Moth to Flame

[Jareena Faye]

A moth to flame and I to sin.

When did this sick game begin,

Chasing

And racing

To see who would die first?

A lawless life no man can save,

And in our blood we blithely bathe,

Singing

And flinging

Our souls into the fire

Like moths to flame,

Yes, moths to flame,

This our solemn requiem choir.

 

A kamikaze to the ground

And I to death with screaming sound,

Crying

And flying

A blazing spiral plight.

Can't comprehend how victory

Is putting off the best of me,

Giving

And living

By joining God in death

Like moths to flame,

Yes, moths to flame,

This our song in final breath.

 

A caterpillar to the grave

And I to Christ's tomb to be saved,

Shrinking

And sinking

To baptism by fire.

A butterfly is soon to live,

A new life being just to give,

Rasping

And clasping

To fade into Christ's light

Like moths to flame,

Yes, moths to flame,

Giving up the hopeless fight.

Edited April 18, 2006 by Jareena Faye

[Sweetcherrie]

I absolutely love this poem.

 

The words tumble down and pulled me down through the stanzas, leading me and guiding me.

 

I can read many things in it, and it really gives me that itchy feeling inside of wanting to read it again and again. Sorry I'm not more cohesive. I found it hard to give any feedback, but didn't want to leave this one without saying something.

 

Thank you immensly for posting this, I really enjoy reading it, even though I can't seem to express my feelings about it too clearly

Edited June 7, 2006 by Sweetcherrie

[Wyvern]

Nice poem, Jareena. :-) I thought that the parallel rhythm and structure of the stanzas worked well, and that the religious overtones were well-incorporated. The comparison of society to moths getting caught in flame, though fairly common as a metaphor, was given a fresh twist to me with the notion of being reborn as a butterfly. I also loved the use of the word "kamikaze" in the second stanza, and liked the hopeless note that you ended it on.

 

One line you might consider revising for rhythm is the final line of the first stanza, which reads with 8 syllables while the other two stanzas end in 7. I initially didn't like the repetition of "moths to flame" in the two lines preceding the last line of each stanza, perhaps because of the use of "Yes" in those lines, which felt more informal to me than the rest of the piece... but the repetition does add a certain lingering rhythm to the rhyme scheme in the last lines.

 

Well done, once again.

[Jareena Faye]

Yay! Very thank you, friends, for the praise (and for your crits, Wyv! I just knew there'd be at least one awkward rhythm in there).

 

One note is that the last line wasn't actually meant to be hopeless... When I give up the hopeless fight, I'm letting God fight for me.

 

God bless, and happy post-Easter!

[Mynx]

Hey stranger. Good to see you around.

I really really like this poem.

As Sweet said above the tumbling rhythm pulled me into it and it reminded me of a couple of songs I know.

Very nicely written.

*hugs*

[Sweetcherrie]

Mind if I try putting an image to this poem?