Untitled dorkiness

NightFae · March 23, 2006

She sat there, quietly

But knew she's never last

She wished the girl would smile

And hoped she'd make it fast

She knew she would last longer

She knew she was the best

But this girl was competition

...Hey, wait a minute..."YES!"

For the girl had smiled

And she had won the match

She had cracked a smile

She thought she wouldn't catch

But then the girl had realized

She had not really won

She was looking in the mirror

And beat her reflection

She always hated competitions

Involving only her

Not winning doesn't bother her...

It's the losing that really hurts.

Edited March 25, 2006 by NightFae

Quincunx · March 24, 2006

I flip through the poems rapidly on the first pass, and on this one, the final couplet jumped out, not just for its strength but for the unusually short line above it which isolates it visually. That's probably a coincedence, but keep it handy!

On the second, more thoughtful read:

"She had cracked a smile

She thought she wouldn't catch. . ."

This is the only confusing couplet, so ambiguous that I hesitate to post alternative, more distinct options. The words "the other" featured in some of them, and one just added a comma to the end of the first line and pointed both beginning "She"s back at the subject of the poem.

"And beat her reflection"

This line's meter clashes with the rest of the poem. Knowing that it must end with "reflection", you could try to weight the rest of the line properly, with a strong starting syllable--yes, it's contrary to the ending lines of the other verses, but the ending lines of the other verses end on a strong syllable where this one cannot. Perhaps "She beat her own reflection"?

NightFae · March 25, 2006

She sat there, quietly

But knew she'd never last