Wyvern Posted May 28, 2006 Report Posted May 28, 2006 I read through this recently, and thought that it lived up to your usual reputation for excellent stories and scenarios Zadown. One thing that I found intriguing about this story was how it focussed on the perspective of Jankiize for a change, instead of the Dreamer. The switch felt a little disorienting at first, but really worked effectively as the story unfolded and progressed. It was cool to experience Jankiize's worries and fears throughout the various conversations and situations, and her contemplations about mortality were also intriguing. I also found it interesting that it was Jankiize that called upon the Dreamer for help for a change, instead of the Dreamer dragging her off on some mission. My favorite moment in this was the campfire scene before the battle when Jankiize is drifting off to sleep, as the masked exchanges of father-daughter love between Jankiize and the Dreamer were really perfectly done there (and I also loved the Dreamer's typically bad-ass statement: "Those exceedin'ly stupid an' reckless should never be allowed t' breed - 'tis a favor to these Thalkemians, this cullin,'" hahaaa). :-) I also really liked the point when Jankiize was upset over her exchanges with Melenar and Regher, and quickly switched the subject to the weather to avoid talking about it. Great stuff! In terms of possible things to improve: I think Jankiize's need to drive away the Thalkemians might be made a little more urgent if more backstory was given behind their current crusade, though it could an element referenced from another story that I forgot about. Still, the first few posts felt a little less intriguing to me than the posts after Jankiize's need to drive away the Thalkemians is revealed, and you might want to reference the conflict a bit earlier somehow. On a minor note, I also noticed that this story had more typos in it than Dreamer stories usually do (perhaps it was your mortal side coming out to play via Jankiize? heeheehee!), but they didn't really detract from my reading or anything. :-) Anyway, great stuff once again Z'down! Sorry to keep getting to your stories late, I hope my tardy responses ain't too disorienting or anything. I'll be checking for your other ones, as usual. :-)
Zadown Posted May 28, 2006 Report Posted May 28, 2006 Thanks for the review as usual, Wyvern. Take your time with them - I'm always thankful to see a reader's point of view about my rambling saga. It's funny to see how something that's almost meaningless, a line of conversation that was a total afterthought to me can be awesome to a reader and something I thought I wrote particulary well might be considered as incomprehensible or boring. About the Thalkemian threat - that is already completely nullified, drama-wise, by the Dreamer's comment in the first segment - "Yer comin' t' observe what devastation yer words bring, then.". The Dreamer is on the case, nothing mortal will stand against him, the Thalkemians are done. What remains is to see how this gets accomplished and how high the price is for Jankiize. I'm not arguing against the fact there would have been more potential for ... tension, or drama, or something like that. I could have underlined Jankiize's overwhelming relief when the surly planewalker finalizes his agreement to help to make it clear that's not where the drama lays. "Havoc" is, as many other stories in the Dreamer saga, about the price of power and the gulf it creates between those who have it and those who do not. However well or badly it does succeed in that. As I re-read it, it does seem she is a bit too carefree about the whole thing at the beginning of the story - the rigid brittleness of her mask of composure is only hinted at, explained a bit but only later on: "She had been calm at the meeting, drawing confidence from the nervousness of her own husband and the commander, but now she only had the Dreamer for company." The Dreamer can affoard to be carefree about the situation of course, but there could have been a bit more explanation about the emotions she was going through. Dunno why there's more typoes than normal. I guess I should run them through the spellchecker but the planewalker accent makes it a pain.
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