In Dreams

[Finnius]

There is a pale reflection,

In the mirror of my life,

Spider-cracking multiples,

Unending halls of knives;

 

In dreams my mind can wander,

Through the hallways of release,

In dreams I can take sustenance,

In dreams I can take peace.

 

In dreams I can forget myself,

Forget the passing days,

Forget that I am who I am,

In many varied ways.

 

In dreams I am alive again,

My days don't feel like rain,

My nights feel so much better,

Than the constant dull refrains.

 

Is living daylight just a farse?

The world a box and we inside?

My hope says yes, says life's a screen,

That life is only how we hide.

 

In dreams I feel the wind again,

In dreams life isn't fake,

In dreams I know whole-heartedly,

That harder hearts than mine can break.

 

In dreams a thought's an action,

In dreams a wish a deed,

In dreams I can remember,

What other people need.

 

In dreams the world is right-side up,

In dreams the dreaming never ends,

In dreams I'm not a coward,

In dreams I see my fading friends.

 

In dreams I never did let go,

In dreams I never went away,

Instead I held on til tomorrow,

In dreams the morning turned to day.

 

In dreams this poem doesn't end,

It spills out prose, goes on and on,

In night-time wish the twilight peace,

Never has to meet the dawn.

 

I love the world, I love the light,

I love the sun and clouds.

I love a girl, I love my friends,

In dreams I can be proud.

 

But if my plans should fail complete,

If all my plots and wants and schemes,

And if I die before I wake,

I'll see you in my dreams.

[Wyvern]

Very good poem, Finnius. :-) The sad tone that you set through the juxtaposition of the dream fantasies with the reality of life works well, particularly since the fantasies are so humble and down to Earth. I particularly liked the reference to days as "constant dull refrains" in the fourth stanza, as it drove across the mood well. I also found the ending of the poem very strong, as there's a certain feel of underlying love and perhaps even a hint of hope in the line "I'll see you in my dreams."

 

I thought that the repetition of "In dreams" got a bit redundant in the eighth stanza, though I do like the use of it in the sixth and seventh stanzas. There were also one or two points where I thought that the lines felt a bit forced by the rhyme scheme, "in many varied ways" in the third stanza being a prime example.

 

Well done, once again. :-) Thanks for sharing your poem Finnius!

[Katzaniel]

I agree with Wyvern: The "In dreams" bit started out re-enforcing the theme, but got tiring after a few stanzas. If I were you, and if I felt inclined to do some rewriting of this, I would try to find a way to say it less often nearer the end.

 

I really like some of the lines in this poem, particularly the first and last stanzas. The last stanza is very different from the rest, but I really liked how you ended it.

 

I think that the rhythm could stand some looking at, but not at the cost of those great lines. In my opinion, minor changes like (2nd stanza) "In dreams I can take peace" to "In dreams I take my peace" would help the flow of it. I don't have the vocabulary at hand to explain why, but I think it's something to do with what Alaeha and Cerulean were describing here. (Link available to QB+ only, sorry!)

 

Anyway, this is a roundabout way to say that I liked it, because I rarely bother critiquing (sp?) something that I didn't.