Family Ties

[Tavarilyn]

before

she knows she knows she knows

I can see a lie when I see one,

built of pursed lips and red eyes

of tears wrung from guilt and fear

"I'm disappointed"

is more a battle hymn or a mantra

sitting in the same chair I sat in

 

at 3

a leader before and a follower later

we creep through a jungle

all tipped blocks and jump ropes

lips almost to the forbidden plastic bag

but yanked back by the scruff

and "this is the sort of child

we don't want to be"

 

at 5

driven by some wild impulse

pelting them with rocks

in the open daylight

laugh at the game

they scramble like ants

and in flies the nun

ruler in hand

 

at 7

in a new school where

new kids are the next big fad

the center of attention

more like bargining chips in

some bizarre power struggle

where the mayor's daughter

assumes her father's throne early

 

at 9

two schools later when memories

have already cemented

glued themselves into not-yet-enemies

the inbetween years sit heavy

and laden with foreboding

they tell a tale wherein

a necklace determines all fates

 

at 11

on the threshhold

looms the reality no one mentions

kisses, once exchanged,

cannot be taken back

they hate because they understand

too well

where it all leads in the end

 

at 13

bled out, sick of popularity

blinded by hormones

by supposed duty

"school party" synonimizes

with den of inquity

with raw hatred unleashed

inside loving feelings lost

 

at 15

faced with looming responsibility

yet maneuvering around it

hoping those patterns sensed

behind Mommy and Daddy

are nothing more than

poltergeists left behind

by someone else

 

at 17

in the dead of the night

marched into the tomb

of the master bedroom

sitting at the edge

"Daddy, I won't ever do it again."

was a lie given just as easily

in a dark room on a bed

 

at 19

haunted by the lie

ripped into multiplicity

of the homemaker teenager

embodiment of everything spurned

scorned, abused

desperate to escape the totality

of the rapine

 

at 21

purging it all

in a fit of reality

bearing the bloody cross

while pride suffered the weight of sanity

alone, with friends

alone, with child

alone, with self

 

at 23

delving through the hurt

to see the shores of hope

wash away with the tides

slip through fingers

still bloody, raw with tears

barely gripping the sands

through the hourglass

 

at 25

wrung or at least twisting

agonized, antagonized, forced

not bowing

stable or at least willing

forged, reforged, bent,

not broken,

attempting to be whole

 

after

she knew, she knew, she knew

as I burn those chairs

needing stability for their pyre

watching across the flames

the sib urns Daddy's ashes out of love

and I urn Mommy's

because

[Peredhil]

What an amazing saga through the years

Full of truths hidden beneath the fears

Opened into cleansing light at last.

 

Welcome to the Pen. If you always write from the heart, you'll stay an astounding poet.

[Katzaniel]

Wow. This is quite amazing.

 

I wanted to offer just one suggestion: Instead of "at 3", "at 5", et cetera, I would recommend "age 3", "age 5" because it took me a while to realize that you weren't describing times. Unless, of course, you want the reader to remain in doubt for a little bit, leaving the thinking as an exercise to keep them involved in the poem, or for some other reason.

[Tavarilyn]

Well, one _wow_ deserves another. -Wow-. I'm surprised, but pleased, at both your reactions. Thank you for such a warm welcome!

 

Regarding your suggestions, Katzaniel, I wanted the poem to speak for itself, to let the imagery give rise to understanding of what was happening. I think, perhaps, that using the word "age" takes something away from the flow of the poem and the idea. The idea, rather than watching these things happen, was to describe a quick montage of thoughts....

 

I believe that I've succeeded, judging by the reactions... and perhaps another revision is in order. I look forward to more feedback, if I manage to get it. -grin- Thank you again!

[Peredhil]

Just a suggestion -

 

If you revise, do it here in the thread, and make it a new post. That way others can track the growth of a poem, from it's beginning to its final form, and we can all learn from it together.

[reverie]

I agree, very nice...

 

but: "sib urns" meaning escapes me, as does the use of "urn" for in the next sentence.

 

And I'd suggest the use of "commas" in you last stanza, "she knew, she knew, she knew..." inorder to mirror the first stanza's, "she knows she knows she knows"

 

 

Also, it seems you have built a fairly complex metaphore encompassed by a "before and after" frame.

 

The two outside frame stanza's seem to be taking place in the present, while the "at age..." stanzas seem a life time of reflections chronicling past disappoitments of some sort which the main speaker is using as a reference to judge or view the actions of the unvoiced other person in the first stanza. kind of like, a parent saying to a child, "you can't fool me, I've seen it all before."

 

 

***

 

Another take, i have on this, is of a Mother in the first stanza sitting with her daughter. The mother is clearly disappointed and the daughther has an inkling of this. However, it is unclear to me, whether or not the person that is saying "I'm diappointed" is the mother, and if that is so, if the Mother is the main persona of the poem. This all ties back into the "sib" part, which make wonder if there is not a third persona in the First stanza. That of an Older of sister, and the older sister is watching her Mother punish her younger sister in the same fashion that she was once punished.

 

Yet, the conclusion escapes me. It seems it hinges on the "sib urns" line. And since "sib" can mean "kin." And "urns," seem to be related to cremation, and since you using it as a verb here, I conclude it may me something like:

 

The relative takes Daddy's ashes out of love, and Mom's just because...

 

Which make me wonder, why there seems to be a stronger tie to the father.

And it also reinforces for me, that a third personal voiced as a sister may exist.

 

 

Whew...

 

So, I see LOTS potenial in the poem. You may want to consider writing a few variation on your theme and see what fruit it brings.

 

Also, the "at Age 7" stanza strikes me as an flawed metaphore, or only half of one.

 

I can see how being a new kid could be like the Mayor's daughter stepping up prematurely. But I don't get how they would be seen as bargining chips or how the daughter of a Mayor could ever assume throne in the first place. But the throne itself could be intended as metaphorical to the position itself, as with the process of assumption. Even taking that into conderation, it still seems an awkard or incomplete metaphore. Though, I'm probably just missing something.

 

Also, given the strong catholic school references in this poems, (Nuns, rulers etc..)

I wonder if the "at age 9" stanza's necklace is refering to a cross, rosary beads, or some other religious icon.

 

Other musings lead me to see premarital sex and an unexpected pregnacy may also be a huge theme in poem. Though the details are a little fuzzy. I draw this conclusion largely from Stanza's dealing with ages "17, 19, and 21."

 

Oh and least I forget, "age 15" seems to almost foreshadow the next few, with the lines:

 

hoping those patterns sensed

behind Mommy and Daddy

are nothing more than

poltergeists left behind

by someone else

 

Which seems like your speakers, trying not to repeat the mistakes of that her parent made, but once again, that mistakes/patterns or even inherited traits are fuzzy too.

 

Whew...

 

So, I think you got a gold mine material here.

 

cheers,

 

rev...

Edited December 15, 2005 by reverie

[reverie]

On second look, I dismiss my notion of a third persona in the first stanza. And see it again as a mother daugther combo, but with the daughter this time being disappointed...

 

disappointed in what? Now that would be the question. Hmm, maybe the main speaker is disappointed in her mom's pretence. Though, I'm not sure what that mask or "lie" consist of...

 

Hmm, maybe they're at the father's funeral, and the mother feels not grief, but guilt over his death, or maybe she even had a hand in it

 

Intriguing, yet preplexing... hmm.

 

So dad's gone and passed away in the last stanza as well, and maybe the mother has died in a way herself. Oh she's still breathing, but the daughter is doing something to "urn" her.

 

I do love abstration and obscurity. Maybe a little to much really, since I'm supposed to be writting more concrete in order to achieve more balance in my poems. i.e. so other people can understand them. But, I still ask the question, why do they need to understand them, and the answer I get is, "oh they don't, but if you are the only one that understands your poetry, then what you are really writing is journal...and there's nothing wrong with that."

 

Edited December 15, 2005 by reverie