Curious Mylo Posted June 24, 2006 Report Posted June 24, 2006 Shades Pure revenge, my only thought Nothing like my mother taught Anger built up from so long Proves your judgments all were wrong I'm not as happy as I'll be Not always the way you see The anger hides under the skin Always locked up deep within Yet all at once the anger fades Sunlight from behind the shades Revenge wastes time that you could spend Dancing all through time. The End.
reverie Posted June 25, 2006 Report Posted June 25, 2006 (edited) not bad, reminds me of skeltonic verse with it's tumbling rhymed couplet construction. I don't think you need to adhere so strongly your 7/8 syllable format, but hey it works. The only really ackwardly phrased line I see is your 6th one. That and I'd consider changing "shades" to singular in you 10th line. It still rhymes that way, but there is also nothing wrong with using near-rhyme for variety. Oh yeah, and the repetition of the word "time" in the last couplet is slightly jarring. all and all pretty good and entertaining. keep working on it. rev... Edited June 25, 2006 by reverie
Curious Mylo Posted June 26, 2006 Author Report Posted June 26, 2006 Shades Pure revenge, my only thought Nothing like my mother taught Anger built up from so long Proves your judgments all were wrong I'm not as happy as I'll be Don't think I'm only what you see The anger hides under the skin Always locked up deep within Yet all at once the anger fades Sunlight from behind the shades Revenge wastes time that you could spend Dancing through the stars. The End. Thankyou Much!
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