Regel Posted February 22, 2006 Report Posted February 22, 2006 (edited) I stood alone Differences I did wear, Excluded but not deluded, I knew that life's not fair. Bigger than most, Why was I despised? Defiance in my manner, Moisture welling in my eyes. The outcast I was Tormentors at my heels Flight or fight my choices Thank God I had good wheels. So when I see another Isolated, feeling prone I cast to them a smile So they know they're not alone. Edited February 25, 2006 by Regel
Sweetcherrie Posted February 22, 2006 Report Posted February 22, 2006 and if everybody would grant the person next to him that simple smile for free.....the world would be smiling
Parmenion Posted February 24, 2006 Report Posted February 24, 2006 (edited) Not a chance that I could resist replying to this gem of a poem It reminds me of the big old softie that smaller bullies would pick on at school. I really enjoyed this imagery: Bigger than most, Why was I despised? Defiance in my manner, Moisture welling in my eyes. I am sure many know that feeling of the hard lump in the throat preventing speech as moisture wells unbidden threatening to spill out in tears. Well captured. Flight or fight my choices Thank God I had good wheels. I really liked the use of the 2 F's followed by the 2 G's. I felt it gave this stanza a great flow to it and helped hammer home the imagery to the reader with the use of very similar spelt words used in such a tight meant context. Brilliant So when I see another Isolated and feeling prone I cast them a smile So they know they're not alone. The only criticism I have of this poem is completely minor and totally pedantic, so please dont think for a second I felt it marred the poem in any way - coz y'know i loved it I would maybe suggest writing the third line as: I cast to them a smile I only Italicise to to show the added word. The reason I would include it is because i feel the line needs an extra syllable for flow to help balance its counterpart in line 1. I might also for the second line of that stanza use: Isolated, feeling prone, Reduces the syllable count making for easier flow by fleshing out the next line with the "to" insertion. Just a thought. Very much enjoyed the read - good work! Edited February 24, 2006 by Parmenion
Regel Posted February 25, 2006 Author Report Posted February 25, 2006 Thanks for the suggestions Parmenion. I have edited the poem accordingly.
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