#66

[Mira]

Damn the ubiquitous "They"

Well They say
And They say

They say that I've gone away
To boldly flee another day
To form my image in brittle clay
Well I think this time I'll decide to stay
For just one more act in this endless play
For just one more stroll down this forgotten way
Beneath the moon, and the stars, and the trees

[reverie]

Intial Feelings:

 

After first line - "Yeah, right on, but what's up with the italics?"

 

After 2nd Stanza - Confused, not sure what you're getting at. The way it's phrased has me confused and the Capitalized "They" combined with the Italics heightens it.

 

After last Stanza - Still confused, had a brief connection to the resurection of jesus, but dismiss it. Also thought the rhyme skeme and progressive line lengths looked nice, though they did not help me with understanding the poem.

 

 

Images evoked:

 

*A big "They" written in black letters several times...

*Red clay of a bank mingled with mud from a swallow creek or river bank. (old memory)

*An obscure figure walking down a lonely road. Details are blured, nothing clear.

* An equaling obscure picture (like an actual photograph) of the moon, stars, and trees.

 

 

Things of interest

 

*Whilte the poem possesses some punctuation, I think that it could be improved by adding more thoroughtout... The 2nd stanza phrasing seem particularly awkward.

 

*Italics. I don't think you need them. Italics are good for signfying that a particlar word or phrase is different from the rest of the text, or that you are directly referencing something. To put the entire poem in italics in effect negates the need for italics at all.

 

*In the first stanza the pronoun "They" in set quotes, but in the proceeding stanza, the next two references to "They" are not put in quotes, yet they captilized. If the effect you are looking for is differentiating the 1 stanza "They" from the set of 2nd stanza "They"'s,

Then I would recommend:

 

-discarding the blanket italics

-Putting the 2nd stanza set of "They"'s in Italics.

-Possibly decapitalize the 2nd stanza set???

 

Actually even if you are not trying to differeniate the 2nd stanza from the 1st, I would follow the same recommendation above for the sake greater reading ease. Or you could playing with puncuation of the phrase or rephrasing it entirely.

 

*Think you could omit the pharse "They say" in the 3rd stanza. The 2nd stanza has already set the line up.

 

e.g.

 

Well They say

And They say

 

They say That I've gone away

To boldly flee another day

To form my image in brittle clay

Well I think this time I'll decide to stay

For just one more act in this endless play

For just one more stroll down this forgotten way

Beneath the moon, and the stars, and the trees

 

 

 

Well, that's my take on it...

 

have fun,

 

rev...

Edited April 19, 2006 by reverie

[Appy]

Actually I rather liked the full italics.

It gives a sense of the writer being nothing more than a narrator to his own play, while behind him the things he says are acted out, or upon. By Them perhaps?

Of course this feeling is enhanced by the actual line mentioning acts and plays.

 

The one line which caught me off guard and seems to have no real purpose is : To form my image in brittle clay.. but maybe I just haven't thought about it enough yet.

 

Striking images and interesting format. Especially the second stanza feels very strong to me. Thanks for posting

[reverie]

"Actually I rather liked the full italics.

It gives a sense of the writer being nothing more than a narrator to his own play, while behind him the things he says are acted out, or upon. By Them perhaps?

Of course this feeling is enhanced by the actual line mentioning acts and plays."

 

Oh sure, italics can do this, but I still think they detract from the overall clarity of the poem.

 

Mira's got a particularly interesting feedback requirement/guideline. I just tried to follow it to the letter. I think he's right to ask that we use it for I believe it inspires more meaniful anaylsis.

 

Though, I wonder what images you find striking? There are only two real images in this poem:

 

that of "the brittle clay."

and "the moon, stars, and trees."

Though the "stroll" lline could be image too, but it's rather bare thought.

 

Of those the only strong image is that of the "clay," but only by comparision.

 

Mira's a seasoned poet and a Guild Leader, no need to treat him with kid gloves.

 

rev...

Edited April 19, 2006 by reverie

[Mira]

Thank you for the comments both of you.

 

 

 

 

As for the whole italics thing if you looked back at my works almost everyone of the 66 or more poems posted here are italicized. Its just something I do, though I understand what you're saying about the "They"'s not sticking out. Also as far as the first line of the third stanza goes, I debated about removing the first two words, but decided to keep them since I felt it gave it a bit more lyrical quality when read aloud. I suppose I'm just going to have to record it or something.

[Ayshela]

I looked at the suggestion to strike "They say" from the first line of the third stanza, but i agree that it reads more smoothly and retains a more solid connection to what came before *with* than without it.

 

comments on the way through -

 

Damn the ubiquitous "They"

you had me hooked here, i've cursed "they" and "them" loudly and fluently more than once. =)

 

Well They say

And They say

perhaps i'm reading my experience into this, but i had to smile as i could almost feel the bitter sarcasm dripping off these lines. "They say" as if they know all - and how often They know nearly nothing.

 

They say that I've gone away

To boldly flee another day

i LOVE this. The inherent contradiction in boldly fleeing brings swirling images ranging from schoolyard bullies to commanders calling a strategic retreat, and chattering comments from "he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day" to all-too-oft heard snide commentary on someone's supposed cowardice. You draw in a wide range with such neatly conflicting words, here, covering both the experience of one contemplating courses of action and the incessant sniping of detractors.

 

To form my image in brittle clay

having worked with clay, i can only look at this one and wish you luck.

 

Well I think this time I'll decide to stay

For just one more act in this endless play

For just one more stroll down this forgotten way

Beneath the moon, and the stars, and the trees

This feels, to me, much like a deep sigh and decision to defy "them" and what "they say" even though there may be little to no pleasure in the doing ("one more act in this endless play" - one more dance with the detractors?). I confess to a slightly quizzical smile at "one more stroll down this forgotten way" as, if it's truly forgotten, how could you find it for your stroll? Forgotten by whom - you? "Them"? Anyone? Everyone?

I really like the peaceful note you wrap this up with. A nice touch, as a final contradiction from your beginning point.

[Patrick]

Well I think this time I'll decide to stay

For just one more act in this endless play

 

 

I really liked these two lines of the poem. As for Ayshela, these two lines invoked the image of fleeing from something in one's life but then finally mustering the courage to face one's fears. As someone who can be much too shy in certain situations, I can totally relate to this image.

[Sweetcherrie]

reverie: I would like to remind you that not all of us are equally strong in commenting on the techniques of poetry.

 

Mira's a seasoned poet and a Guild Leader, no need to treat him with kid gloves.

This is something that might demotivate people to even comment on poetry any longer, because they might feel that they are not strong enough to say something, so they say nothing.

 

May cows change to fish if I'm wrong, but isn't feedback from all levels appreciated? And shouldn't we also accept the feedback from someon who simply says 'I liked it' thankfully? Simply because this person took the time to read and respond....

 

I don't always know which words to use to describe a poem, and I certainly have no idea about all the technical aspects of a poem, but I still hope this doesn't mean I'm no longer allowed to post feedback....

 

To Mira: There is little I can add to what others have said, but I hope that even a simple 'thank you for posting and trusting us enough to let us read your work' is received well.

[reverie]

To Mira regarding italics: Okay cool, I understand why you used them now.

 

To Ayshela and Mira regarding the third stanza: I think you're right, "out loud" it reads better that way, then what I suggested on the page. Maybe a punctuation compromise somewhere would be helpful. But as you know this is one of weaknesses, so am not sure what else could be done. Hmm.

 

To Sweet: Duly noted, check your PM.

 

rev...

Edited April 20, 2006 by reverie

[Mira]

Thanks for the comments all.



Well damn the ubiquitous They

But They say
And They say

They say that I've gone away
To boldly flee another day
To form my image in brittle clay
Well I think this time I'll decide to stay
For just one more act in this endless play
For just one more stroll down this forgotten way
Beneath the moon, and the stars, and the trees