My Muse

[Guest Phoenix]

My muse is flighty today
graces me with a few lines
Then retreats to behind a bookcase
Where she sits,
Pelting me with the things she finds there.
Spiders, applecores, and the occasional golden line
which I scramble to pen
Before it fades in my willing mind.
As she scrambles up and down
I try to dislodge her
with chocolate, ice cream,
and when all else fails, a broomstick.

But she is content to be where she is.
She crouches in the topmost corner
between books
poking her tongue
and making hideous faces.
I’m sure I never taught her those.
So I try to trick her tricksy self
Who thought to vanish piskie-like from my mind
and pin her to the page with my pen
Where she wriggles
Exposed.
Then curls up in my lap
and grins secret smiles up at me.
Mission Accomplished.

[sea vegetable]

E hoa,

 

nga mihi atu ki a koe e hine toa.

 

just thought id get back here and what do you know?! I like this heaps. There are some rough bits, including the ending. Writing 4u has never been a mission. What you put to paper is way more beautiful than a mundane task, order, or "mission" that needs to be "accomplished". Take its beauty back and make more...

 

My muse is flighty today

graces me with a few lines

Then retreats to behind a bookcase

Where she sits,

Pelting me with the things she finds there.

Spiders, applecores, and the occasional golden line

which I scramble to pen

Before it fades in my willing mind.

As she scrambles up and down

I try to dislodge her

with chocolate, ice cream,

and when all else fails, a broomstick.

 

But she is content to be where she is.

She crouches in the topmost corner

between books

poking her tongue

and making hideous faces.

I’m sure I never taught her those.

So I try to trick her tricksy self

Who thought to vanish piskie-like from my mind

and pin her to the page with my pen

Where she wriggles

Exposed.

Then curls up in my lap

and grins secret smiles up at me.

Mission Accomplished.

[Guest Phoenix]

*laughs*

*blushes*

 

thanks, sea vegetable

 

you're right, it still needs polishing, but i think it's a lot lighter than you read it - the final thought 'Mission Accomplished' is supposed to be that of my muse, who through her antics has sparked the creativity i was trying to coax from her in the first place...

 

i'm still playing with it i'll post alterations as and when they crop up

thank you for the thought hon, i'm glad it sparked a reaction in you

 

xx

'Nix

[hoyskolt]

Hello there , a friend of mine suggested that I should have a look at some of your poems. After having a browse through some of your posts on this site I am quite impressed, so I decided to put some time into critiquing some of your poems, starting with this one (not just because it's your latest one that I can find but also because I just sort of wrote a big blurb to someone about the muse in regards to the Hay(na)ku form. I'll rant more at you about what a Hay(na)ku is if you're interrested ..but for now .. your poem.

 

First I'd like to make a sort of general comment about your poetry, about your titles. This is something that I think is a crucial part of a poem that allot of writers seem to ignore. I'm on the other extreme of that scale, where I put allot of emphasis on the title and sometimes my titles can be several lines long.. In my opinion a poem is kind of crippled and incomplete until it has a proper and well thought out title to it. An example of a Good title that you have used is your Capoeira poem Agua de Beber.

 

What to me is a big no no when it comes to titles, and kind of puts me off the poem even before I start reading it . .is when either the first couple of words/line or a reoccuring word from the poem .etc is used as the title. In the case of your 'my muse' poem .. it is very clear that you are talking about your muse in the poem from the first couple of words .. in this case the title says absolutely nothing and contributes nothing to the poem. I would like to see a title that says something about your theme and message ..about the elusive playful muse and its scheming ways to get you writing .. or something along those lines .. (if I read it right that is ) without actually mentioning the muse directly.

 

on the poem

The voice you chose to use in this poem works really well I think with the message you are presenting here; that sort of confused and lacking in control self trying to look into its own subconscious. I have a feeling that you are hinting towards the counter productivity of 'pulling out' the muse from its elusive and flighty spot. Rather the flow or success with the muse comes when we find a way to come to it .. and sometimes the struggle to capture the muse is the muses own tricky way of getting you into its flow .. if that makes sense

 

I really love your analogies in line 6-7 and 11-12 ..and your later notion of the muse 'surprising' you with things you never taught it .. the creative muse that seems beyond our simple selves ..

 

I have some suggestions to changes with the poems, basicly just some tightening in ..cutting out of unecessary words ..nothing too big. i've put lines through what I think should be cut out and i've made the words I've changed red

 

 

My muse is flighty today

graces me with a few lines

Then retreats to behind a bookcase

Where she sits,

Pelting me with the things she finds there.

Spiders, applecores, and the occasional golden line

which I scramble to pen (good lines)

before it fades in my willing mind.

As She scrambles up and down

I try to dislodge her

with chocolate, ice cream,

and when all else fails, a broomstick.

 

But she's content to be where she is.

 

in the topmost corner she crouches

between books

poking her tongue ,

and making hideous faces.

 

I’m sure I never taught her those.

 

So I try to trick her tricksy self

who thought to vanish pixie(?)-like

from my mind

and pin her to the page with my pen

Where she wriggles

Exposed.

Then curls up in my lap

and grins secret smiles up at me.

 

Mission Accomplished.

[Guest Phoenix]

Hey Ramaloke

You've given me a lot to think about thanks

first off i would be very interested in a rant about the Hay(na)ku form when you have time to pen one

 

on titles i get what you mean. sometimes titles come with the piece but a lot of the time i just peg them to things to remember which one is where on my computer or in my head and then they never get changed. i tend to prefer simple titles but don't like ones that give the game away.... was contemplating leaving this as it was when an alternative popped into my head which i quite liked. its at the bottom with the new version. dont think we can change the title of the topic in the banquet room... anyone know?

 

i really like the space you've given it... it felt quite cramped before but i couldn't figure new breaks to put in. i love writing but i never quite know how to polish something after i've written it.

 

i'm pretty tired tonight from a shoot yesterday and have another tomorrow, but thank you so much for spending time on these. i'll give them more thought and come back and polish this some more tomorrow night.

 

let me know what you think of the new title? i'll go through later and explain change's ive kept & haven't - piskies are irish folklore - like pixies but a lot more vindictive

xx

'Nix

 

Mindflight

My muse is flighty today

graces me with a few lines

then retreats to behind a bookcase

i'm still not sure about taking this out... i think the rhythm flows better with something there, just undecided as to what it should be

Where she sits,

Pelting me with things she finds.

Spiders, applecores, and the occasional golden line

which I scramble to pen

before it fades in my willing mind.

 

She scrambles up and down

I try to dislodge her

with chocolate, ice cream,

and when all else fails, a broomstick.

 

But she's content to be where she is.

 

in the topmost corner she crouches love the reversal

between books

poking tongue

making hideous faces.

 

I’m sure I never taught her those.

 

So I try to trick her tricksy self

who thought to vanish piskie-like

from my mind

and pin her to the page with my pen

Where she wriggles

Exposed.

Then curls up in my lap

and grins secret smiles up at me.

 

Mission Accomplished.

[Mynx]

*giggles*

I enjoyed this, Nix.

It's a beautiful description of a cheeky muse who won't do what it's told.

*licks your forehead*

I won't add any more critique cos I like what you been doing with it.

(Although maybe next time you'll want to try an axe instead of a broomstick? I have one...)

 

[Guest Phoenix]

thanks kitten!

 

any excuse to play with your axe....

pretty shiny!

 

knowing my muse she'd probably wrestle it off me and brain me with it