yochva Posted March 1, 2006 Report Posted March 1, 2006 (edited) Umm... it needs some work... it's very sappy and cliche... and it's to a tune that's not very well know, so I can't give it to you... but I like it, and I'd like some or all or any of you to help me work on it please! ^___^ After I get some comments I'll tell you my views and we can wrangle over it, ok? I hope... You can make up your own tune to sing it, verse tunes go as follows: A B instrumental A B instrumental C C ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOGETHER If all the world had a cost It wouldn't be worth you And all the things found in my life Do not have your value You see, for I am not complete If I do not have you And until you come back to me There's nothing I can do <Instrumental> Inside of me resides a part Of what belongs to you But it cannot mean anything If you are not there too Apart, we are just drifting leaves Without need to remain Together we can forge a path To come close again Together, together If we come together Much can be undone <Short instrumental> Together, together If we come together Our lives will be one ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wrote it when I was supposed to be writing an essay... ^__^;;; EDIT: I just realized that a word was missing from line 2.2. Sorry if that confused you! EDIT2: Fixed the error in line 2.3. Grrr... Edited March 1, 2006 by Evangeline
Vlad Posted March 1, 2006 Report Posted March 1, 2006 Can't comment on the content, because it would be hard to be impartial on it. One thing that stuck out was that some of the stanzas had rhymes, some had near or imperfect rhymes, and one had a false or eye rhyme. I wasn't sure where the focus was supposed to go with such an irregular pattern. It could help convey the feeling of the poem, and if that was your intent you did it well, but I would aim for a tad more structure.
yochva Posted March 1, 2006 Author Report Posted March 1, 2006 Second and fourth lines of each poem are supposed to rhyme, it's only coincidence that three out of four stanzas are "you" rhymes, and the "remain/again" rhyme was a stretch, I admit that readily. That whole verse is one that needs work. Does anyone have specific suggestions? And I realized that there are other typos in the song that aren't supposed to be there. "And until you come back to be" is supposed to be "...back to me." That's annoying. Fixed now.
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