Naruto67 Posted June 14, 2006 Report Share Posted June 14, 2006 (edited) Sorry..., I couldn't think of a title. Why must things always be hate? We love each other, We care for each other, so why can't we just be together? I want to just be with you, I want to just hug you, hold you, keep you next to me, let you know that I want to protect you, why can't we just do that? Must things always be a fight? Must we always quarrel over such pitiful things? things that won't even matter even two seconds from this very moment, I love you, So why can't we just be together? ----------------------------------------------new poem------------------------------------- LIFE It seems to be never ending, your life seems to have an unwritten road, that's because it does, no one can say who you'll be in a year, or in 9 months, or 35 weeks, or 15 days, or even tomarrow, Humans are so very fickle, our entire outlook on life can change in an instant, We'll believe in God one minute, than wonder if he even exists in another, Our destiny is chosen only by yourself, not your parents, not your friends, not even God himself, You choose your path, You and you alone -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm sorry. I think I may have messed up on that last one. I'll post it any way. See what you guys think. Sorry if you feel that i wasted your time. Edited June 16, 2006 by Tsuzuki Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted June 14, 2006 Report Share Posted June 14, 2006 First off, welcome to the Pen! About your poems.. good things first. I like the subjects, ones that I've tackled before and will again no doubt. Specially in the first one you use the questions well, and the end could very well be the beginning, if you know what I mean. The second is a somewhat more difficult subject and it seems a bit chaotic to me, you might want to listen to the meter more.. find the rhythm that you would want in this poem, and construct the words to them.. not the other way around. Another good idea would be to keep the lines to a minimum, because at one point you seem to be talking, and the next you're summing things up.. find a good reason for this change and maybe elaborate on the talking bit to counter the 'summing things up' bit.. err.. yeah, didn't know how else to say that heh. Sorry if I can't give any obvious improvements at this moment, since I've seen little of your work so far. But finding the rhythm might help already.. and don't shy away if you find that you have to change that rhythm half-way through.. just make it obvious enough, and it'll fit. I hope my ramble was of some help. Welcom once more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naruto67 Posted June 15, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2006 THANKS!!! I'm glad you liked them. I don't really pay attention to meter or anything. I like free verse. It allows me to just express what I feel with out the thought of restraints. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted June 15, 2006 Report Share Posted June 15, 2006 Firstly..welcome to the Pen Secondly...definitely not a waste of time In this community you are free to spew creativity, and you can always ask for people to have a look at your work...in fact, you can always ask people around here if you have questions about the Pen or about anything connected to it Then the poem... I really liked the first one. Valid questions, and it reads like a waterfall. I remember the feelings of the person in the poem all too well, and I think you've put it nicely in words. the second one...hmm. The subject is good, but yeah the wording and rythm could do with some changes. no one can say who you'll be in a year, or in 9 months, or 35 weeks, or 15 days, or even tomarrow, Lastly, I still had a question...how come you chose for these numbers here? I'm not too much of a number freak, but was still wondering if there was a logical reason Anyway, welcome to the Pen once more, and I hope you'll find this community as amazing as I've always done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naruto67 Posted June 16, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2006 there was no real logic to it. I guess, if I thought about it, I may have chosen some sort of pattern. I didn't do it conciously though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted June 18, 2006 Report Share Posted June 18, 2006 Hi welcome, Please don't be offended by this, I know how it is being new somewhere and just starting out. But, I like help where I can... Anyway, some general advice/comments: Why must things always be hate? We love each other, We care for each other, so why can't we just be together? I want to just be with you, I want to just hug you, hold you, keep you next to me, let you know that I want to protect you, why can't we just do that? Must things always be a fight? Must we always quarrel over such pitiful things? things that won't even matter even two seconds from this very moment, I love you, So why can't we just be together? In a nutshell your poem is saying: * I had a fight(s) with someone I care for (blame is uncertain) *I don't like fighting with him/her, so let's stop. *I love that someone, isn't that enough? Okay. I think your poem could be greatly improved if you stop for a moment and consider: *Who this someone (that you care for) really is (then tell us or better yet show us in your poem) -i.e. your vision of them *Why you love them *Why you fight and what about. If you can answer those questions, I think you'll find that you'll have more than enough mental images to fuel your next poem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted June 18, 2006 Report Share Posted June 18, 2006 (edited) Hmm, now let's look at life: LIFE It seems to be never ending, your life seems to have an unwritten road, that's because it does, no one can say who you'll be in a year, or in 9 months, or 35 weeks, or 15 days, or even tomarrow, Humans are so very fickle, our entire outlook on life can change in an instant, We'll believe in God one minute, than wonder if he even exists in another, Our destiny is chosen only by yourself, not your parents, not your friends, not even God himself, You choose your path, You and you alone *** hmm. Think you're mixing your metaphors. Example: Life It seems to be never ending, your life seems to have an unwritten road, that's because it does, Unwritten? Do you write a road? Or do you mean unridden. That would make more sense. But to do this you have to modify the line: "you life seems to be an unridden road That's because it is," But somehow, I don't think that what you were going for. hmm. Well you could always do the unwritten book/story/song/verse/page motif You also shift your prespective around alot going from: it to you to our to we then back to you. Pick one or two, that will ground the voice of the poem more. Also, if can avoid it: two statements with the word "seem' in it should not be used so close together. Actually "seems" a loaded word in general. Be careful how you us it. Basically, I know we all want to write the 'Big' themes: Life, Religion, Meaning, Love, Right/Wrong etc. Yet, the funny thing is, you can't really write about these things unless you focus on the small stuff. The more specific and true to your own experience you are, the more these greater themes will start to appear in your work. First time I heard this, I got anger, but more time goes by the more I find it to be true. best of luck, rev... Edited June 18, 2006 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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