Last gasps

[Regel]

Salted faces of disbelief

Ship adrift with a broken beam

Shattered deck, wet with grief

What horrors had this good crew seen?

 

Sickly sounds as we ran a ground

Repeatedly we would pound

'till finally we broke free

Listing badly now scuppers filling with the sea.

 

The wind sang while white waters crashed

Boards creaked and torn sails lashed

Rocks unseen, sea that gnashed

The good ship groaned, all hopes were dashed

Edited March 8, 2007 by Regel

[Wyvern]

Nice poem, Regel. :-) The imagery of the ship crashing and of the stranded crew were both well done, and I really like how some of the language you used reflected the crew's perspective. The rhyme scheme of the poem also worked well, though I felt that the adverbs of the second stanza twisted the flow of the piece a bit (particularly "literally," which is somewhat irrelevent). Also, while the story of the poem is interesting and cool to read, I had trouble looking at it in any metaphorical or thematic sense, though the general notion of tragedy does seem to apply. On a minor note: "groans" should probably read "groaned" in the last stanza to stick with the past tense of the rest of the poem.

 

Nicely done, thanks for sharing this.

[Dros]

I really enjoy this poem Regel, the imagery is awesome. And as Wyvern said, changing "groans" into groaned should help a bit. But other than that, great piece!

[Savage Dragon]

this is not the kind of pome I like to read, but thats a reflection on the fact that my entire family past and present have all been sailors and not a reflection on the poem itself.

 

the poem itself I really enjoyed and I would hesitantly disagree with Wyvern on the use of the word "literally" because I think it allows the use of a cliche line in an original way, and I love using cliche lines in orignal ways...

 

but Wyvern has been doing this much longer than I have and he also happens to be an elder so it's understandable if you side with him