my spiders

[Guest Phoenix]

Spiders of fire

Trail down my arms

My legs

Dragging swollen proboscis

That drip venom as they go

 

Invisible spiders, of course

That leave no mark

Not one footprint

To show where they’ve been

Just the burning…

 

They cover almost every inch of my body now

And the females lay eggs in my spine

Which sting as the break open, leaving

Discarded egg casings that restrict my movement

 

I have a family of spiders

Who have made a home on me

The babies are cute

For a while

But they just keep growing

And I wonder if one day

There will be room left for me.

 

They are quite happy here

My spiders

They show no signs of leaving

and, unfortunately

I left my bug spray at home.

Edited November 27, 2005 by Phoenix

[Wyvern]

Very good poem, Pheonix. :-) The spider imagery that you incorporated throughout it really made me cringe and shudder, and was very effective at setting an horrific and discomforting tone. I particularly liked the detail of the "swollen probiscus'" and the concept of the "cute" baby spiders growing into something even more terrible. The third and fourth stanzas were my favorites, as they set two very intriguing and disturbing images that really drove across a sense of disgust and desperation.

 

One thing that struck me as odd in this poem was the ending, as the lack of bug spray seemed more comic and trivial than the rest of the poem. I wonder if the poem might end better with the second to last stanza, which would make quite a strong closing statement to me. Also, the second stanza of the poem didn't seem to relay much new information apart from the spiders being invisible, and you might consider incorporating the adjective into the first stanza and dropping the second stanza.

 

Once again, a very good poem. It definitely elicited a very strong reaction from me when I read it.

[Vlad]

"And I wonder if one day/ There will be room left for me."

 

I enjoyed this reading. The poem kept speeding up as I read it, increasing the sense of paranoia/fear/etc...

I'd disagree with Wyv and say the ending suits the poem just fine. Gives it a feeling of cosmic irony, and I loves meself some irony.

 

Keep writing.

[Guest Phoenix]

hmmm... having trouble with this one.

 

 

its proven a lot stronger than i thought it would be when i started it, as a distraction from how i was feeling...

 

as soon as i read your post, Wyvern, it triggered a lot more imagery which i've tried to incorporate - more spider stuff and less (i hope) of restating the same thing.

 

i think i'll keep the bug spray though its always been one of my favourite parts - being an ironical type of person myself. thanks Vlad, i was doubting it before i read your post. i have an interesting sense of humour and it doesn't always come across to other people

 

still not certain it fits with this poem though - i kind of have the feeling could be made into two, one creepy and horrible and one humerous. but i'm kind of enjoying the combination, so i'd appreciate thoughts on the newest version...

 

 

(drum roll please... )

 

my spiders

 

spiders of fire

trail down my arms

my legs

dragging swollen probiscus

that drip venom as they go

 

gathering at my nape

they sup with hungry tongues

at spinal fluid

rendering me stupid

a moving incubator

storehouse for their prodgeny

 

they cover almost every inch of my body now

and the females lay their eggs in my spine

which sting as they break open, leaving

discarded egg casings that restrict my movement

 

i have a family of spiders

that have made a home on me

the babies are cute

for a while

but they just keep growing

and i wonder if one day

there will be room left for me

 

unfortunately

i left my bug spray at home

 

 

 

it feels like it needs another stanza in there somewhere - possibly between the first and second. i've been playing with one that starts "my fingers strain/under the weight of their webs" but it seems to disrupt the flow more than help it.

 

basically, i'm a little stuck.

 

feedback would be appreciated.

xx

Phoenix

[Appy]

Hmm I really liked the last stanza of the original version. And in your second version the bugspray seems completely out of place now, because you're not working up to it anymore.

 

I'd therefor suggest keeping the last stanza as it was.

 

I like your change in second stanza though, even though at first it seemed like you just gathered difficult words and threw them in a stanza

That's just me having English as a second language tho, no worries, it's fitting I think

 

Not sure about another stanza.. it might be stretching the point too much.

 

Hrmm, reading it again, you already have 'some' comic relief in your fifth stanza of course... so then, if you decide to bring back the original last stanza, you'd have two creepy, a center which explains the problem quite visual, and two comic relief stanza's. You could tip the balance with an additional stanza, but be very sure about the direction you'll take then.

 

Good luck, I'll be following this one