serenesandiego Posted January 21, 2006 Report Posted January 21, 2006 Happen In my heart of insecurity, I find that love lies there. But in your masculinity, I see that you don't care. Longing for simplicity, longing for someone to long for me, hiding behind a summer fling, a place of which to flee. Confusion fogs my heart and mind. I don't know what to think or feel. Just cooking up these mindless rhymes. Maybe someday it'll be real. But behind your egotistical self, I see truth hidden in the lies. It gives way to a whole new feeling. With your fishing line, it's me you're reeling, and I can't take this lack of healing of the pain you caused before. It still affects my inner core, my trust in others, now. It affects my self-control. It affects my loving soul. Here I am with a choice at hand. I know what I have to do. I have to finish strong to the finish line. I have to see it through. But what will happen when it ends? Will your kindled fire still burn? What will happen when I come back? Will there be anything that you've learned? Will you have grown? Will you have changed? Will you have experienced joy and pain? Will you have triumphed? Will you have lost? Will there be anything meaningful you've gained? From this experience there must be faith. With this separation, there must be trust. For all of time will my heart be stained with this feeling of love and lust? We have been broken. We have been burnt. We have been abandoned. We have been cursed. But it shall end when God shines His light into a world of new happiness and life. And we will live without regrets, and we will know how the story ends.
Wyvern Posted January 27, 2006 Report Posted January 27, 2006 A nice poem, serenesandiego. :-) I really like the relationship established between the narrator and his/her significant other, as the sense of insecurity and confusion that it generates is good. I also like the way the narrator admits weakness through the metaphor of being reeled in. The use of repetition in the lines "Longing for simplicity,/ longing for someone to long for me" is also nice, and drives across a sense of longing in the poem. In terms of potential things to improve: while the narrator's turn to faith at the end of the piece is strong, I didn't like the last two stanzas, which struck me as more general and vague than the rest of the piece. I had a similar problem with the fourth stanza, and felt it might be stronger if the questions were implicit to the reader rather than being stated by the narrator. Finally, there were times where I felt the rhyme scheme of the poem resulted in some awkward phrasing, and you might consider reworking it. Thanks for sharing this here. :-) Welcome to the Mighty Pen! :-)
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