Jewel - Feedback for reverie

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Reverie's poem can be found in the Banquet Room here.

 

This is an outstanding piece of writing, reverie.

 

One of the truly fine touches of the piece is the subtle reversal its brief sentences make of the traditional perspective of the young looking to their elders for wisdom and insight – a reversal that plays well against the theme of a traditional perspective’s inability to adapt. That this is done with a gentle sureness that avoids the two all too common mistakes of either dismissing what is older or of considering the new with little more than a shallow romanticism is the mark of very well-conceived and well-executed statements on the part of the writer.

 

Each of the short, one sentence, verses has something to commend it. Of particular note in the first stanza is the contrast between the relaxed intimacy of a smile and the stern, non-smiling, distance of the xenophobic father who himself is not present, save in the effect he has had upon the narrator. In fact this overlapping of presence, the implied physical presence of that one to whom the narrator speaks and the presence of a physically absent father and family by means of how they have shaped the life of the narrator is another of the poems several strengths.

 

The second stanza offers two very creative phrases – the use of “halflings” to describe those of dual-cultural background and the original and surprising reworking of that traditional American expression “the land of the free”. These two expressions play well against each other and are fine vehicles for emphasizing the contrast between the freedom of that one who stands readily within the dual freedoms of his/her heritage, and the narrator who cannot fully claim that same dual freedom.

 

Verse three offers the shift in perspective that I mentioned above. Here, as above with ‘xenophobic’, I think the choice of ‘exquisite’ is on target. It is perhaps a more formal word, but that is precisely why it works so well here. The narrator is a person of two worlds and the mimesis of allowing his words to disclose this is another one of the strengths of the poem. That one caught by the formality of his own culture can express his appreciation of another’s freedom to blend this same culture with another by using a word at that is curiously intimate and formal at the same time is another fine touch.

 

The final verse offers the reader a concluding line that is beautiful in its honest simplicity – the kind of line that would be lost in a lesser piece of writing, but that serves very well here.

 

Ordinarily, at this point in a feedback post I’m well into offering a list of possible avenues to explore with regard to revising a piece of writing. Here, however, I cannot do that. You are correct, I believe in perceiving a certain completeness about the poem and a delicacy in how its elements are combined – the kind of delicacy that requires the author to take the lead in deciding what if anything should be revisited. For my own part, I am content simply to appreciate it as a fine piece of writing.

Edited June 23, 2006 by Cyril Darkcloud

[Ayshela]

and that, my friend, is the finest compliment! =)

[reverie]

Thank you. It was very fine indeed. You got my vote for poet laureate. Seriously.

 

I still have some anxiety in the 3rd line of 3rd stanza line:

 

Stand as firmly as you

 

I thought it might come across as wordy, but I am at loss as to how to improve it.

 

The simple construction of the last stanza worries me as well. Your words make me feel better about it, but I still wonder if something else could be done with it.

 

Actually, at this point I don't think I have the skill to improve upon it. If I'm lucky I might be able to reach another plateau of development in a few more years. Until then, I'll keep chipping away at what I can.

 

thanks again,

 

rev...

Edited June 24, 2006 by reverie

[Tavarilyn]

I still have some anxiety in the 3rd line of 3rd stanza line:

 

Stand as firmly as you

 

I thought it might come across as wordy, but I am at loss as to how to improve it.

 

The simple construction of the last stanza worries me as well. Your words make me feel better about it, but I still wonder if something else could done with it.

 

As to the first, maybe take out the first "as" and simply have: Stand firmly, as you

 

Regarding the last stanza, I agree that the construction feels off. It isn't wrong, necessarily, but it feels loose where the rest of the poem is far more tight. I think a re-write of the first line in that stanza would go a long way toward tightening the stanza as a whole and solidifying the ending. One suggestion I might offer is:

 

So now I only thank you

 

This removes the "And so" as well as the "can" which seems unneeded for the feeling being conveyed.

 

 

Just a few thoughts. As usual, though, Rev, some exceptional work. I look forward to more, once again!

 

Tav

Edited June 23, 2006 by Tavarilyn

[reverie]

Thank you Tav,

 

I always appreciate your words. For the moment though, I'm going to let it stew some. Sometimes when I write sometime too close to the actual event which spurred it, it's hard to revise it. So, I think waiting it out some might help.

 

I've considered the "thank you" lines some though. I wondering well if I can cut it down that far why not cut down even further to (subbing 'and' for 'so'):

 

And I can only thank you.

 

I'll give it some more thought.

 

thanks,

 

rev...

Edited June 25, 2006 by reverie

[reverie]

My Poetry Professor from last Semester just happen to be on campus, so I thought I run my poem by him and see what he thought. Wonder of all wonders, he actually wants me to 'add' lines instead of 'cutting' them from the poem.

 

I'll post his suggestions in Green and and his comments in purple. My comments are in red *winks at Evangeline

 

Just grow it up a bit & you're there.

 

Jewel Name? or metaphore?

 

When I look at you, I smile,

For your presence proves

My xenophobic father wrong, who said / [ a like quoting line, showing his xenophopia?]

 

When you say we are ‘Halflings’

I know that I should

Stand as firmly as you

In both lands of the free. Italized and especially underlined text unclear

 

Yet, I am much older than you,

And my family did not understand

That cultures could blend in such

Exquisite shades of bronze and amber.

 

And so now I can only thank you, / dear adopted brother. / or same reveiling clarification - it's not quite clear enough yet, from title... (some word that begins with an "e" and may have a "z" in it and ends with a "rally" or "vally" / I can't quite make out his handwriting)

For showing me, what

What I might have become.

Edited June 30, 2006 by reverie

[reverie]

Okay for the sake of less clutter, I'll comment further on his suggestions in this post.

 

Title: Good point, whether or not it's a metaphor or name is unclear. I considered adding in an additional reference to Thailand in the title which would make this a non-issue, but I'm going to need to think about it more. Incidentally "Jewel' happens to be the English translation of the person I wrote the poem for. I like the title and probably will keep the word "Jewel" in it; I just have to consider how I'm going to work in the Thailand reference, or if I'm going to do that at all.

 

1st stanza:

 

*Comma in first line, I guess by now I should caught that one myself.

*3rd line: Hmm another vote against 'xenophobic'. Okay, Prof McFee, I know, I know: "Show, don't tell". But, ya know if I could come up with a line of dialogue that express this, then I could deal with dropping 'xenophobic,' but for the moment I can't, so it stays. Hmm, actually, he's got me thinking, I can probably express it as an act just as well as dialogue, and if I cut the phrase just right I may be able work in a Thailand reference, which would free me from doing it in the title or later. That's an awful lot of weight for one phrase to convey in such a small space. It'd be great if I could pull it off though.

 

2nd Stanza:

 

*1st line: Three cheers for for 'Halfings!'

*2nd-4th line: Apparently my Prof does not know that Thailand literal means "Free Land." Or maybe, he just has no idea that I'm talking about Thailand as well as America. At any rate, I can partially address this issue in the title or in the 1st stanza. If I am able to clarify it in either of those places then I will not touch this stanza.

 

3rd Stanza: Alright, I manage to slip a stanza through unscathed. Go rev go.

 

4th Stanza:

 

*1st line: I'm actually surprised he didn't try to change my wording here. I guess you right Cyril. It does work. As far as adding a clause of clarification, I'm don't have too much of an objection to this. Hmm, I'll just have to rethink my relationship to the person that this poem was addressed. That could take while.

*2nd/3rd line: Dropping 'what' a line does kind of make since, it was already set apart from the rest of the 2nd line with a comma. Good call Prof.

 

 

***

 

I'll have to give these suggestion more thought before I act on them though. Maybe wait a good healthy day or two.

 

thanks for all your comments ppl,

 

rev...

Edited June 30, 2006 by reverie