candlelight manifestations

[theravingderelict]

sitting in the dark,

a candle my only light,

i stare deep into the dark,

praying no to fail my true sight,

 

shadowed images take shape before my eyes,

manifestations of my imagination,

i see these things real before my eyes,

but stil i know they are only personifications,

 

my hate, anger and pain,

take the shape of my demons,

i often question myself,am i insane?

why do i think these impure intentions?

 

the demons dance around my mind fire,

in which they roast children,

they point and laugh, calling me a liar,

i lie to myself, the truth remains hidden,

 

a waiting day to break eternal darkness,

penetrate the hell i am in,

surely i must've passed the test,

i must be saved from sin,

 

but it seems i do not deserve rescue,

for i seem eternally trapped,

maybe if i had've done what i was ment to,

i wouldnt be enveloped in saddness, completley wrapped

[Wyvern]

Interesting poem, ravingderelict. :-) My favorite stanza was definitely the one in which the demons burn the children in the narrator's mind, as I found the concept of being accused of lying to oneself intriguing. The life-like presence of the demon manifestations was also nicely done, as the vivid way that the demons appear before the narrator made his troubles seem urgent.

 

The rhyme scheme of this poem seems to work for the most part, but the syllable count and the rhythm of the lines felt a little off to me. It's difficult to feel the full effect of the rhymes when the lines are all of various lengths and rhythms, and you might consider making this aspect of the poem more consistent if you choose to revise it. There were also instances where I felt that large words and phrases were used where a much shorter arrangement might have been clearer and more concise. If these phrases were shortened, there's a good chance that the rhythm of the piece would also be strengthened. For example, in the third stanza, "I often question myself, am i insane?" might read better as "I often ask myself, am I insane?" as "ask" is a clearer term that makes the phrase read better when paralleled with "my hate, anger and pain." With the phrase "I often question myself, am i insane?," the reader could interpret it as his insanity question coming from the fact that he's questioning himself, or as a prelude statement to his asking questions.

 

Anyhoo, the theme and imagery of the poem are both interesting. :-) Thanks for sharing this.