Guest Phoenix Posted April 24, 2006 Report Posted April 24, 2006 i breathe in with your out breath. hoping to catch, at the least, some essence of you to hold when this moment fades to oblivion. my life seems at present a series of moments. opportunities taken, then forgotten, words spoken, unspoken, broken. each interposed on the other till they blend into a melody that almost overwhelms me with its intensity there is only so much i can take so many challenges i can face per day in this balancing tightrope act that leaves me dry. tired. too brittle for the true life that has eluded me for so long. i turn to you for a breath of fresh air and once again am overwhelmed. our harmony, in truth, hurts me with its honesty. you open me too deep and leave me vulnerable with the need to pinch myself, and the fear that i will wake. and so i hold you a moment longer against the day when the choice to hold you may no longer be mine to make. breathe your breath into me and hold my breath... ___________________________________________ *rambles* a eulogy to misguided relationships and deluding myself
Ayshela Posted April 24, 2006 Report Posted April 24, 2006 too tired for serious critique, but i couldn't pass this one by without saying "I LOVE this!" I could almost feel myself floating back in time, lying beside someone and watching them sleep, waiting until they awoke and being half-afraid that I would. There were several times I stopped and looked at how you'd phrased something and said "Oh, neat!" but I think this is my favourite - vulnerable with the need to pinch myself, and the fear that i will wake. nicely balanced, the fear and need. I LIKE this. Thank you for posting it!
Mynx Posted April 24, 2006 Report Posted April 24, 2006 'Shela's right hun, this is a very very well written piece of work *hugs close* Kitty likes a lot
Sweetcherrie Posted April 24, 2006 Report Posted April 24, 2006 hmm...I like this as well, wonder what it would look like in prose form Thank you for posting your work here, Phoenix. It's always a joy reading it.
WrenWind Posted April 24, 2006 Report Posted April 24, 2006 The title of the piece caught my eye first. As I started to read I was pulled into it's flow. Lovely! Found myself taking a deep breath at the end and holding it.
Guest Phoenix Posted April 25, 2006 Report Posted April 25, 2006 Wow *blushes* thanks i didn't think my ramblings would inspire so much reaction.... its nice thanks *chuckles* i find it interesting that the responses are all from women though... maybe its a female thing? sincere thanks for your wonderful words i am at a loss to describe how touched i am by you all... xxx Phoenix
Appy Posted April 25, 2006 Report Posted April 25, 2006 Well here's another response from a woman And I too join in the praise. Very well written, and especially the first sentence and last stanza were very provoking when it came to how I felt reading this. Hmm, not true, almost all of the sentences poked something in me. Oh, and normally I can't even start on reading something this long, but the rhythm is that of spoken word almost, and it just took me by the hand and led me through the poem. So special praise to that! Thank you for sharing
hoyskolt Posted July 11, 2006 Report Posted July 11, 2006 Again with the titles .. I don't think this title does the poem any justice at all .. I wont say anything more than that but I would like to see a title that doesn't take away the power of the word 'breathe and breath in the poem but strengthens it .. if you see what I mean ? I think you summed up the angle of the voice in this poem quite well yourself .. a eulogoy to misguided relationships and delusions of self. .. I think this wraps it up quite nicely .. infact .. I think your words after the poems could be a title .. or at least hint towards something that could do as a good title I really like the underlying melancholy of this piece even though it is also strongly sensual on the surface .. That contradiction and confusion I guess .. is something I think you've done brilliantly here in your imagry .. now onto my tiny nit picks at your poem with some suggested changed line breaks : i breathe in with your out breath. (I think this line has an awesome image but sounds awkward when read my suggestion is to change it in one of two ways .. whichever you like better ) either i in-breathe with your out-breath or i breathe in with your breath out hoping to catch, at the least, some essence of you to hold when this moment fades to oblivion. my life seems at present a series of moments. opportunities taken, then forgotten, words spoken, unspoken, broken. each interposed on the other till they blend into a melody that almost overwhelms me with its intensity ( love this stanza .. but do you mean almost .. as in it actually doesnt overwhelm you ..just close to .. or do you mean that it does overwhelm you at times ? ..) there is only so much i can take only so many challenges i can face per day in this balancing tightrope act that leaves me dry. tired. too brittle for the true life that has eluded me for so long. i turn to you for a breath of fresh air and once again am overwhelmed. our harmony, in truth, hurts me with its honesty. you open me too deep and leave me vulnerable with the need to pinch myself, and the fear that i will wake. and so i hold you a moment longer against the day when the choice to hold you may no longer be mine to make. breathe your breath into me and hold my breath...
LilacFlame Posted March 14, 2007 Report Posted March 14, 2007 Oh LOVELY! I don't think I took a breath myself while I read it. It drew me in the very first stanza and I felt it resonate deep within me. Thank you for writing something so beautiful, and evocative.
Ozymandias Posted March 20, 2007 Report Posted March 20, 2007 Well, I've *got* to represent the guys then, eh? \;>) I too love the spoken word style of it; the poem flows equally well as normal (much more passionate than average) conversation as it does in its literary nature. Made me feel like you and I were sitting togther, and you were telling me bittersweet stories of your past. Also, My *dad* actually surfed by last night to look at *my* new poem, and after reading that, he read yours. He said (with calm emphasis), "I like that one."
ryurei Posted March 21, 2007 Report Posted March 21, 2007 this poem I believe holds the heart of a one sided romance while holding to optimism. it truly sums up many of my misadventures without a doubt. thank you for sharing this piece.
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