Beautiful Nightmare Posted December 2, 2005 Report Posted December 2, 2005 I'm perfectly molded No flaw can be seen To speak out of place Would be completely obscene. My smile is a paragon I keep myself healthy and fit I'm perfectly programmed Just the way you like it. I'm gracious and benevolent I never get mad And there is not a thing That I wouldn't understand. But really I am flawed In so many ways And crying myself to sleep Is all I do these days. You're so caught up in yourself That you can't really see You're the one who makes me cry You're the one who hurts me. I'm such a perfect mold of you I hate myself for being this Please, just declare something for me And seal it with a loving kiss.
Peredhil Posted December 2, 2005 Report Posted December 2, 2005 Really good. Meter is a little rough in a few places when I read it aloud. I took the liberty of changing some "your" to "you're" in your piece. There's a lot of depth and heart in this.
reverie Posted December 22, 2005 Report Posted December 22, 2005 (edited) I don't know if you intended it or not, but you're not that far away from a traditional Ballad Form, ya know. I mean your stanzas are already arranged to line up with the Ballad Form if as Peredhil observed you smoothed out the meter some. Ballad stanzas are usually neat sing-songy lyrical things once you get the tune down. I try to think of meter of the first line, being answered by the 2nd line. da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum. [iambic octo-meter? ] da-dum, da-dum,da-dum. [iambic hexa-meter?] da-dum, da-dum,da-dum, da-dum. [iambic octo-meter? ] da-dum, da-dum,da-dum. [iambic hexa-meter? ] With lines ending with a Rhyme scheme: a,b,c,b Of course, you can always vary the form, but it can serve as a good guilde or lanching off point. There are even traditional variations, like I did a six-line stanza ballad for a school assignment last week, so that's why I'm somewhat familar with this particular form. Like just for fun, lets see what one of your stanza might look like if slightly tweak to fit this form. In Perfection's mold I was cast. (might not be straight iamb, I have a thing for triplets.) No flaw in me is seen To speak at all, was out of place And thus was viewed obscene. (little archaic, I know, but am just trying to get the idea across.) plus, you can also have more fun by attempting some internal ryhmes in the odd lines. (not an easy thing to force, best when it just flows that way, if at all) Let's see if I can pull if off: I am perfect in mold select. No flaw in me is seen To speak my case, spoke not of grace, And thus was viewed obscene. .... Well anyway nothing wrong with your poem, just highlighting some potenials I saw. take care, rev... Edited December 22, 2005 by reverie
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