Expositus Foris

[silentangel]

A gentle sobbing could be heard coming from the direction of the bathroom. Slowly the door edged open, and a teenage girl emerged onto the landing. She had long brown wavy hair, and wore a blue gem stone around her neck. Wiping away the single tear that had tickled down her check, she put on a brave face and headed off to school. The girl’s name was Marina. Every morning was like this for her. It wasn't that she hated school. In fact she loved it, all the long words and numbers. It was the people that made her want to hide away and never be seen. They bullied her day in and day out, just because she acted and looked different to them. She would often be found hiding in the library, lost within the pages of a fantasy book. She had read each book two or three times and knew every title, and author. However when Marina walked into the fantasy section today, something didn't seem right. She scanned every book on the shelves, and found that at the end of the last row was a new book. Although it was new, it didn’t look like new books should. It was covered in a thick layer of dust, as if it hadn't been moved for centuries. Its cover was made of thick brown leather, worn and even torn in places. The pages were thick and crisp, with a slight yellow tint.

 

This book must have seen some better days, thought Marina.

 

Slowly and carefully she wiped her hand over the front of the book, revealing the title. It read, 'Expositus Foris'. She thought deep and hard. She knew the words were Latin, she had studied it for over two years, but who used Latin these days? Carefully she opened the book and turned its pages, studying each one closely as she went.

 

That’s odd

 

Marina flicked through the pages a second time. There were a few words on the first page but the rest of the pages where blank, without as much as a page number. Looking back at the first page, Marina read the words to herself. Even they didn't make sense. The words where a mixture of random Latin and English. She read the words out loud, hoping that in some way it might make some small amount of sense.

"Mundus, gens, beginging, domus and enter."

As she finished the last word there was a flash of bright light. Marina dropped the book and the pages started turning at great speed. A strange sound, almost like the mumbling of voices, could be heard coming from within the book. Suddenly, as quickly as it had started, it stopped. Marina looked at the book, unsure of what she had just witnessed. Before she had time to act there was a second flash, and Marina was gone. Now if anyone had cared to look at the book. They would have seen words slowly began to form on the blank pages.

'As the true one arrived...'

Marina pulled herself up and rubbed her eyes trying to regain her focus. She looked down at her feet, expecting to see the book. Instead she saw lush green grass. Her vision shot up and darted in all directions. Marina started to get very worried, instead of rows of books there were rows of trees reaching high into the sky. Shrubs and the most wonderful selection of wild flowers lined the floor. Weaving between the dense forest there was a small dirt track. Marina was scared. She didn't know where she was, let alone how she was going to get home. Slowly she took several deep breaths to calm her self down and took another look around. The dirt track seemed the only way out of the trees, and a strange force seemed to be drawing her towards it. As she headed down the track, the trees started to interlock over her creating a tunnel. Each branch moved smoothly into place, like a well oiled machine. Jumping at every sound and shadow, Marina followed the path for what seemed like hours. Eventually the path came to a brute stop in front of a wall of dense trees, with no passable way through. Despairing, Marina fell to the ground and started to sob into her hands. Any hope of getting home seemed smashed to pieces. Just then she heard a gentle voice.

"Enter my child."

Marina looked up just in time to see the trees fade away to reveal a beautiful stone carved city. Every wall had veins of ivy, dressing them in a wonderful emerald green. The city seemed so fresh and new, yet so full of knowledge. It seemed as if it had been carved from the very earth it stood on, and not by the hand of any mortal being. Taking a deep breath, Marina slowly rose and cautiously made her way into the city. Walking down what seemed to be the main street, she saw many eyes turn to watch her. People stopped there tasks to stare in her direction. She heard their low whispers but couldn’t make out the words. She felt like she was back in the school hall, with people whispering and giggling behind her back. Closing her eyes tight and hanging her head, Marina hoped desperately that the watchers would leave her alone.

"Stand tall and walk proud."

The voice came from just in front of Marina. Looking up, she could make out who the voice belonged to. Standing in front of her was a tall, fair haired man. His hair fell to just below his shoulders and he had a beard that covered his chin. The wrinkles upon his face gave her the impression that it was sagging. He was dressed in a long cream garment and holding a long staff. The staff seemed to be carved in a twisting design running from top to bottom. It fell to a smooth point and rose to a large knot. For some reason Marina felt as if she had seen him before, but she couldn't think where. Shyly she answered the mans statement.

"Were you speaking to me?"

The old mans smile was warm and friendly. Marina stood motionless, her gazed fixed on his face. She knew it was rude to stare but her eyes couldn't seem to leave their target. Courteously the man offered his hand to Marina.

"Would you like to follow me?"

For some reason Marina felt as if she could trust him. Despite all the warnings she had received about strangers she felt almost safe around him. Forcing a smile she took his hand.

"My names Mazroth. Glad to meet you again Marina."

 

Marin was taken into a large grand building, its face limited in decorations but holding a natural beauty from its veins of ivy. Marina was then led up several flights of stair and through a large oak door, its frame decorated with four runs of ivy twisting around each other. The door opened into a large bedroom. On her left was a huge four poster bed, the covers coloured in different shades of green. At the foot of the bed lay a large wooden chest engraved with a detailed forest scene. On her right was a normal looking wardrobe, with a small worn brass lock on the door. At the far end, flooding the room with a rush of light, were two large balcony doors. In front of these doors sat a cosy looking oak framed chair. Everything about the room had a warm and welcoming feel. Finally her gaze turned back to Mazroth. Before she could question him, he spoke again.

"Please make yourself at home. There is a gift for you in the chest. It will explain matters better then I ever could."

With that Mazroth left, leaving Marina alone in the room. Moving very slowly she made her way over to the chest. Carefully she lifted up the lid, surprised at how little effort it took for its size. Inside laid a neatly wrapped leather parcel tied together with a length of hemp. Lifting out the parcel and clutching it to her chest, she took it over to the bed. Placing it on her lap, she slowly undid the ties. When the string was removed the leather wrapping fell away revealing a neatly written letter and a small black book. Marina held the letter in her hands curiously. The paper was thick and had a yellowish tint to it. Marina turned the paper over several times before she started to read.

'Before I begin let me tell you who I am and who you are. I am your father, a high wizard. Your mother was an elf, the most wonderful and beautiful elf I had ever seen. When you were born there were difficulties and your mother sadly passed away. It was then that I first heard a prophecy concerning you. The prophecy told of a half breed that would return and save her world from evil, after finding out who she was. At the same time a great evil who went by the name of Ephron was trying to rule this world. He swore to destroy anything in his path. I decided to hide you, knowing that when the time came you would return. I sent you to the world know as earth with two rogues to care for you. Before I departed, I tied a gemstone around you neck. Ephron's forces grew and soon we had to hide our city. I left this letter as well as small self writing book with a dear friend of mine, and left the safety of the city to help with the battle. I do hope we will meet again, my dear daughter.

Let your heart stay pure. '

Marina's eyes were fixed to the letter as a single tear trickled down her cheek. She had always been teased, told she was different. Now she wasn't even human. Instead she was a half breed. She sat motionless on the bed as she thought about the situation. Slowly her expression lifted. True, her life was going to change, but maybe it would change for the better. Placing the small book in her pocket and clutching the gem around her neck, she rose from the bed and headed for the door. Before she could reach it a slim, blonde haired girl walked in. She was dressed in what seemed to be a maids uniform. It wasn't the traditional black and white that Marina always associated with maids, however. Instead it was coloured in natural, earthy tones. Her ears rose to smooth peaks beneath her hair. Her skin seemed to glow with radiant health. Addressing Marina she spoke.

"Master Mazroth wishes your presence in the great hall. Please follow me."

Marina followed the maid down the stairs and through several rooms. They stopped in a large, tall room. It was almost empty except for a few chairs stacked around the sides and a low raised stage at the far end. Standing in the centre of the room was Mazroth. Silently he nodded at the maid, who gave a small bow and left. After the maid departed there was a long awkward silence, Mazroth was the first to break it.

"I know you want answers, but I can't tell you more than you already know. If you'll follow me I will help equip you for your adventure."

Marina was just about to protest, but before she could speak Mazroth was moving off across the room. Deciding that protestations could wait she hurried off after him. They walked through several more rooms and ending up in a small, long room. Mazroth lit two lanterns hanging from the ceiling, the light they gave off revealing damp walls and bare shelves. With a quick flick of his wrist, Mazroth covered the room in a mist of shimmering powder. When the mist finally settled it seemed as if Marina was looking at a different room. Hanging on the walls were rows of swords of many different shapes and sizes. A pile of shields and belts laid in the corner, while jars and packets filled the shelves with not a space to spare. A large chest lay at the end of the room containing about ten or fifteen small draws. Mazroth wandered into the room muttering to himself. He rummaged around in the draws and on shelves, collecting items as he went along. When he reappeared he walked over to Marina, handing her items as he named or described them.

"A sword, because you'll never know when you might need it. A belt to carry it in. One box of magic for quick use. Ah and food, we can't have you starve to death. Can we?"

Marina looked at the equipment in her arms, then her eyes began to fill with tears again as she began to ramble.

"This has to be a dream. I find it hard to fit in as it is. You can't say my whole life so far has been a lie. I'm not meant to go out and be a hero, I don't even know how to fight. This has got to be a dream Soon I'll wake up and..."

Mazroth cut Marina off in a sharp voice.

"Don't be foolish. This is who you are and who you've always been. It's time for you to leave and discover your answers."

Marina stood motionless, unsure of how to react. In a way she was still hoping she would wake up in her warm bed. There was a small part of her, however, that was glad she had the chance to become something, a part that couldn't help feeling excited about the adventures in front of her.

 

 

 

(Please feel free to give me feedback)

[Wyvern]

A nice start to your story, silentangel. :-) I like the daydream-style high fantasy feel that you give to Marina's journey, as this chapter has an interesting unreal dream-like feel to it. My favorite moment in this first chapter is when the reactions of the townspeople in the fantasy city remind Marina of the manner that the highschool students teased her on Earth, as I found the parallel very intriguing. I also like the whole concept of the girl who feels out of place escaping to a realm of fantasy where she really belongs... makes me feel like you've found the right site to share your creativity at. ;-)

 

In terms of potential things to improve, there are parts of this where I feel like a bit more expansion and detail might help. For example, I'm really interested in learning how Marina was different from the other students, and how they teased her. Then again, if too much expansion is given, the story might lose it's dream-like "one event leads to another" feel, so take that with a grain of salt. Also, I think that the introductory paragraph of this tells details to the reader directly (i.e Marina's appearence, Marina's name, etc) while the rest of it is told more from Marina's perspective. You might consider introducing these details in a manner that fits the perspective of the rest of the piece, though there is a certain surreal quality of being told details from an outside voice.

 

Nice beginning, once again. Welcome to the Mighty Pen.

[silentangel]

Standing alone, Marina watched as the city disappeared behind its curtain of trees. Mazroth had not told her where to start, only that she would know when she got there. Curiously, Marina looked over the clothes that had been given to her. She was wearing plain trousers and a robin hood style top with three quarter length sleeves. The clothes were torn at the ends instead of cut. Tucking the gem stone inside her top, she took one last look around and began to head north.

 

After walking for about three miles through the lightly forested area, Marina heard what seemed to be metal hitting stone. Accompanying the sound was a loud, monstrous roar. Fearful of meeting whatever could make such a noise, Marina hid herself behind a small bush. After some time an eerie silence fell over the forest. Cautiously Marina emerged from her hiding place, listening carefully to make sure that whatever had made the noises had moved on. When she was certain she could hear nothing, she slowly began to make her way north again. Gradually the trees started to thin out and disappear. The ground changed from lush green grass to dust and rocks. Soon she found herself in a large clearing with several rocks and large boulders scattered about. There was a large cave at one end of the clearing, with a boulder half covering the mouth. From off to one side she heard a high pitched keening wail. Cautiously she looked about, trying to identify the source of the strange sound. A second wail occurred, and this time she could tell it was coming from behind a medium sized stone. Slowly she made her way over. As she peered round the side of the stone she spotted what seemed to be a large lizard. As she crept closer she could make out it was in fact a small dragon, no bigger then a labrador. Its scales were a light shade of green, blending into a darker green at the tips. They seemed to have a strange iridescent bluish tint to them. Around the dragon lay pieces of broken eggshell. Clearly this creature was only a hatchling. Slowly Marina walked up to the hatchling, and as she got closer it became clear that it was a male dragon. He looked up at Marina, his eyes seeming very scared and unsure. Stretching out her arm to stroke him on his forehead, Marina tried to make her voice sound reassuring.

 

"It's ok, I'm not gonna harm you."

 

As she was stroking the dragon she saw an image out of the corner of her eye. Turning sharply, she found herself facing an immense dragon head. Its eyes where wide open, glaring at her. The jaw was slightly dropped, revealing rows of sharp teeth, and the nostrils seemed wide and flared. Quickly Marina darted back, startled and scared by what she saw. The large dragon looked fierce and angry. When the dragon continued to do nothing but watch she began to feel puzzled. After a longer view, Marina noticed something was not quite right. Slowly moving forward, Marina started to examine the creature. Its eyes had seemed to have a glazed appearance, and there were several large puncture and slash wounds around its neck. Listening hard Marina noticed that there was no sound of its breathing. A wave of sadness suddenly washed over Marina as, slowly, she turned to face the young dragon again. This creature had only just hatched and already it had to face this unknown world alone. In a way, the baby dragon was much like herself. He too was alone to face worlds he knew nothing about, with no help or guidance along the way. Maybe she could befriend this creature. They could help each other, as well as getting to know and understand this world together. The only problem she had with her idea was she didn't know the first thing when it came to caring for a baby dragon.

 

Just as she thought this, Marina felt a strange pulsing coming from her back pocket, disrupting her train of thought. Reaching into her pocket she pulled out the small book and opened it. As she did so she saw the word 'Dragon' appear in bold writing at the top of the page. After a brief pause, words started to scroll across the page, as if being written by an invisible pen. As the words were written, Marina began to read.

 

When Dragons are born they rely on their mother for everything. From how to hunt for food to the basic lessons of life, baby dragons have to be taught everything by their mother, which is why all dragons have the same fiery temper. They eat large amounts of meat and root plants. If a hatching is left with out its mother it will surely die. As dragons.....

 

With that Marina closed the book not bothering to finish reading the words that were still forming. It was clear that she would have to try and care for this dragon, at least until she could find someone else who would be better at it. Stroking the baby dragon, she looked into his eyes.

 

"Well I suppose you better come with me little one. But you'll need a name."

 

Marina thought long and hard, but she had no idea what name to give to a dragon. She had named a rabbit before, but she didn't think you could call a dragon 'snowflake'. Marina shrugged her shoulders.

 

"I'm sorry boy, I don’t know what to call you... I'll tell you what, lets head off and I'll see what come to me."

 

As Marina walked off the baby dragon rose and followed close behind. Just as she was thinking how nice it was to have a companion, she heard a shout from behind her.

 

"Leave the hatchling be."

 

Marina looked around trying to find out where the owner of the voice was, when she heard it again.

 

"If you know what’s good for you, you'll leave him where he is."

 

Refusing to listen or respond to someone she couldn’t see, Marina started to walk off again. Just as she was about to leave the clearing a medium built creature stepped out and into her path. It was about five foot two in height, with an almost human appearance. It's skin was dark green with a rough looking texture. It's hair was matted and hung down its face in long, greasy locks. The creature held a large rusty sword across its chest and she could see what looked like a bow strapped across its back. Marina tried to walk past the creature, but every time she moved to one side so did the creature.

 

"Do you mind moving please?"

 

The creature stood motionless not responding to Marina's question.

 

"I don't know who you think you ...."

 

The creature cut Marina off, showing rows of sharp yellow teeth as it spoke.

 

"I am a Bestiasilva, and that baby dragon must stay here to die. We cant have it growing and causing trouble like the others."

 

Marina stood staring at the Bestiasilva. She knew what it was like to be picked on, and she wasn't going to watch as this creature picked on the dragon.

 

"Leave the dragon alone, and go pick on someone else."

 

Grinning from ear to ear, the Bestiasilva pointed his rusty sword at Marina. Without thinking Marina drew her own sword. Holding it with one hand she waved it around trying to look threatening. However she looked more like she was trying to swat a buzzing fly. Laughing, the Bestiasilva took one large swing, knocking Marina's sword from her hand and sending it flying. The Bestiasilva started to force Marina back with the point of his sword. Soon she found herself backed up against a large rock, with no way of escaping from the creature. Marina closed her eyes tight, not sure how she was going to escape with her life. Suddenly she felt a warm blast of air and the smell of something burning, followed by a scream of pain. Marina opened her eyes just in time to see the Bestiasilva running off into the forest, engulfed in flames. Lowering her vision she saw the baby dragon standing at her feet. He was wearing a large grin and a column of smoke issued from his nostrils. Marina smiled back at the dragon.

 

"I guess we're both outcasts and in a weird way that makes us friends."

 

Marina decided to call the dragon Amicus, latin for friend. As they were leaving the clearing, she stopped to look around. She had the feeling she was being watched. She tried scanning the line of trees, but she saw nothing. The bushes where still and no unusual sounds could be heard, so she decided to carry on walking.

 

The two of them travelled for sometime, and soon it began to get dark. Looking up Marina saw the first star of the night, pushing its way through the forming clouds. It made her think of home, and of the people who took care of her. In a strange way though, she didn’t miss earth. She had already made a friend here, and felt like she had more confidence. Upon seeing the star, Marina and Amicus decided to settle down before the night really started to draw in. Colleting some firewood, Marina made a small campfire and lay down beside it on the soft grass. As the night drew on the temperature dropped and the small campfire was unable to keep her warm. Marina lay on the ground, shivering. Trying to keep warm she curled up as tight as she could, but it was no good. The night air continued to nip at her, and her fingers began to feel numb. After a few minutes, however, Marina was surprised to feel her temperature start to rise. Looking behind her Marina saw that Amicus had curled up behind her, using his body heat like a radiator to warm her up. Soon she found her self drifting into the land of dreams.

 

It was still dark when Marina awoke. The dawn had not yet broken, and there was a light mist starting to set in. In this dim light the forest seemed somehow thicker, the trees taking on an eerie atmosphere. Noticing that the small campfire was struggling to stay alight, Marina moved to collect some more wood for it. It wasn't until she moved that she realised how much colder it had gotten. The chill bit at every inch of her body. Soon, however, the fire was burning strong again. Marina stretched out her arms, trying to draw in the heat through her hands. Looking around, Marina stared to think. It could be days, weeks or even months before she found a clue, let alone the full answer, to who she was. Aside from this, she didn’t know where to start or where to head next.

 

Just then the blue gemstone around Marina's neck started to glow and pulse. Quickly she clutched her hand around the gem stone. The last thing she wanted was for the glow to attract any creatures. Suddenly Marina's vision of the landscape started to blur and lose focus. An unknown force seemed to be pushing against her chest, forcing her backwards. After sometime her vision cleared, but the scene she was looking at was different to before. Frantically Marina looked around, trying to get her bearings. There were lots of people rushing all around her, talking and laughing loudly. No one seemed to be paying her any attention, or even seem to notice her at all. Then she noticed a group of three people, one holding a bundle, standing some feet away . There seemed to be nothing special about these people, but for some reason they caught her eye and kept it. Two of them were wearing green shirts with long jagged edges, finishing about an inch or two below the waist. They also wore plain straight cut trousers and cloth boots, tied around the ankle with a length of string. The other person wore a long cream garment, looking very much like a dress, which flowed right down to the floor.

 

Walking closer Marina noticed that the man in cream was very similar to Mazroth, so she believed him to be a wizard as well. Standing a few steps away, she was able to see what was happening. None of the group seemed to react to her presence, it was as if she wasn't even there. The wizard leant forward and tied something around the bundle. When she straightened up again, Marina notice that the bundle was in fact a tiny baby. With a jolt of pure shook Marina leapt back. That wasn’t just any baby, it was her!

 

Looking at the faces of the two holding the baby, Marina recognized them. They were the Rougues, who had taken her to earth and cared for her as there own. Marina's eyes then stared at the wizard.

 

That could only mean one thing, she thought.

That is my father.

 

The wizard stepped back as the Rougues took baby Marina and headed into the forest. After a moment of silence the wizard started off in the same direction the Rougues had headed.

 

"Don't forget you magic Marina. Always remember you’re my daughter."

 

Marina felt her eyes begin to fill. At the same time her vision became blurred and lost its focus again. She felt the same force as before, however this time it was pulling her forward. When Marina's vision cleared again she was back next to the campfire, with Amicus still sleeping soundly. Wiping the tears away on her arm, Marina sat down next to Amicus. This journey was going to be harder then she first thought. It would take all her strength, emotion and courage to see her through.

 

 

PLEASE leave feedback

[Quincunx]

Hrhm. There's a thread of mine in the Critics' Corner covering the meanings of "show, don't tell" which I need to apply to this story, but only initiates and up are allowed to view that forum. Anyway, it's a thread about writing style--I see no problems with the flow of the story, the pacing, the grammar, the characterizations--and if posting chapter two, instead of one, was not a typo, I'll give you ten extra brownie points for wisdom. Jumping into the midst of action is good enough to serve as a first chapter, and the existing chapter one can become a prologue, optional reading.

[Patrick]

As Wyvern had already said, this is a quite interesting start to your story. I particularly liked the part when the new world she found herself in was compared to the library, with rows of books or trees.

 

Your profile did not state how you liked your feedback, but at the end of the post you did ask for some, so I hope you don't mind if I offer a few corrections. I noticed a few typos, possibly spelling mistakes.

 

Wiping away the single tear that had tickled trickled down her check cheek

They would have seen words slowly began begin to form on the blank pages.

People stopped there their tasks to stare in her direction.

The old mans man's smile was warm and friendly.

To me it also felt as though the part where she travelled between where she had arrived in this world and the part where she arrived in the city could have taken a bit longer, with more descriptions.

 

But apart from that I found the story to be quite interesting so far. *goes off to read chapter two*

[Patrick]

The story starts to get more and more interesting. I thought that a bit more descriptions could have been given as to the motives of the Bestiasilva for wanting to kill the baby dragon, and also to me the arrival of the flashback/memory scene was a bit sudden. I noticed another minor typo:

 

Colleting collecting some firewood

Eagerly awaiting the next chapter.

[silentangel]

Thanks the feedback is really helpping

[silentangel]

Chapter one was posted before. Im posting each chapter as i finish it.

[Wyvern]

I once again like the magical details of this story, silentangel. :-) The baby dragon radiating Marina at night is an example of one such a detail that stood out to me. Just like the first chapter, I like how you drew a connection from the fantasy realm to Marina's normal life, with Marina's relating to the baby dragon as an outcast and her indecisiveness in naming him.

 

One thing you might consider sharpening is Marina's emotions in the text, as the chapter currently reads to me like a series of factual events. You do provide Marina's feelings at certain points, but they feel distant in the narrative, and you might want to draw us closer to her by showing us more of her impressions. Also, on a lesser note, you may want to italicize the words that appear in Marina's magical book to make the text of the book clear to the reader.

 

On an organizational side-note: this story might be easier for Pen readers to follow if it were converted to one thread, rather than seperated into different threads for different chapters. If you'd like, I'd be happy to shift this thread and its responses into your first "expositus foris" thread, and you could continue the story by adding new chapters as responses to that thread.

 

Thanks for sharing this. :-)

[silentangel]

Yeah thanks that would be cool:D

 

Edit: Chapters now merged into one thread and retitled. Wyv~

Edited April 21, 2006 by Wyvern

[silentangel]

Any help on how to get over writers block. ive started on the next chapter and i know what i sorta wanna do in it but I'm stuck on how to put it on paper HELP

[Sweetcherrie]

Get a hammer?

 

I think there are two ways to beat what they call writer's block (in my experience at least )

 

One: Take some distance, write other stuff, or don't write anything and just let the story brew in your head.

 

Two: Just keep going, even if it may be less good at the moment, you can always come back to it later and rewrite the parts that you think need repairing.

 

Personally I always found the second to work best, but I've been overly busy lately with other things, and was forced to step away from writing for a bit, and now feel that I look forward to going back to it.

 

Not sure if this helps

 

About the story...I think other people have said what there was to say.

I like what you have so far, and would love to read more