Parm 5

[Parmenion]

Sun shone on that dreary place,

Of hallowed marble halls,

Rain would have been more fitting,

If Weather heard woe's calls.

 

This tower was his alter,

His heart, his mind, his home,

But all the words he said inside,

Rang with an echoed tone.

 

He chose this isolation,

Far from the maddened crowd,

For few of them did speak to him,

And those who did were loud.

 

He did not have the sheckles,

Nor charm to woo a queen,

And when he fell in love,

For a time his heart would beam.

 

Yet while each love was diff'rent,

His heart would rule his mind,

With his passion unreturned,

He thought them most unkind.

 

Perhaps he was a mammy's boy,

Perhaps he was a pig!

Perhaps he was plain stupid,

Perhaps he should've learned to jig.

 

Of course he was not perfect,

In truth, sometimes he was an ass,

But who could say with honesty

They are; without appearing crass?

 

So he went away and hid himself,

For years in marbled halls,

And taught himself of many things,

And built himself some walls.

 

The inside and the outside world

Are built upon strict rules,

And thus he had to find himself

To use these rules as tools.

 

To counteract his active heart,

He took up the logic school,

But smarter people, more astute,

Still played him for a fool!

 

He felt much shame in failure,

It hurt his manly pride,

Yet if this was the price he'd pay,

He'd put such shame aside.

 

For if this man's a fool,

To live by his heart and mind,

Then this life can screw him,

Coz he'll leave it all behind.

 

[reverie]

Some suggestions with explanations. Feel free to disregard if not to your liking. Also, do not feel obligated to defend your work for this is not a harsh attack, merely friendly observations I took note of while reading your poem.

 

Meter's reminisces of ballad style and the stanza's set up definitely is, yet even though you are using consistent straight rhyming quatrains, the meter is kind of erratic. Which that itself can have it's own charm, but remember that anything written in free verse (even quatrains) can also adhere to any consistent rules of the poet's own choosing. So there's nothing stopping you from making the meter more consistent, then having it deviate from it for effect. Which a really good place to do it would be in the last stanza, when the poem gets more irrelevant and loose anyway. I'll elaborate on that further when I get down to that stanza. Of course you can always just say the heck with meter, and just write it like you normally would say it, even with the rhymes.

 

7 Sun shone on that dreary place, (How 'bout "Sun Shone on that <insert vivid, yet concise description of scene here," possibly describe that tower that comes later).

6 Of hallowed marble halls, (More detail.)

7 Rain would have been more fitting,

6 If Weather heard woe's calls. ( phrasing and word choice is a touch archaic, considering the more loose and modern language found towards the middle and end)

 

7 This A tower was his alter, (What Tower? "This" implies that you are referring to something that was described before. You might have meant for your first stanza to accomplish this, but it's not apparent as is...

6 His heart, his mind, his home, (need intricate detail on the tower. Let the tower speak for it's master).

8 But all the words he said inside, (what was said or pondered? / could be either specific or general about problem or questions your persona needed to voice)

6 Rang with an echoed tone.

 

7 He chose this isolation, (from what? or maybe just drop "this." Heck with the meter.)

6 Far from the maddened crowd, (rephrase maybe? "maddened crowd" sounds to much like "maddening crowd," which is really over-used line now-a-days.)

8 For Few of them did speak spoke to him, (who are them? / what did he say or try to say)

6 And those who did were loud.

 

***first meter shift***

 

7 He did not have the sheckles, (good word, but who is the person you keep referring too?)

6 Nor charm to woo a queen,

6 And when he fell in love,

7 For a time his heart would beam. (rephrase maybe?)

 

7 Yet while each love was diff'rent, (this line troubles me. Hmm. Why not try: Yet while each love/heart, loves diff'rent OR [Hmm, let's have some fun.] Yet while each love, loves diff'rent / He drank only bitter wine / His smothered smoke of passion spoke / Of futures much unkind ) <-- Okay I was just being silly there.

6 His heart would rule his mind,

7 With his passion unreturned,

6 He thought them most unkind.

 

***meter gets erratic after this***

8 Perhaps he was a mammy's boy,

6 Perhaps he was a pig!

7 Perhaps he was plain stupid,

8 Perhaps he should've learned to/the jig.

 

7 Of course he was not perfect, (who is this guy?)

8 In truth, sometimes he was an ass,

8 But who could say with honesty

8 They are; without appearing crass? (wordy and slightly confusing that you are referring back to your persona and not the conclusions of other people.)

 

8 So he went away and hid himself,

7 For years in marbled halls,

8 And taught himself of many things,

6 And built himself some walls.

 

8 The inside and the outside world

6 Are built upon strict rules,

7 And thus he had to find himself

6 To use these rules as tools. ( a touch vague, why not go into the specifics like: he learned a bit of geometry to sympathise with rules // you get the picture)

 

8 To counteract his active heart,

8 He took up the logic school, (better, but take it a step further and show us where he was showed up / found wanting)

8 But smarter people, more astute,

6 Still played him for a fool!

 

7 He felt much shame in failure,

6 It hurt his manly pride,

8 Yet if this was the price he'd pay,

6 He'd put such shame aside. (So he's a stoic to the outside world? Tell us more.)

 

6 For if this man's a fool,

7 To live by his heart and mind, (might a conflict set up here: by heart first, then his mind... or something like that)

6 Then this life can screw him, (okay, this line can be made funny, and if your wanted to go for a consistent meter you could use this line to break from it for added comic relief. like say: Then this life can just go screw itself)

7 Coz he'll leave it all behind.

Edited August 17, 2006 by reverie

[Peredhil]

Ooooh. Good brainstorming suggestions Rev!

 

*hugs Parm* and good to see you again, writing so well.

[WrenWind]

*more Hugs* as always i like what you have writen . when i have a little more time I'll reread and pull it apart *grin* well done Hon!!

[Parmenion]

Fantastic feedback as always Rev and much appreciated. Some very good suggestions to take on board though it may take me a while to get around it all.

 

You're a saint for taking the time to write such an involved reply. Cheers man.

 

*hugs pere & wren*

 

[reverie]

oh no problem. I'm just glad you didn't bite my head off. remember i'm still learning myself as Q can attest to, since she's gone behind and corrected me on more than one occassion

 

rev...