Chanz Posted August 21, 2006 Report Posted August 21, 2006 (edited) This is a work in progress, had to get my initial feelings out, so i could see them. Any suggestions of improvement would be greatly appreciated!! My ally, my best friend, My angel, 'till the end. My strength, my rock, My secrets, he keeps under lock. He makes me laugh, and smile, To help me, he'd run a mile. He keeps me safe, and gaurds me, This is what allows me, to be free. He is my protector and my gaurd, He is my saviour and my wild card. He is my sanity and my mind, He is my thoughts and my find. I want to be more than a friend, Though I do not wish to offend. My boyfriend, I do not want to hurt, I just want to seek comfort. I do not know if my feelings are mutual, I do not want them to become fatal. I do not know if these feelings are strong, I do not know if they are completely wrong. I'm not sure if these are true, As they are pretty new. I don't know what to say, I'm not sure if I want them to go away. Will I love him, Will it make our friendship grim? Will we break up, Will we hook up? I don't know what to do, Do I have the courage to be true? Maybe i should wait it out, But I don't want to be left without. So confused right now, So I do not know what to allow. So messed up at this time, So wish I didn't feel this is a crime. This decision could be easy, I don't want anyone to get angry. I just want to resolve this issue, Just wish i had a clue. Edited August 21, 2006 by Chanz
Sweetcherrie Posted August 21, 2006 Report Posted August 21, 2006 Righty, as you confirmed in pm that you really do mean 'all' sorts of suggestions', I will do my very best to break this down, and give you my opinion on what I liked/didn't like and what I feel could be improved upon Poetry is not my forte, but I do have a sense of rhythm, and I normally read poetry out loud so I can hear the words and their sounds. My ally, my best friend, My angel, 'till the end. My strength, my rock, My secrets, he keeps under lock. I like how you start the poem with a good steady rhythm here, but your last line completely threw me off rhythm. I think this might be because there are a few too many syllables in there. If this was your intention then please ignore me, but I think the start of a poem should drag you in and then you can start throwing people off balance at a later stage He makes me laugh, and smile, To help me, he'd run a mile. He keeps me safe, and gaurds me, This is what allows me, to be free. Again the rhythm is slightly off. Never too sure how to explain this, since I do this by tapping. I think it has to do with how it come out of your mouth when you read it out loud. It feels slightly off at 'and guards me' and I think 'allows' could best be replaced with a one syllable word. Oh, and a type in guards He is my protector and my gaurd, He is my saviour and my wild card. He is my sanity and my mind, He is my thoughts and my find. I really like this stanza and the way you slowly build up towards the rest of the poem. typo: guard I really do like rhythm of this stanza, in my head I read it like this: He's my protector, and my guard He is my saviour, my wild card. He is my sanity, and my mind, He is my thoughts, and my find. And the last line might even be better as: He is my thoughts, my (something one syllable) find. I want to be more than a friend, Though I do not wish to offend. My boyfriend, I do not want to hurt, I just want to seek comfort. Possibly some small changes so again the rhythm in my head keeps flowing: I want to be more than a friend, Though I do not wish to offend. My boyfriend, I don't want to hurt, I just want to seek his comfort. I do not know if my feelings are mutual, I do not want them to become fatal. I do not know if these feelings are strong, I do not know if they are completely wrong. Maybe change the second line to: I do not know if they'll be fatal? I'm not sure if these are true, As they are pretty new. I don't know what to say, I'm not sure if I want them to go away. Last line seems to have too many syllables, maybe: I'm not sure if I want them away. Will I love him, Will it make our friendship grim? Will we break up, Will we hook up? I like how you keep all lines short, but think the second might be slightly long in comparison. I don't know what to do, Do I have the courage to be true? Maybe i should wait it out, But I don't want to be left without. The last sentence has a syllable too many, not sure how to change it witout losing the meaning though, maybe take out 'But' ? So confused right now, So I do not know what to allow. So messed up at this time, So wish I didn't feel this is a crime. Possible take some syllables out from the last line by: So wish this felt less like a crime. This decision could be easy, I don't want anyone to get angry. I just want to resolve this issue, Just wish i had a clue. Here you broke the aabb schedule, but I think that's pretty ok since you're ending here, and it feels pretty good to end with something different. All in all I think you have a pretty good feeling here to work with, and you bring it across pretty well. You might consider shortening the piece, since there are some places where you repeat feelings. Then again, maybe it's just me liking these sort of pieces a bit more concise I would like to add that all these suggestions are just an opinion, and that you can of course do what you want with them. It's only that I saw the poem, and found that it's a good basis to continue upon You have some good stuff here, would be very cool to see you work on it
Psimon Posted August 21, 2006 Report Posted August 21, 2006 Hi Chanz Let me open by saying that writing about personal, and often emotionally sensitive, thoughts and issues can be hard, as they are so close to the heart and, well... personal , so you've done well to get them out like this. I won't go through stanza by stanza, as I would begin with the form of the poem. The title is Confused, as the emotions and thoughts expressed are, but the structure of your stanza is rigid - aabb rhyme and a semi-consistent rhythm - so the form doesn't reflect the content. A rigid rhyme scheme, particularly if it doesn't reflect the content, can and will seem 'forced', as it does here. The title can usually be left till the piece is almost ready to 'publish', as it can tend to 'take control' of your thoughts if you start with a title and then begin to write. I would suggest a complete re-write using a free-form style instead (no rhyme or specific rhythm) - let the emotion and confusion of the speaker's thoughts flow naturally. You can edit later, but it would need to be with a light 'touch' so you avoid rigidity. If, at that stage, a rhythm or rhyme begins to emerge, then begin to tinker - but I would avoid both, personally. You've got some great raw material here - set it free I hope that all made some sense, and, as always, it is just opinion/suggestion - so use or discard as you choose As Sweetcherrie says, it would be great to see you develop this piece.
Chanz Posted August 21, 2006 Author Report Posted August 21, 2006 HI Thanks alot for ur opinions/ suggestions. I am looking to play with it and reform it more and both of your opinions/suggestions have given me a terrrific base to start from. Thankyou Chanz
reverie Posted August 21, 2006 Report Posted August 21, 2006 (edited) Hmm, if this is brain-storming for you, then you definitely got something going there. *cracks knuckles* Let's see what's going on here. ***actually think you can lose a common or two, since your lilt of your lines sort of implies the pauses. My ally, my best friend, Closeness of relationship is revealed soon enough My angel, 'till til the end. Either 'til or til is valid in my dialet, but maybe yours differs from mine. My strength, my rock, My secrets, he keeps under lock. My suggestion spins your meaning some, but both work. He makes me laugh, and smile, (oh, this is place where repetition would help). He make me smile To help me, he'd run a mile. *Considers line a moment* Consider this variation, maybe you could work it in somewhere: He'd run a mile to make me smile or similar construction He keeps me safe, and guardsme, This is what allows me, to be free. He is my protector and my guard, He is my saviour and my wild card. Hmm consider this variation or similar to break up the repitition some: His is my protector and my guard My wild card saviour etc. (something that rhymes with 'guard' but doesn't necessarily have too He is my sanity and my mind, He is my thoughts and my find. I want to be more than a friend, Though I do not wish to offend. Hmm try this: I do not wish to offend Though I want to be more than a friend. more sly that way My boy-friend, I do not want to hurt, hints that you do not current have a "boyfriend" (or maybe italics or quote would work too?), but a close friend that happens to be a boy that your speaker would want to be more. However, if your speaker actually has a "boyfriend" separate from the best friend, then, um that complicates things, in life as well as your poem, since you do not ever hint of this possibility earlier I just want to seek comfort. I do not know if my feelings are mutual, ...could try: I don't know if he feels the same '...' "my pain or knows of my pain" or "Nor if he knows of my pain" and so on. I do not want them to become fatal. I do not know if these feelings are strong, I do not know if they are completely wrong. I'm not sure if these are true, As they are pretty new. I don't know what to say, I'm not sure if I want them to go away. try rephrase/reinvent several possibilities exist here's one: What I feel for you This/so or (S)sudden and new ...and that's you all get Will I love him, Will it make our friendship grim? Will we break up, Will we hook up? ditto: Will the (my/our or nil) heart invite him/us in I don't know what to do, Do I have the courage to be true? Maybe i should wait it out, But I don't want to be left without. !!!, try, try, try not to do. Rhyme too close far too close!!! So confused right now, So I do not know what to allow. So messed up at this time, So wish I didn't feel this is a crime. Hmm, tricky...try this: Bemused, confused! What to allow! So messed up etc This decision could be easy, I don't want anyone to get angry. I just want to resolve this issue, Just wish i had a clue. ditto: I got nothing. Maybe consider dropping after another draft or two. New endings often present themselves with additional drafts Good start, keep it up rev... Edited August 21, 2006 by reverie
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