WASH

[sea vegetable]

WASH

 

There she stood bathing

Through the toitoi I watched

She painted herself

To clean the dark corners.

An invitation-

Noticing, too, I was filthy

She cleansed me in kohowai

And we were covered together

In the earth again.

Edited May 9, 2006 by sea vegetable

[Wyvern]

I like this poem, sea vegetable. :-) Your use of language strikes me as interesting, not only with the foreign terms "toitoi" and "kohowai," but also with the use of "paint" to describe the bathing and cleansing. I also appreciate how concise and well-phrased this poem is, and like the sensual image that it evokes. The one thing that I'm uncertain of is whether the poem might benefit from a bit of punctuation or not... the lack thereof does give it an interesting feel, but there were points where I was a bit uncertain as to how sets of lines should be read (i.e would it be "She painted herself to clean the dark corners. An invitation" or "She painted herself. To clean the dark corners, an invitation"?).

 

Good stuff, I look forward to reading more of your work. :-) Welcome to the Pen.

[sea vegetable]

I like this poem, sea vegetable. :-) Your use of language strikes me as interesting, not only with the foreign terms "toitoi" and "kohowai," but also with the use of "paint" to describe the bathing and cleansing. I also appreciate how concise and well-phrased this poem is, and like the sensual image that it evokes. The one thing that I'm uncertain of is whether the poem might benefit from a bit of punctuation or not... the lack thereof does give it an interesting feel, but there were points where I was a bit uncertain as to how sets of lines should be read (i.e would it be "She painted herself to clean the dark corners. An invitation" or "She painted herself. To clean the dark corners, an invitation"?).

 

Good stuff, I look forward to reading more of your work. :-) Welcome to the Pen.

 

An excellent point. Im no scholar, so appreciate the comment. Will have a correction up soon......sea veg