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[reverie]

Hello.

 

I have been described as punctuation inhibited. This bothers me, but I can't deny it.

Anyway, if anyone has a free moment and can scan my Assignment 18 poem in the Workshop for grammer/spelling/punctuation errors, I'd really appreciate it. Also feel free to make any other comments. Frankless is always welcome.

 

Assignment 18

 

thanks lots,

 

rev...

Edited March 31, 2006 by reverie

[Wyvern]

reverie,

 

Before trying to answer to your call for grammar, I just want to note that there are certain poems that work better without it, and that a strict adherence to grammar is not a necessity of every poem. Of course, if an author decides not to include grammar in their poetry, there should be a reason behind it, be it an underlying theme or a specific tone they want to convey. Just wanted to throw that comment out there to say that none of the following rules are set in stone.

 

First grammatical point for your poem: the beginning of a line should not be capitalized unless it starts a new sentence in a poem, or is done for a specific artistic purpose. This detail can be rather annoying since, in Microsoft Word, indenting lines automatically turns the first to a capital, and you have go back to turn them lowercase. So, to quote the first stanza of your poem:

 

Brother, today, I am as old as you were

The day he killed you.

I look into the mirror

And am bothered.

My hairseems too straight, too black—too alive

And I remember the tangles of your thick brown hair

And how the coroner had to shear off what was left

In a vain attempt to count the blows

Of that pistol’s impact – seventeen, probably more.

... can be adjusted to...

 

Brother, today, I am as old as you were

the day he killed you.

I look into the mirror

and am bothered.

My hair seems too straight, too black—too alive

and I remember the tangles of your thick brown hair

and how the coroner had to shear off what was left

in a vain attempt to count the blows

of that pistol’s impact – seventeen, probably more.

 

Second grammatical point for the poem: when reading through your poem, ignore the line breaks for a moment and base the pauses on the sentence structure of the work, as you would prose. Line breaks often do create a pausing effect and add to the poem, but there are instances where you might feel that more grammatical punctuation is needed to steady the rhythm. One potential example of this might be the second stanza of the poem:

 

My cheeks look too full

And my small scars too well hid

The morticians tried to rebuild your face

But that caved in temple,

Shattered left cheekbone,

And broken eye socket

Refused to fill despite the ample applications of wax.

 

Grammatically speaking, this stanza reads as one long run-on sentence. This might be an effect you wish to give to the reader, with everything rushing by speedily as the memories of the accident surface. However, the lack of breaks can be confusing when read as a whole (think "And my scars too well hid the morticians tried to rebuild your face"), and you might want to offer more punctuation for a smoother read. Here's an example of one potential approach:

 

My cheeks look too full

and my small scars too well hid.

The morticians tried to rebuild your face,

but that caved in temple,

shattered left cheekbone

and broken eye socket

refused to fill despite the ample applications of wax.

 

On a non-grammatical note, you may consider dropping "ample applications of" from the final line of this stanza, as it seems a bit wordy and doesn't really add to the meaning of the line. Similar can be said for "And am bothered" in the first stanza, which might be dropped since the bother is shown to the reader in the next line.

 

Anyway, these are just a few grammatical points to a much larger work, but I hope they help some. :-) For the record, I really like the direction that your poetry has developed in, and definitely feel that it has more of a focus now. I really enjoyed this poem, and hope that your class does as well.

 

Happy Birthday, by the way, :-)

Wyv~

[Quincunx]

re: second stanza.

 

Three items in a series can be separated by either one or two commas, as the comma before "and" is optional. Both ways are correct.

 

. . .But that caved in temple,

Shattered left cheekbone,

And broken eye socket. . .

 

OR

 

. . .But that caved in temple,

Shattered left cheekbone

And broken eye socket. . .

 

Since revery originally used two commas, I'd be inclined to leave it that way.

[Katzaniel]

This is really good. I'm going to leave my comments almost exclusively to grammar/punctuation, but I should mention that the poem itself is, in my opinion at least, very good.

 

Brother, today, I am as old as you were

 

Extra comma, in my opinion. I think it works better without a pause after "today": "Brother, today I am as old as you were..."

 

My hairseems too straight, too black—too alive

 

Just a typo, but I thought I should mention it. "My hair seems"

 

And how the coroner had to shear off what was left

 

This reads awkwardly. I don't know why, but I think it would work better as "had to shear off the remainder" or even "shear away". The "what was left" just throws me, though again, I can't say why.

 

And my small scars too well hid

 

My instinct says that you want a dash here, "well-hid" or perhaps just "well hidden". Can anyone else tell me whether this instinct has any basis in actual grammatical rules?

 

But that caved in temple,

Shattered left cheekbone,

And broken eye socket

Refused to fill despite the ample applications of wax.

 

I actually like the "ample applications" bit, unless you do change the whole sentence around as Quincunx suggested. Anyway, if you do keep as is, you might want to consider a comma after "fill". (Remember, the simplest way to think of whether or not you want a comma is by thinking whether or not you want a pause there). You might not, but I think it reads better with one.

 

Your skin was lighter than mine

Some said you could pass for an Italian

While others thought me an islander or Hispanic

 

Non-grammatical - but this part confuses me. Does it matter that these are different people who thought this? Because that fact makes a comparision difficult, makes it easy to accidentally read "others thought you" the first time and then have to reread it to figure out the meaning.

 

Today, I am as old as you

That day you died

And I cringe to I think

That I’ve caught up with you

Only to leave you behind

 

I really like this part. Though I agree with Quincunx's suggestions (those, as well as Wyvern's, mainly seem very good, so I'm trying to ignore things they've already said) I think it ends it very nicely.

[Gwaihir]

I personally tend to prefer capitalized first letters of lines but I admit that it's old fashioned. Really I am not up to deep feed back right now but as someone (else?) who's lost a brother I just want to say that I love this.