Good vs Bad Story Challenge

[Katzaniel]

If you're like me, and you've read the story I posted here, you're itching to get at Dennor's story with a red pen and make it better. Go on: I challenge you!

 

Starting at the beginning, take a sentence or two and translate it into a better story. You can take bits from later on, but try to keep it relatively parallel to the way it goes now, so that other Pennites can add on where you left off.

 

The story, without the pauses and such:

 

There once was a girl named Sanda, She had this rabbit. Its name was Whiskers. One day, she was cleaning Whiskers' cage, and she had just finished, and she turned around and he was gone. Now, Sanda was really very attached to her rabbit. She loved him dearly. So she knew she had to do anything she could to get him back. She hurried to put away the cage and then rushed out of the house. She looked every which way. Finally she saw some footprints. She hurried off after them, knowing in her heart that this was the way that Whiskers had gone.

 

Eventually she came upon a group of soldiers. They were gruff-looking men, unshaven, and disgruntled. When Sanda saw them, she was scared. They were in a clearing in a forest, and they were fighting each other with sticks. She didn't realize right away that they were only practising, but still she didn't run. She felt strangely attracted to what was going on. She wanted to see more.

 

Sanda sat down as quietly as she could, behind a tree, and watched. When she saw that they were practising, she began to cheer them on. Quietly, of course. In her mind. The big man with a beard, a short red beard, he looked sort of friendly. He seemed, I mean he almost seemed to be cheering on the rest. Teaching them, maybe. Maybe he was the captain. Anyway, Sanda watched him and she wanted very much to join them, to be taught by him too.

 

But Sanda knew that there was no chance of this. Women were not allowed to be soldiers, and never mind a child like her. Still, she wanted it so much. Finally she got up the courage to go up to them. She would kill two birds with one stone.

 

'Please, sir,' she said to them, which grabbed their attention very fast. 'Please, I've lost my pet rabbit. Can any of you help?' She looked right at the man with the red beard as she talked.

 

'Why of course,' he said, throwing down his stick. 'We'll find your pet in no time.'

 

Sanda was very happy. Not only was one of them going to go with her, but it was the red-bearded man himself. He introduced himself as Ragn, and she was so happy, she made it into a little song.

 

'Ragn, Ragn, what a wonderful man,' she sang, hopping along.

'He helps people out whenever he can.

He lives in the forest and fights with a stick,

He really is cool, he's really quite slick.

Ragn, Ragn, he's going to find Whiskers,

He'll do it whatever the risk is.

He lives in the forest and helps people out,

He's such a great man we should all do a shout!' Sanda did, indeed, end her song with a shout. Ragn's whole face went red, but he kept smiling as they walked along. He was much quicker at finding Whiskers' tracks than she was, so they went along very fast.

 

Anyway, they followed the tracks for a while, and eventually they found Whiskers. He was just sitting under a bush, chewing on some leaves. Sanda became very happy and she went and picked up the rabbit and cuddled him. Ragn watched for a moment, then turned to leave.

 

'Wait,' cried Sanda. She grew very embarrassed about what she was about to say, but she knew she would regret it her whole life if she didn't ask. 'Sir, I saw you practising, fighting...'

 

Ragn nodded. He had no idea what was about to come next.

 

Sanda paused for a moment, then finally blurted it out. 'Will you teach me?'

 

Ragn's eyes widened. This was unlike anything he could have expected. 'You?' he said, unable to hide the surprise.

 

Sanda hung her head. 'Yes,' she said. 'I'd like to learn, very much, sir. I think I could do it.'

 

Ragn thought it over. 'I don't suppose I see why not,' he said. Sanda grew very excited. 'Wow, really, sir? You won't regret it!' She began to sing her song again.

 

'If you keep singing,' said Ragn laughing gently, 'I will regret it.'

 

And so Sanda returned with Ragn to the camp. It took years before everyone else accepted her for who she was, but by that time she was one of the country's best sword fighters. And she defended the country many times in wars before she died, of old age, having ushered in a new age of equality for men and women alike.

 

Any takers? (Remember, I'm hoping this can be a collaborative effort. Just a few sentences at a time, and it's alright if it diverges from the original.)

[Wyvern]

Wyvern smacked his booze-parched lips together when Katzaniel finished explaining the task. His beady eyes went dull as he stared at the instructions page, and he resisted the urge to grunt or guffaw or grab the nearest portable crystal ball to call Cyril for assistance. Instead, he stared at Katzaniel with a hint of a grin, not wondering what to edit so much as how to twist it to suit his every need. His seedy brain had already come up with an outline to fit the basic instructions: it had to start at the beginning, involve a red pen, include only a short segment of text, and add adjustments that made the story better. Well. He had just the thing.

 

"There once was a girl named Sanda, She had this rabbit. who was known far and wide for her D-cups, her nightgowns that showed off her curves, and her arousal towards lizard scales. Oh yeah, and she owned a million dollar bunny. Its name was Whiskers Frisky, the Retarded yet Loveable Hare. One day, she was cleaning Whiskers' cage Frisky's Almost Dragonic Brand Lettuce Wall Bunny Playpen™ [now available in three shades of money green!], and she had just finished, and she turned around and he was gone airing out the aphids that nested in the Playpen with Almost Dragonic Brand Insect Distractor Spray™ [now available in three bug scents!]. Now, Sanda was really very attached to her rabbit Wyvern. She loved him dearly. So she knew she had to do anything she could to get him back fit into that extra-tight leather of hers and seek him out."

 

It was actually very difficult for Wyvern to not go into longer details about Sanda's arousal towards him. But he wanted the excerise open to other pennites to praise Almost Dragonic Products™ with as well. And he couldn't afford to take the editing much further. Nor could he afford to plunge forward. He couldn't afford anything, really.

 

"She hurried to put away the cage and then rushed out of the house. She looked every which way. Finally she saw some footprints Almost Dragonic Inc. Billboards. She hurried off after them, knowing in her heart D-cups that this was the way that Whiskers had gone to Wyvern's classy motel suite."

[The Portrait of Zool]

Zool perked up in his painting. "Huh? You want your story to be edited - to make it better?? I can do that!"

 

Were he able, Zool would have elbowed Wyvern aside, so excited was he by the invitation to defa... to edit Katz's story. Fortunately, Wyvern walked away just as Zool began jesticulating wildly with his Almost Dragonic Remote Editing Picture Pen (Now available in three mediums!). It took him a moment of dismayed frustration waving the pen before he noticed the writing appearing on Wyvern's back as he walked away. "Oops!" Turning the correct way, Zool concentrated on his task...

 

* * *

 

Eventually she came upon a group of environmental soldiers. They were gruff-looking men, unshaven, unshowered, half educated, half paid, and disgruntled ready to pound some anti-environmental capitalist butt. When Sanda saw them, she was scared to her D-cups. They were in a clearing in a forest to gather resources to fight the anti-environmentalists, and they were fighting each other with sticks. She didn't realize right away that they were only practising, but still she didn't run. She felt began to feel strangely attracted to the big, hairy, smelly soldiers, and had a curious feeling something exciting was about to happen. All thoughts of her bunny fled her mind. She wanted to see more.

 

[Sweetcherrie]

Sweetcherrie shakes her head as she sees what the two have written so far.

 

“Breasts! Is that all you think about? That poor Sanda, let me help her out a bit.”

 

She took up one of little Sweet’s pen, and continued where Zool had left the story.

 

Sanda sat downapproached the men; showing off her luscious breasts. When she saw that they were practising she smiled, and leaned against a tree to watch the muscles tense on their half-naked bodies with each move. One of the men got hit on the head immediately as he turned to look at her, and she smiled at him. The man was a real hunk, almost as cute as Wyvern, but certainly not as handsome. Slowly his eyes turned away, and he fell to the floor.

 

Sanda ran over to him and kneeled next to him. “Oh my gosh! Are you alright?”

 

At the sight of her breasts the poor men fainted again, and Sanda sighed, she always had this effect on men somehow. Then a lizard…

 

…err…oh well, why not…

 

Then a lizard with a beard, a short red beard, who looked sort of friendly approached her, and Sanda gasped at his stunning gorgeousness. Money was sticking out from his pockets, and he radiated with power. Sanda decided that he must be Wyvern’s handsome, and gruesomely rich cousin or something, since he had all the same features as the Almost Dragon. She started panting a bit, and longed to be taught by him.

 

Sweetcherrie put the pen down. “There,” She said with a satisfied look and wiped her hands clean from pen stripes.