JoshTheMessenger Posted May 16, 2006 Report Posted May 16, 2006 Why are you afraid to be happy? What is it that you fear? Some memory of an old love That belongs to another year? What is it that makes you hesitate? That keeps you from getting near A devotion to a past lover That is no longer here? What is it that makes you unhappy? What’s causing all your tears? You think your sobs are silent You don’t realize that I hear Why do you keep false smiles on your face? And keep yourself hidden in the rear Your lies meant to protect me Cause a pain that only sears Why are you afraid to be happy? What is it that you fear? Don’t you see how it hurts me? Don’t you see me standing here?
Sweetcherrie Posted May 16, 2006 Report Posted May 16, 2006 *holds breath as the questions strike* *reads signature* Right, no comments then. Thank you for posting this, and welcome at the Pen.
reverie Posted May 16, 2006 Report Posted May 16, 2006 (edited) Interesting variations on the ballad stanza format. You might want to consider fleshing it out into a full-fledge musical ballad with refrains and what not, though, IMHO, ballads work better in third person, rather than in first person. oh and welcome to the pen. revery. Edited May 16, 2006 by reverie
NightFae Posted May 17, 2006 Report Posted May 17, 2006 Yes, I know. No comments will get responses. HOWEVER, I'm not looking for a response. I just wanted to point out one bit...I'm not saying it's bad, I do it too from time to time. The fourth...Bit. Stanza. Whatever you want to call it...It's all a bit longer than the rest of it. It doesn't fit quite as well. And somehow, the last line...I think it might just work better to remove "standing" to make it just that little bit shorter, in order to match the others. ...Wow. That was longer than I thought it'd be. And with that...I shall leave. Ta ta, my darling. And welcome to the Pen!
madhatter Posted May 19, 2006 Report Posted May 19, 2006 Welcome to the Pen as well. Just a heads up - constructive criticism is always helpful. But, if you choose to ignore it, no one's stopping you. Just keep an open mind. Even the best poets look for someone to critique them. But then again, enjoy yourself.
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