Vlad Posted December 2, 2005 Report Posted December 2, 2005 10:45- Our eyes lock.10:46- Her walk, her smile; It's everything she does. My hand on the door, Her hand on mine.10:47- Her laugh, her eyes; Trading small talk or a joke. Her with me, or I with she- Alone in a crowded corridor. When I go blind This is all I wish to see.10:48- Perfect beauty, perfect grace; Behold the greatest riches known. Moments stolen from this world, Set apart from true reality.10:49- A short kiss, That lingers endlessly.10:50- Exeunt.
Wyvern Posted December 3, 2005 Report Posted December 3, 2005 Good poem, Vlad. :-) I really like how condensed this piece is, as I thought that almost no words were wasted in it and that the central feeling of love was driven across very well. The sparsity of the piece seemed to speak on the fascination that the narrator experiences towards his love interest, as he almost seemed overwhelmed by her wondrous presence. Time also seemed suspended in the piece, as each minute the narrator spends with his love lingers. I particularly liked the 10:47 entry, as the notion of being alone in a crowd struck me as intriguing. The only thing I might suggest dropping from this is the final "Exeunt" entry, since the term is synonymous with plays and staged acts, and detracts from the genuine feeling of love for me. Very well done. :-)
Katzaniel Posted December 3, 2005 Report Posted December 3, 2005 I also really liked this piece. It reflects taking appreciation in the few minutes you have between a busy life, and there's some really good lines in here. "My hand on the door/her hand on mine" and "When I go blind/This is all I wish to see" are probably my favourites. I just wanted to add that if you do take Wyvern's advice and remove the word "Exeunt", please replace it with something similar. I thoroughly enjoyed the contrast between "A short kiss/that lingers endlessly" and the ending, and felt that the piece was largely defined by that moment.
reverie Posted December 4, 2005 Report Posted December 4, 2005 (edited) "Exuent" I like the word personally, though that might be due to the novelty of me just discovering it: oooo, shiny. Anyway, it does seem to add a new dimension to the poem. Like your two personas are players on a stage or the stage of life playing out their assigned role/parts... Which as previous commentors have agreed, this probably detracts from what you intended. So, I like the word for its own sake, but also agree that it may be adding something extra that you might not have intended. Yet, if your okay with us drawing our wild conclusions, as penites are apt to do... then by all means keep it... Hmm, but you could also write a splinter poem exploring the possiblities of a grand playwrite in the sky setting in motion grand schemes of predistined love... Then well, I think it's worth a second look. I'd do it myself, but... A) I don't happen to be in love at the moment and I don't have a thorough enough knowledge of plays to effectively pull it off... (plus I don't have the time do the research either...) excellent and concise effort though. kudos rev... Edited December 4, 2005 by reverie
HappyBuddha Posted December 6, 2005 Report Posted December 6, 2005 I love the poem - the style works excellently. I agree with Wyvern; I think the dramatic effect is heightened and the overall poem enhanced if you axe "Exuent."
Vlad Posted December 9, 2005 Author Report Posted December 9, 2005 Alright, so I feel like I should make a post that at the very least will rationalize why I chose to end with "Exeunt." First of all, the love in this poem is over-the-top. Maybe I didn't do that enough, but I thought that it was kind of obvious. I guess I need to go back a tweak the diction, hindsight is 20/20, nobody to blame but myself, etc., etc... That's the easy part. The next part is kind of... vague? Poorly thought out? Overly complex? All of the above? The poem is indeed supposed to be representative of a play. Too bad that *all* fiction has the same element [rising action, climax, denouement, etc...] so I couldn't clearly separate the styles. To that effect, I tried to use the dates as remeniscent of scenes or even acts. The thought behind this poem was inspired by real events. [] However, sometimes life has a way of making you think that it can't all be real. I tried to dramaticize the tension in the poem, but I think I need to go back and take a look at it. Make it more pointed, or maybe try to smooth it out. As is, the poem feel like it's lost between two different goals, and isn't sure where to go from here. Thoughts? Comments?
Katzaniel Posted December 9, 2005 Report Posted December 9, 2005 Just one comment from me at the moment: If you want it to be a play, perhaps first-person isn't the best choice?
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