Need to scream.... lol

[evesilverthorne]

I had a dream last night that is rapidly turning into a story but I really need some outside [outside of the people that know me personally] input on the opening.. i need to know if the emotions are what i am trying to convy... if you feel like helping a girl out here it is.....

 

 

 

 

I woke with a start, scared to the core of my being. The sheets were tangled around my legs, holding me captive in the bed allowing the dream to keep its grip on my heart and mind. I looked around the room almost hoping that it would still be the dream, but fearing in the back of my mind that it would be. This wasn’t the first morning I had awakened from the dream, and I knew in my heart it wouldn’t be the last. As I laid there in my bed I ran my memories back through the dream it was always the same and I , for some reason I couldn’t understand, always had to think back through it to make sure that the pain that flashed through my heart was as real as it could be.

The dream had begun as it always did; I was standing on the front porch of a well-maintained mobile home. I was alone, with nothing but the sounds of the mobile home park surrounding me. I had just finished a fight with one of my best friends over her boyfriend. She had gotten to the point where all she could do was get mad at me and call me jealous. The funny thing was I wasn’t jealous of them; I wanted them both to be happy. I cared for both of them, her as a sister and him; well that’s where the trouble all stemmed from. I loved the man. Not as a friend or bother, but as a woman would love her husband. I had for longer than I could remember. The simple fact was that I had never acted on those feelings and once he had found her I vowed to think of his as a brother and nothing more. I had kept that vow for six long years, through all the fights between the two of them. Through all the patching up of his heart that I had done, I never once stepped over that line. This time I had been though enough, I was done dealing with the both of them. I stepped into my house and slammed the door behind me. Throwing myself down on the ratty old couch against the wall I began to cry. I was giving up something so special to me my heart was breaking. But as much as I wanted Brian to be a part of my life I couldn’t handle the stress of the two of them any longer.

I must have laid there for hours, not knowing how much time was passing or even if it was, when a loud knocking on the closed front door brought me back to reality. The emotional pain slammed into me as I sat up wondering who was at my door as I looked out the window and saw that it was dark. “Coming...” I called standing up and wiping at my face hoping it didn’t look like I had spent the day crying. I walked to the door and without even thinking about I pulled it open. My heart sank to the pits of hell at the sight before me. There standing in a tattered shirt and jeans that held him in a loving grip was the man that made my heart sing and had helped shatter it to pieces. I had so many things I wanted to say, from get out to I love you, but the only word that managed to squeak past my lips was his name… “Brian...” I stood my ground; I was not going to get into it with him too. However even as I stood there, mad enough to spit nails I drank in the sight of him, from this short cut hair to the sparkle in his eyes. It all made my heart ache to look at, but I knew that it would be harder to live without.

He grinned, it was a sight that tore not only my heart but my very soul. “Hi. I know I should have called to see if you were busy, but I didn’t think you would talk to me if I did.” His words were a whisper and made me wonder what was wrong. I knew that even though I had vowed only a few hours before to step out of it, to not be involved, if he asked for my help I wouldn’t be able to refuse. I loved him, that was never going to stop. Nothing was ever going to change, as much as I wanted away from him and the pain I knew I couldn’t walk away. My heart simply wouldn’t let me.

“What do you want Brian?” I asked trying to keep my voice steady. I refused to let him know that he still lived in my heart. It was just too painful.

“My friend back. I am sorry that we hurt you.” His words held controlled emotions that I was having a hard time reading. Something wasn’t right about this, and I was starting to worry. “Do you mind if I come in? I would like a chance to talk to you.” He continued.

I took a deep breath, my heart tightening in fear, “Sure, come on in. I guess I can spare you a few minutes.” I knew my words were sharp and angry, but I couldn’t seem to get the anger out of my system lately when dealing with him. I stepped back and motioned for him to come in, making my way to the worn leather chair in the corner. I sat down as far away from him as I thought I could get.

He stepped in behind and took in the house he hadn’t set foot in for over a year. He walked over and sat down on the floor in front of my chair, something I had never seem him do in all the years I had known him. He was putting himself on a level below me and I wasn’t sure that I liked it all that much. I watched as he took a deep breath before reaching his hand out and placing the tips of his fingers on my left knee. “We need to talk. There are some things that have been said and others that haven’t that need to be. You and I need to clear the air.” He was slightly shaking and suddenly I knew that something was indeed very wrong.

“So what do you have to say?” I asked looking into the eyes that had haunted my dreams since the day I first met him.

Again he took a deep breath. “I am trying to figure out where to start. There are so many things that I need to say. Are you willing to sit and listen to everything I have to say before you say anything?” he asked looking into my eyes.

I sat there for a minute wondering what in the world could have him this worked up. “I will listen, I cant promise anything past that, but I will listen.” I had always prided myself on my ability to listen with an open mind to anyone on anything. So I settled back into the comfort of the chair ready to listen to my best friend and the only man I wanted to strangle on a regular basis.

“Let me start by saying that unless you want me to continue to call you Wolfie, I am going to start calling you by your name.” he stopped and looked at me with a strange expression on his handsome face.

I waited for him to continue, but he just sat there looking at me with the saddest expression I have ever seen in his eyes. “Go on Brian.”

“Was waiting to find out if you wanted me to keep calling you Wolfie.” He smiled, the smile actually starting to break through my defenses enough that I could suddenly feel the heat from his finger tips on my knee.

I sat there for a moment trying to figure out why he would want to change from calling me Wolfie. I didn’t mind that he did it, he was one of the very few that still did. So I decided to ask why he wanted to change. “Let me ask you this before I give you an answer. Why?”

[reverie]

Seems like the set up to Brian confessing his love for "wolfie" to me, but stories like these sometimes have unpredictable twists thrown in for fun. I guess the dream itself could be that twist. I wonder how much of the dream relates to the actual life of the speaker vs how much is just a night's fancy. Oh but, you wanted a comment on emotions. Honestly, though, I'm not sure what exactly you're asking for. Do you mean that you would like to know that emotions are being conveyed, or that the story is about conveying emotions vs some other literary device in the story or something else entirely?

 

Hmm... Oh well, I'll take a stab at it.

 

Well, at the opening you tell us that your character is "scared" from the get go, so no mystery there.

I like the trapped by the tangled sheet thing. It reminds of the half-waken state when you come out of a dream before your body is releases your from the state of paralysis that keeps your from physically acting out your dreams in your sleep so you don't injure yourself, and waking up paralysed (however brief) is always a terrifying experience, so I related to it this way. But that's just me.

 

Hmm, towards the introduction of the mobile-home scene, I think you're going for the speakers' empty feelings of loneliness or solitude. If this is what you're going for, I'd maybe expand the description of the mobile home life some. Fiction's not my speciality though, so I might be way off. However on my second read, I get a whole "calm after the storm" or shocked/burned out feeling.

 

The mention of your best friend and company introduces tension to the previous emotional void.

 

Hmm, I don't know... maybe some more descriptoin setting/scenery to anchor where the fight took place, and who lives where n'such.

 

Hmm, I find it odd that as the peace keeper of the couple your charactor "patched up" the boyfriend's heart so much. Isn't it usually the girlfriend being patch up by her friend. If your speaker had been friends with the boy first then that would make more sense, but I get the feeling the speaker was friends with the girl first. So wouldn't her loyalty lie more with her? Hmm, but I guess these things are not always black and white.

 

Hmm, well my partial take on it.

 

rev...

[dauna]

Hey LG. I know where the nickname in your story came from!

 

Ok, my take... I think you need to be more clear with the dividing line between dream and reality. Upon first reading I wasn't even aware that I was reading a dream. Then I read it had been a year since she'd seen him... when I thought she'd been arguing with his girlfriend not so long ago... I had to go back and reread a few bits.

 

Also, I get that you're trying to say she's not over him, even after a year... but her feelings of hurt seem too fresh to me. I think the tie-in with the dream and then him coming over is a tad too neatly done, as well...

 

And that's all.