Untitled

[Curious Mylo]

Hiding in the darkness

Way too scared to move

I can't see what's around me

But maybe I don't want to

For all I know the door is here

But it could be gone by miles

I don't know what's beside me

If there's anything at all

I can't tell who is with me

If there's anyone here anyways

 

I want to move but can't

What if something breaks

What if I'm standing by the door

What if I'm alone

I don't like alone

But no matter who is with me, I'm alone

 

I want to scream but can't

How loud would it echo

Or who would yell at me

 

I should just move

Go really fast

See what happens

But I don't want to break anything

 

I need to find the door

I need some kind of light

And if I get there I'll be out

But if I break things on the way out

I don't want to look back

Not to see all I broke

How could I fix it?

Especially all on my own

 

What would happen if I closed my eyes

And see where I go

Maybe to the way out

But maybe deeper in the darkness

Maybe darker in the darker

How will I know?

I won't, not if I don't try

How can I know my limits

If I never test them

If I never take a chance

Hopefully soon I'll let go

Of everything I can't yet

So then I can find my way out

To start to fix the unknown

The unknown broken-ness

[Wyvern]

Interesting poem, Broken Inside. I really like how you strung the fear of breaking things throughout the poem, only to reveal that the narrator already feels an unknown "broken-ness" at the end. Fear seemed to be a very pertinent element of the poem, and I like how you conveyed it through the third stanza about screaming. The pairing of echoes and yelling back seemed to strike a chord with me.

 

The tone and language of this poem strike me as a bit confused, as at times it felt like you were aiming for something casual and conversational (ex: "If there's anyone here anyways," "Way too scared to move") while at others it felt more formal to me (ex: "how can I know my limits/ if I never test them," "the unknown broken-ness"). You might consider choosing one of these approaches and stringing the language of that approach throughout the poem for more consistancy. Also, while I liked the manner that you repeated the fear of breaking things throughout the poem, be careful to not repeat ideas and to offer something new to the reader with each repetition. For example, the repetition of breaking things works well in the fifth stanza, as we're offered the new idea that the narrator doesn't want to look back on all that he's broke. On the other hand, in the fourth stanza, the line "But I don't want to break anything" doesn't work as effectively, as it just repeats the idea that the narrator is afraid of breaking things, which the reader already knows from the second stanza ("What if something breaks").

 

Anyway, thanks for sharing this. :-) I hope these comments help.