Love's Crash Test Dummies

[Beautiful Nightmare]

I hate being the one

Who always makes you leave

The one who pushes you away

With my craving to bleed.

 

I guess the saying is true

That old habits die hard

And what i try not to do

Still ends up hurting you

 

So i sit here and shiver

Cut my love for you out

Trying to suffocate

Your screams and shouts.

 

Lying here indifferent

Numb to the pain

But crying my heart out

'Cause you made me feel ashamed.

Edited December 12, 2005 by Beautiful Nightmare

[Wyvern]

Nice poem, Beautiful Nightmare. :-) I found the self-destructive images effective at driving across the desperation and numb feel of the poem, and the thought of blocking out screams and shouts by physically cutting them off was as intriguing as it was disturbing.

 

I stumbled a bit on the rhyme scheme of the second stanza, which didn't follow the ABCB rhyme scheme of the rest of the poem and broke the rhythm a little. I also thought that the last two lines of the piece were a little weak when compared to the rest of the poem, and you might consider replacing them with something less direct.

 

Nicely done, once again. :-)

[Sweetcherrie]

Feelings, a lot of feelings in this poem.

 

I wish there was no need to write things out the way like this, but I can imagine that it helps in a way. *hugs*

 

Technically I have to agree with Wyvern, that second stanza could be better