Azuran Posted April 15, 2006 Report Posted April 15, 2006 A more literal poem from where my thoughts ended up at the last line of the poem I posted right before this one (Fleeting Apathy). There are definitely parts of this one that I couldn't seem to get sounding right...it's so hard to put things into words sometimes :/ I am just another leaf, At the mercy of the sheer power of the wind. Even towering trees are humbled, Bent by the invisible surges, Branches and foliage giving voice to the storm. The thrill of danger empowers me, Excitement and emotion beyond description. Pupils dilate in the surreal darkness, Every chaotic detail vivid on my retina. I smell the rain, long before. Giddy anticipation finally rewarded with voluptuous drops, Splattering forcefully on my upturned face, To thunderous applause.
reverie Posted April 15, 2006 Report Posted April 15, 2006 (edited) not bad... You might have the beginning of something here. Your feedback level in your profile says you want ppl be "brutely honest." So if you don't mind, I can offer you some suggestions. I am just another a leaf, (common sentement is implied) At the mercy of the sheer power of the wind. less is more Even towering trees are humbled, Hmm, either strip it down, or expand: E.G. Even the trees are humbled or Even the trees towering above (me) are humbled Though am not too sure on this one Bent by the invisible surges, Branches and foliage giving voice to the storm. Invisible? If you can see what the stream of air is moving, is it truely invisible? Maybe just: Bent by surges of air. Or condense: Branches bent by the surges of air/invisible surges Give(ing) voice to the storm. The thrill of Danger empowers me, Excitement and emotion beyond description. (Cliche: Plus, nothing is beyond at least the bare sketch of description, otherwise why write about it.) Pupils dilate in the surreal darkness, Why surreal? Everything has seemed plausible up to this point. Every chaotic detail vivid on my retina. Good: maybe expand this, then lead into more vivid description I smell the coming (or what have you) rain, long before. Giddy anticipation finally rewarded with voluptuous raindrops, Splattering forcefully on my upturned face, To thunderous applause. Last lines, consider condensing/rephrasing so as to create a smoother transition from the build up the rest of your poem has created. I do like the overall image of comparing your face to the that of a leaf getting splattered by rain. E.G. Anticipation finally rewarded with (the) thunderous applause Splattering forcefully on (or upon)my upturned face. Well that my two cents. If you have more detailed questions on Structure, Overall form, or just phrasing in general, I'd recommend seeking Q, Ayshela, or Nyyrak out. Hope that wasn't too honest for ya, rev... Edited April 15, 2006 by reverie
Tanuchan Posted April 15, 2006 Report Posted April 15, 2006 (edited) You surely like dancing in the storm I like the image this one evokes, though I myself would have used simpler words ... I've always thought that nature is best reflected through simplicity - but that's me . While reading, I thought that some lines look too long for a nice rhythm, and a couple sounded too short. I am just another leaf, At the mercy of the sheer power of the wind. The second verse here seems too long... compare maybe with I am just another leaf, At the mercy of the power of the wind, Even towering trees are humbled, Bent by the invisible surges, Branches and foliage giving voice to the storm. Personally, I'd also try to avoid the 'giving voice'... because of the clash of /v/ sound... Pupils dilate in the surreal darkness, Every chaotic detail vivid on my retina. Again, I feel that it's too long... I read it smoother if it goes like... Pupils dilate in the surreal darkness, Chaotic detail vivid on my retina ... and even so the last verse still seems a bit rough. I smell the rain, long before. Giddy anticipation finally rewarded with voluptuous drops, Splattering forcefully on my upturned face, To thunderous applause. Two points in here - second verse feels way too long, and the word "forcefully" in the third verse... I can't explain why, but I do feel it doesn't fit though it passes on the image you wanted - I guess . Compare maybe to... I smell the rain, long before. Giddy anticipation rewarded with voluptuous drops, Splattering forcefully on my upturned face, To thunderous applause. And I really like these verses... The thrill of danger empowers me, Excitement and emotion beyond description. Pupils dilate in the surreal darkness, *hugs* Thank you again for sharing with us ~Tanny Edit: Az, while reading this the image you passed stuck in my mind... the result is in this other thread. Thank you, and sorry for stealing inspiration from your muse Edited April 15, 2006 by Tanuchan
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