sea vegetable Posted July 8, 2006 Report Posted July 8, 2006 Barely afloat in the raft Swell after swell Imprinting a rhythm The sea saws Through the heart of hope. Every height a beautiful reveal, Followed by the dark despair. A change of mind Rotting through the trust In paradise.
Wyvern Posted July 8, 2006 Report Posted July 8, 2006 I really like this poem, sea vegetable. :-) The manner that you play with language in the wording of the piece stood out to me in particular, with the multiple connotations of "sea saw" and the rhythm of "Swell after swell" both striking me as intriguing. There also seems to be a real refinement in the way you've phrased the poem, as there's very little excessive language or cumbersome words. The only part of the poem that I didn't like were the more grandiose metaphors ("the heart of hope," "the dark despair"), which felt like more typical poetic conventions and came across as a bit clichéd. Also, I didn't quite understand the meaning behind the line "Every height a beautiful reveal," and you may want to revise this line for more clarity. Great stuff, overall. I really like poetry that takes risks in its uses of language, and I feel that you took such risks in this piece. Very well done, sea vegetable. Thanks for sharing this here. :-)
sea vegetable Posted July 9, 2006 Author Report Posted July 9, 2006 Great comments, overall Thanx Wyvern. I took little time on this really. I initially had "every height a beautiful VIEW" but just like u mentioned i was trying to avoid the poetic cliche. Often to see something hidden is a reveal (n.) as far as i know which isnt too far! I'll go bak and see if i can find something less cliched for the other bits u mentioned, but im talking about the very grandiose highs and lows of LOVE. In a way i figured it needed to be slightly familiar. Im glad that the simplicity and lack of excessive stanza is appealing rather than seen as a cowardly retreat. At some point if i feel there's a need for more...ill write it. Thanks again! I really like this poem, sea vegetable. :-) The manner that you play with language in the wording of the piece stood out to me in particular, with the multiple connotations of "sea saw" and the rhythm of "Swell after swell" both striking me as intriguing. There also seems to be a real refinement in the way you've phrased the poem, as there's very little excessive language or cumbersome words. The only part of the poem that I didn't like were the more grandiose metaphors ("the heart of hope," "the dark despair"), which felt like more typical poetic conventions and came across as a bit clichéd. Also, I didn't quite understand the meaning behind the line "Every height a beautiful reveal," and you may want to revise this line for more clarity. Great stuff, overall. I really like poetry that takes risks in its uses of language, and I feel that you took such risks in this piece. Very well done, sea vegetable. Thanks for sharing this here. :-)
Recommended Posts