Guest Phoenix Posted August 16, 2006 Report Posted August 16, 2006 I will not cry over things I can’t change. Tears ache my throat but my eyes stay dry. My mistakes are my own, I cannot rearrange The paintings my heart has laid out to dry. The patterns the same, the colors all vary. I’ve walked this path many times before. I see through a blur, my soul waxes weary, The miles stretch once more from me to the door. No angel watches over my steps each day. Or holds the hand of this stumbling child. No demon, or devil, holds me as his prey To turn my steps to the ravening wilds. A human entirely am I, alone. I hold my heart in my hands to see… Many turn away when they see the wear, But a few choose to walk this path with me. ___________________________________________________ I will not cry over things I can’t change. Tears ache my throat but my eyes stay dry. My mistakes are my own, I cannot rearrange The tracks I have set, nor the reasons why. I shall not weep, though my soul is heavy. Though I ache for release and the death of sleep, I will build this energy to use when I’m ready, When its drive will produce results I can keep. I will not cry over things that are changeless. This path has been mine to tread before. I can follow my steps out of this duress, And rest sometime on a wandering shore But I will not cry, and cannot not cry, As tears beg to track their path down my cheeks. My fears stay hidden, my eyes are dry. I’ll not allow tears to prove me weak.
Guest Phoenix Posted August 21, 2006 Report Posted August 21, 2006 (edited) Meh i should've played with this more before i posted luckily, after i posted it started running around in my head and wouldn't stop! new version follows. tighter, i think and more evocative of what i was going for thanks Dan for your thoughts xx ____________________________________________________ I will not cry over things I can’t change. Tears ache my throat but my eyes stay dry. My mistakes are my own, I cannot rearrange The tracks I have set, nor the reasons why. I shall not weep, though my soul is heavy. Though I ache for release and the death of sleep, I will build this energy to use when I’m ready, When its drive will produce results I can keep. I will not cry over things that are changeless. This path has been mine to tread before. I can follow my steps out of this duress, And rest sometime on a wandering shore But I will not cry, and cannot not cry, As tears beg to track their path down my cheeks. My fears stay hidden, my eyes are dry. I’ll not allow tears to prove me weak. I will not cry over things I can’t change. Tears ache my throat but my eyes stay dry. My mistakes are my own, I cannot rearrange The paintings my heart has laid out to dry. Edited August 21, 2006 by Phoenix
Sweetcherrie Posted August 21, 2006 Report Posted August 21, 2006 I will not cry over things I can’t change. Tears ache my throat but my eyes stay dry. My mistakes are my own, I cannot rearrange The tracks I have set, nor the reasons why. I love this stanza! You manage to create quite a powerful feeling to open with I shall not weep, though my soul is heavy. Though I ache for release and the death of sleep, I think here it feels weird to have though repeated I will build this energy to use when I’m ready, When its drive will produce results I can keep. I will not cry over things that are changeless. I'm a bit confused with this word, does it mean that the things on their own cannot be changed, or more that you can't change them?. This path has been mine to tread before. I can follow my steps out of this duress, And rest sometime on a wandering shore But I will not cry, and cannot not cry, As tears beg to track their path down my cheeks.This line feels sligtly long My fears stay hidden, my eyes are dry. I’ll not allow tears to prove me weak. I will not cry over things I can’t change. Tears ache my throat but my eyes stay dry. My mistakes are my own, I cannot rearrange The paintings my heart has laid out to dry. I definitely think you improved on this with this second version I especially like the way you guide the reader through the story of the poem by the end rhymes, but also the similar sounds inside the sentences. There were some places that still felt a little off, though I'm having a hard time saying with each place exactly why. I have marked them in red, and where I could I gave the reason. I like the way you've used the heavier forms of words (weep fe) since they give the whole poem a heavier and darker feeling. All in all it feels like the poem presents resignation, but also a stubborness to not willingly except things. A really nice poem, and I'm glad to see you're still posting around this place, since I generally quite enjoy reading your work Oh, also, if you have work that you're still working on and would like some more feedback on than normal you could always post it in the Writer's Workshop. If something gets posted there people normally know that you would like feedback on it then
Wyvern Posted August 24, 2006 Report Posted August 24, 2006 Nice poem, Pheonix. :-) I agree with Sweetcherrie that the revised version is an improvement over the original, as it condenses the interesting elements of the poem and makes for a stronger read. I love the reference to aching for "release and the death of sleep," as well as the line about the "paintings my heart has laid out dry," as I found the wording and placement of both of those lines very good. The steadfast determination of the narrator to hold back her tears also shows a great deal of courage and strong will. I agree with Sweet that the uses of language are generally good in this piece, but I was a bit uncertain about the use of "duress" in the third stanza. Duress is generally meant to imply "the use of force or threats to procure something" (Oxford American Dictionary), "forcible restraint and constriction" or "compulsion by threat" (Merriam-Webster's). Since the narrator's mistakes are "her own" and she's chosen her own path to tread, I didn't feel that the word really fit the context of the piece, though it's quite possible that it concerns an element that's been left out of the rest of the poem (in which case I'd be intrigued to see it drawn out more!). Anyway, this is nicely done. Thanks for sharing. You shouldn't feel worried about posting rough drafts here either, since we'll appreciate it regardless!
Guest Phoenix Posted September 4, 2006 Report Posted September 4, 2006 thank you both i'm still trying to find my way around here i tend to stick to the spaces i know, i need to explore more... & figure out how to change my signature and details.. is there a way this could be shifted..? i know you don't mind having it here, but... anyway, thank you for your feedback, and your compliments i hope i've explained myself well enough, but sleep has been a rarity in the last few nights so pull me up again if you don't understand.. and if you have time... ___ I will not cry over things I can’t change. Tears ache my throat but my eyes stay dry. My mistakes are my own, I cannot rearrange The tracks I have set, nor the reasons why. I love this stanza! You manage to create quite a powerful feeling to open with thanks I shall not weep, though my soul is heavy. I ache for release and the death of sleep, I think here it feels weird to have though repeated i agree, changed I will build this energy to use when I’m ready, When its drive will produce results I can keep. I will not cry over things that are changeless. I'm a bit confused with this word, does it mean that the things on their own cannot be changed, or more that you can't change them?. both, actually This path has been mine to tread before. I can follow my steps out of this duress, i was trying to use the 'forcible restraint and compulsion' and the synonyms it conjured like restraint, and constraint to create a word i could use as a noun describing an event.... i can see how it might not work, or need more explanation. not sure how it'd fit into the rest of the poem tho... i'll play with it. the mistakes she's made and her actions are her own, the situation she's in is not of her devising. or her fault. complicated to try & get in one word, i went through quite a few And rest sometime on a wandering shore But I will not cry, and cannot not cry, As tears beg to track their path down my cheeks.This line feels sligtly long My fears stay hidden, my eyes are dry. I’ll not allow tears to prove me weak. I will not cry over things I can’t change. Tears ache my throat but my eyes stay dry. My mistakes are my own, I cannot rearrange The paintings my heart has laid out to dry. does it seem wierd to have dry repeated in the last stanza? sometimes it grates on me and sometimes it doesn't...
reverie Posted September 5, 2006 Report Posted September 5, 2006 (edited) Just a few minor suggestions: I will not cry over things I cannot change. Tears ache in my throat but my eyes remain dry. My mistakes are my own, I cannot rearrange The tracks I have set, nor the reasons why. I shall not weep, though my soul is heavy. Though I ache for release in/by the death of sleep, I will build this energy to use when I am ready, When its drive will produce results I can keep. I will not cry over things that resist change. This path has been mine to tread before. I can follow my steps out of this duress, And rest sometime on a wandering shore But I will not cry, yet/but I cannot but cry or yet only could I not cry or similar, As tears beg to trail/drag/blaze etc their path down my cheeks. My fears stay hidden, my eyes staydry. I will not allow tears to prove me weak. I will not cry over things I cannot change. Tears ache in my throat but my eyes remain dry. My mistakes are my own, I cannot rearrange The paintings my heart has laid out to dry. Edited September 5, 2006 by reverie
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