Look for the girl...

[NightFae]

You see that field? Yes. That one over there. If you were to come out, at around 10 o’clock, you would see...Her. That dear, sweet girl, is proof that not all romance stories have happy endings. You see, it was about 50 years ago... And she was the most beautiful girl around. Almost. She was the most talented, graceful, creative girl in the entire town. Almost. It drove her nuts that all she would ever be was almost. Well, she was in love. So very much in love with the richest boy in the area. Every night, she would drive by his house, stop, and watch, never stepping foot out of her car. Well, one night, she stopped in his driveway, parked away from the house and crawled in the back seat, to get a closer look. So many people were there, it seemed, and she was naturally curious. But she would never go to the house, for she wasn’t sure if he loved her, too. Or if he even knew she existed. For who pays attention to a girl that is only second best? She sat there, in the back seat of her car and watched the open doorway. All of a sudden, a figure stopped and looked out at her car. As it started down the stairs, she realized that he was too tall, too chubby to be her love, and wondered, as he walked towards her, if she should try and get back into the front seat and drive off, before he got there. Should she have? Could she have? She didn’t think so and she didn’t want to seem like a fool for trying, so she just sat there. When the figure reached her car and opened the door, she could see that he was an older man, but not weak at all. He asked what she was doing there, to which she growled at him to get in the car. He looked around and hesitated a bit, but eventually got in. She grabbed her flashlight and quickly, yet quietly, shut the door, as she didn’t want anyone ELSE in the house to know she was there. She shined the flashlight in the man’s eyes. “Where is he?” she asked. “Where is he?” she repeated. The man scooted away from the light, as though he were afraid of it. Or her. “He’s getting married, ma’am!” he said. She, for a brief moment, thought he was joking, as, when she looked at her watch, she saw that it was a quarter after 9. Who in their right mind would get married so late? But, as she looked at the house, and into the man’s eyes, she could see that he was not, in fact, kidding her. She looked back at the open doorway and saw three figures. One, she knew was her dear loved one. The second...Was his bride. The third...She didn’t even care who the third was. She slid across the seat, opened the door and got out, slamming it shut. She then ran into that field. Yes, that field right there and slashed her throat, killing herself. It was exactly 10 o’clock at night when she took her last breath. So come, I dare you. Bring your loved one. Your girlfriend...Wife...Fiancé...Lover. Bring them to this field and watch the stars. But, at 10 o’clock, look for the girl...With the bloody neck. And run.

Edited March 21, 2006 by NightFae

[Wyvern]

Nice dream narrative, Nightfae. :-) The chain of events leading up to the girl's death definitely had a surreal dreamlike quality to it, particularly with the stranger entering the car and the wedding taking place at night. The short sentence style of the piece seemed to work well, and I liked how you drew the story to a close. I also liked some of the details you used throughout this, though I'm very curious to learn more about how the girl died after seeing that her spectre has a broken neck. The absence of the suicide itself felt like a tiny gap in the story for me, and you might consider adding a sentence or two about that.

 

Anyway, thanks for sharing this.

[Sweetcherrie]

Hmm...if we look at the technical aspects of this piece I do agree with Wyvern that some things could be worked out further.

 

However, it feels as if you've simply written down your dream, and stayed true to what you remembered of your dream.

 

Thank you for sharing

[NightFae]

Meh. The last bit was added just for the dramatic effect, but I added just a bit and changed the last line.

Hope it looks better, technically.

I was actually kind of curious, myself how it would've worked...But it sure sounded good.

Anywho...As I said, hope this looks, sounds, and just...Well...Is better.

 

Edit-like goodness:I also added a bit, closer to the beginning, as, when Ayshela read through it, she pointed out that it was a bit odd, this girl being in the backseat of her car, without my giving good reason as to why she should be there.

And wow, I'm sounding intelligent. Sort of.

Edited March 21, 2006 by NightFae

[Ayshela]

i think it would read a bit easier if you were to go back and format it a bit. One long chunk of text is harder to read than paragraphs with white space between.

 

Oh, and when you edit - please post it as a separate follow-up post. It's much easier to offer feedback when the changes can be tracked from one post to another so we can see what worked better in each version. It's also easier to know when something's been edited and updated if it's done in a separate post, because edits don't bump a topic where a new post does. =)

[NightFae]

You see that field? Yes. That one over there. If you were to come out, at around 10 o’clock, you would see...Her.

 

That dear, sweet girl, is proof that not all romance stories have happy endings. You see, it was about 50 years ago... And she was the most beautiful girl around. Almost. She was the most talented, graceful, creative girl in the entire town. Almost. It drove her nuts that all she would ever be was almost. Well, she was in love. So very much in love with the richest boy in the area. Every night, she would drive by his house, stop, and watch, never stepping foot out of her car. Well, one night, she stopped in his driveway, parked away from the house and crawled in the back seat, to get a closer look. So many people were there, it seemed, and she was naturally curious. But she would never go to the house, for she wasn’t sure if he loved her, too. Or if he even knew she existed. For who pays attention to a girl that is only second best? She sat there, in the back seat of her car and watched the open doorway.

All of a sudden, a figure stopped and looked out at her car. As it started down the stairs, she realized that he was too tall, too chubby to be her love, and wondered, as he walked towards her, if she should try and get back into the front seat and drive off, before he got there.

Should she have?

Could she have?

She didn’t think so and she didn’t want to seem like a fool for trying, so she just sat there. When the figure reached her car and opened the door, she could see that he was an older man, but not weak at all. He asked what she was doing there, to which she growled at him to get in the car. He looked around and hesitated a bit, but eventually got in. She grabbed her flashlight and quickly, yet quietly, shut the door, as she didn’t want anyone ELSE in the house to know she was there. She shined the flashlight in the man’s eyes. “Where is he?” she asked. “Where is he?” she repeated. The man scooted away from the light, as though he were afraid of it. Or her. “He’s getting married, ma’am!” he said.

She, for a brief moment, thought he was joking, as, when she looked at her watch, she saw that it was a quarter after 9. Who in their right mind would get married so late? But, as she looked at the house, and into the man’s eyes, she could see that he was not, in fact, kidding her. She looked back at the open doorway and saw three figures.

One, she knew was her dear loved one.

The second...Was his bride.

The third...She didn’t even care who the third was. She slid across the seat, opened the door and got out, slamming it shut. She then ran into that field. Yes, that field right there and slashed her throat, killing herself. It was exactly 10 o’clock at night when she took her last breath.

 

So come, I dare you. Bring your loved one. Your girlfriend...Wife...Fiancé...Lover. Bring them to this field and watch the stars. But, at 10 o’clock, look for the girl...With the bloody neck. And run.

Edited March 31, 2006 by NightFae