Top Rating

[Aardvark]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, Boys and Girls from across the Solar System, we're coming to you LIVE from the Io Orbital Gravity Labs for this round in the universe's favourite gameshow, BLOODBALL FREE FOR ALL!!! And now, here's your host, Mister Fredrick "Fantastic" Farcourt!!!

 

"Thanks Tom, it is a pleasure as always and let me tell you people tuning in at home, this will prove to be one exciting episode. Fourteen handpicked warriors will go into this structure, only one will emerge the victor. The rules are simple. One ball, one goal. Score a goal, you get a point. Highest score at the end of the round will be the winner!!! Sounds simple enough, so let's take a look at the location!"

 

On screens around the solar system, a simulation of the structure appeared.

 

"This twisting, winding structure is one of the last remnants of the Grav-O-Tronics corporation, a young start up company that thought they could create a viable and efficient new system of artificial gravity. Of course, they did tread on a few toes and refuse a few lucrative offers and were wiped off the face of the galaxy. But business is business and they did manage to leave this wonderful structure. Of course, our technicians have been in to tweak it around a little for the game, but all in the name of entertainment. Hazards our players should watch out for:"

 

A floating view of the complex stops and zooms in on some bloody jagged metal spikes attached to one wall.

 

"What game of BLOODBALL would be complete without some jagged metal spikes. We know what you love, people at home, and we're prepared to give you plenty of it!"

 

The floating view continues down the corridor, stopping over a wooden crate.

 

"And of course, we have our standard weapon caches, let's see what our players will have to look forward to tonight!"

 

A robotic claw pulls the lid off the crate, revealing a cache of metal spheres.

 

"OHH, LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE!! The X-42 Mk 3 Thermal Bomb! These babies can quite literally melt through steel and that's before detonation!! Our players are sure to have fun with these!! But these are but trivial additions to a wonderful structure, ladies and gentlemen."

 

The view zooms in on a white pad with a red X on one wall

 

"YES!! THE RED ECKSES ARE BACK!! You asked for them, so we delivered, the infamous BLOODBALL RED ECKS! But what do they do? Electrified crush pads? Are they springloaded launchers? Will they unleash screaming temporal doom upon the hapless victim? Who knows! It's all one big surprise after another, here on BLOODBALL!!! And now, time to meet our players"

 

The view flicks to a darkened room, Shadowy figures can barely be seen on pedestals.

 

"We'll start tonight with our regulation Convicted Criminals! These wretched souls were sentenced to do hard time for their various infractions and have been thrown into the game to teach them some moral values and common decency"

 

Four pedestals light up. One reveals a large brutish man with numerous cuts and scars all over his body. His left ear is missing. Another reveals a timid looking middle aged man, sweating profusely. The third reveals a muscular woman with cropped black hair and glowing green eyes. The final pedestal reveals a mismatched form. Patches of off-colour skin cover his body. Tubes and wires emerge at various points on his body and connect at various points of his spinal column. His left arm seems to be a large mechanical claw.

 

The view zooms in on the brute.

 

"From the left, ladies and gentlemen, we have Reginald "Glass-Ear" Zeonski, sentenced to life imprisonment under the Solar System's harsh new "Nicey Nice" laws, whereby if you commit a crime after a judge asks you nicely not to, you get sent here!! His hobbies include antique weapon engineering, locksmithing and pugilism. Interesting things about this man, he has exactly six hundred and sixty six scars across his body, a devilish co-incidence indeed. Since learning this fact, he has done his best to ensure this number never changes. And his nickname, "Glass-ear", well... if you haven't noticed, he has one ear. The other was taken by a broken glass bottle!!!"

 

The view zooms in on the middle-aged man

 

"And here we have Rupert Brown, ex-middle administrator and orchestrator of one of the largest cases of corporate fraud in the last four months! Of course, his mistake was getting caught so now he ends up here. He was raised on the pacifist settlements on Phobos, the moon of mars, so abhors violence of all forms. We wish him good luck tonight, because he will certainly need it!"

 

The view zooms in on the black-haired woman

 

"I'm told this lovely lady here is known as Delia. Simply Delia. She was incarcerated for the ritualistic torture and murder of fifteen clergymen without the consent of the Solar System's Anti-Faith council. And we all know how unkindly they take to ritual of any form, don't we ladies and gentlemen. According to her file, Ms Delia is still on the lookout for Mr Right, so if she wins this, look out Single Males!!!"

 

The view zooms in on the mismatched form"

 

"And finally, we have Epsilon "Patches McGee" 432-Omega!! A creation of the Saturn Government's controversial "Frankenstein" project to combat the high mortality rates among their worker caste, "Patches McGee" here was the only notable success. Created by a scientist mad enough to nickname the creation "Patches McGee", this monstrosity has been responsible for the continual depletion of the population of Rhea, the industrial powerhouse of the now-shattered Saturn economy. Finally captured by Governmental troops four weeks ago, it is said the only way they got him was because he sat down to play the tuba. Isn't that a touching story. His exact makeup is unknown, as most of the data pertaining to his creation died with his creator, who died at the hands of his creation, but it is safe to assume that that big honking claw of his isn't just for show. Now, onto the next group, Volunteers!!"

 

The view moves on past the criminals. The faint sobbing of one can be heard briefly. The next 8 pedestals light up, revealing a motley crew of miscreants."

 

"And here we have our 8 volunteers for this round. We won't go into details here, suffice it to say that these men survived our gruelling trials for the show, which, incidentally, can be viewed next Earth Standard Monday on a new reality show we've just started, "Universe's Funniest Bloody Incidents! But, if you need to know, you can always log on to SWW.BLOODBALL-FFA.GAMESHOW and get the player's bios there."

 

As the camera passes the volunteers, four men, four women, several adopt hostile expressions and let out grunts. The camera stops at the next two pedestals, which light up to reveal two rather clean-cut looking individuals, dressed in white suits.

 

"Our two government representatives for tonight come to us from the Lunar Core Cybertronics laboratory."

 

At this, the eyes of the two light up and spinning claws on extendable limbs tear through the garments, slashing around wildly. With the clothing disposed of, the audience sees the false skin of the robots end at the collar, revealing cold mechanical parts underneath. Every part of these robots seems to have been honed to razor sharpness."

 

"And finally, from BLOODBALL FREE FOR ALL SOLAR COMPLEX MERCURY AND BLOODBALL FREE FOR ALL GALAXY OBSERVER PLUTO come our two current champions. Let's give a big warm BLOODBALL welcome to George "Death On A Stick" Titan and Samantha "EYEBALLS" Halliset!!!"

 

 

The two pedestals light up. The first reveals a large man with silvery streaks of metal, surrounded by reddened skin, running around his body. In place of his right eye, he has a black-metal contraption and his left arm is sheathed in white armour. The second shows a lithe young girl, dressed in a floral dress, grinning from ear to ear. With the exception of her bloodshot stare, she seems completely normal.

 

"We all cheered on the four-time champion Titan through his victory on Mercury, so I know I don't have to sing his praises, but because of contractual obligations, I'm going to anyway! "Death-On-A-Stick" got his nickname from his years in the Martian suppression force, during the Great Rum Riots of 2439. His mark of suppression was said to be a series of still-living dissidents skewered on a long metal pole. He was formally discharged last ES year and, faced with retirement, elected to try his luck on the Solar system's FAAAAAAAAAAAVOURITE gameshow, BLOODBALL FREE FOR ALL!!!

 

Our second carry-on champion, Little Ms Eyeballs, was a surprise to all of us. In the frigid conditions on Mercury, you'd think the cyborgs would have dominated, but through cunning, resourcefulness and sheer psychosis, Ms Halliset conquered all and became an instant fan favourite when she verbally chastised Matt "The Man" Mason... AFTER castrating him with his own severed arm! In her spare time, Eyeballs collects antique dolls, xeno-insects and human kidneys. Due to an unfortunate incident involving a nasty, baseless rumour, she is now single and on the show, her death-sentence for murdering her ex-boyfriend's entire bloodline being scrapped in favour of a stint on the Universe's Favourite Gameshow, BLOODBALL FREE FOR ALL!!!

 

Now, we go to the lovely Annisette Meyers to show our viewers at home what the people are fighting for. Annisette?"

 

The camera flicks to a view of a blonde Nordic goddess, 6'5, perfectly proportioned. Only a discerning viewer could reveal the hairline gap of a servo-access point, revealing her to be an android.

 

"Thanks Fredrick, and thanks to the Omega Corporation for providing the grand prize tonight, a suit of Moloch Battle Armour. Guaranteed to stop all solid ordinance short of an anti-cruiser round and with revolutionary energy-deflection plating to reduce even the most powerful plasma beam into another ray of sunshine. But personal protection isn't the only thing this little number sports, creature comforts were paramount in design, with suit operation being by direct cerebral tap for motion augmentation and for internal temperature adjustment. Also standard on this model is the patented Omega Chemical Enhancement package, for that quick hit of speed, power, strength or aggression when you need it the most. Normally priced at 15 billion Gold Pieces, this practical number is yours for winning this round of BLOODBALL FREE FOR ALL, along with the chance to go onto the GRAND FINAL, next year. Farcourt?"

 

The view flicks back to the host of the show.

 

"Yes, thankyou Annisette. And, ladies and gentlemen, another surprise for the winner of tonight's competition will be the lovely Annisette herself. But she doesn't know this quite yet. Her contract expires after this episode and the management needs some new blood, so what can you do? Corporate loyalties and all, I'm sure she'll make a great... dishwasher for the lucky champion. Now that the introduction is complete, we go LIVE to the Earth Gambling Combine's Headquarters, where the odds have been placed, the bookies are open and they are waiting for YOU to place your bets on who will be our next champion! But remember, it isn't just champions you're betting for. A favourite category is the popular "Who'll Bite It First" ticket. And of course, with the RED ECKS addition, the "GUESS THE ECKS" competition has returned. The first person to correctly guess what will happen when one of our contestants hits that RED ECKS will win ONE BILLION GOLD PIECES. So sit back, ladies and gentlemen, get the children comfortable and put the life savings on the line, because when we return from this commercial break, THE GAMES WILL BEGIN!!"

 

Camera flicks to commercials.