Guest Phoenix Posted November 17, 2005 Report Posted November 17, 2005 (edited) WARNING! Not entirely sure if this is the right place for this, but i wanted to post it.... please feel free to move it/remove it if it's not appropriate thanks Phoenix xx velvet i carry my pride inside me tucked up, deep within centered between my legs in velvet folds that lift and curl through breasts, hands, lips, there is my beauty a secret closet that will not reveal itself to any. no, to very few and none who have yet had me have fully seen the treasures that lie hidden found my mystery as i have hunted theirs through the folds of skin one comes close but does not see beauty there, he says blinkered to his senses he touches the edges of my soul with tentative fingertips then pulls back, afraid just as i start to give in i pause. off balance no release for me today where once our joining was complete growth begun for an immense union of souls, entwining we soared within each other transported to new heights urging the other on with moaning, panting whispered sighs until our casings broke and we lay together, deep together breathing as one now. now, i don't know. he has pulled his soul away but keeps burrowing back i would he saw himself as i do saw me our eyes are closed to remedies i don't know what he sees i close my knees and wait, rolled inside i'll save my pride one will someday come who knows the glory to be found in mingling souls opening yourself to another to see beauty in all aspects, facets we'll find the wonder again that is lost on this child my beauty is dusky, private, sweat my beauty is skin on skin on skin my beauty unfolds from within my beauty quivers to the touch shy. its all too much she must be coaxed out from her shell enjoy my taste, my texture smell i open to you like a flower we'll twine together for an hour then part and our beauty will be laid bare sheened with sweat, without a care for all the world to see it there. Edited November 26, 2005 by Phoenix
Appy Posted November 21, 2005 Report Posted November 21, 2005 (edited) First about your worry that you didn't post this in the right place. Well, it's poetry, you are an honoured guest, therefor, the Banquet Room is perfect, especially since you gave some sort of warning beforehand. But to join us for real (so's to benefit from ALL our goodies ) requires the writing of an application. You can read all about that in the FAQ .. this link'll direct you straight to the answers about applications/applying. Then, once you're an initiate, you can post things like this in the Scarlett Pen. (which is our official non-rated forum) Even though I doubt this is very offensive to anyone, I wouldn't be surprised if the majority still felt it best to post this there. Unfortunately, I cannot move this there myself, but any of the elders will pick up on this at some point I think (they're busy people y'know ) Now.. On to the actual poem! This piece has major potential, and I enjoyed reading what you have here. Well, the message is almost harsh (from what I could pick out of it) so maybe not so much enjoyed but intrigued? As you see, I'm better at explaining things then I am at giving replies on literature, but I'll keep doing my best You have good descriptive images here, and if you would like to have it picked apart (in a friendly, helpful way), I'd be most glad to do so, just give the word Not sure if you posted here before, but in any case, welcom to the boards, and I hope you enjoy your stay Edited November 21, 2005 by Appy
Peredhil Posted November 21, 2005 Report Posted November 21, 2005 Evocative and sensual without being obscene. You really captured a feeling that transcends bodies and sex. Well written.
Guest Phoenix Posted November 22, 2005 Report Posted November 22, 2005 Thanks both of you for your responses i am intending on applying, but unfortunately my muse is on strike - i keep writing things and then destroying them for being so bad... maybe i just need to post them anyway and get over myself pick away, please! anything you like - responses improvements, general random thoughts i'm always up for some feedback Thanks xxPhoenix
Peredhil Posted November 22, 2005 Report Posted November 22, 2005 Ack!!! Don't EVER destroy your works! If nothing else, keep them for seeds, watered with time, that when you've developed your skills you can revisit and bring to fruition. Go reread this!!!
EdenSinger Posted February 25, 2007 Report Posted February 25, 2007 Honey bunch, i can see how this was a very personal poem but kudos to you for posting it! I really like the first part of the poem because it is more general and i feel like i can relate to it.. It can't not affect a girl.. It's just beautiful and the rest of the poem i like too, it's like lots of little different beat poems put into one. They could work on their own just as well when put into this combination i think.. but the first and the last verses i really like, again because i feel like i can relate to them. Not to say that the rest of the poem is for any less, caused obviously it describes your personal experience - a little bit hurt and nostalgic how i see it but that's why its beautiful! oh and i love the twist you used with "now." i think it really sets you up for a turn. ~ i think if you wanted to put just the first and the last verses together, you could and you'd have a whole different experience of that poem.. but that's just me...i tend to swear by the 'less is more" rule.. but i really still love your poem just as it is now thanx for sharing it (and telling me to look it up) xox
GeldrinHor Posted February 25, 2007 Report Posted February 25, 2007 Well, let's see. Being a guy....one might assume this to bring about an arousal...whether physical or mental, of GOD-like proportions. Maybe I'm just special....I don't know. But I took a great deal of heartfelt self-romanticism and at the same time guilt from this poet's work. Wonderful to see someone who shares a deep and utter understanding of what it must feel like to question one's own motives in the game of Love (or lust!) Instead of stirring lust in me, it turned itself around and I saw the inspiration of lust and love, of devotions and betrayals flashing before my eyes. It was both wondrous and frightening. I truly enjoyed this work not only for it's content, but for the courage our writer took to post it. Keep the courage up! Submit your words to our graceful, tender mercies, and fear not, for there are those here who would not flourish so well, without your wisdom and sensual abilities. Very nicely written, and I felt the whole pace of it was well done. I must admit, in my minds eye, as I read this, I SAW the story flow. and I enjoyed it VERY much.
Guest Phoenix Posted February 26, 2007 Report Posted February 26, 2007 my god its been a while since i wrote this EdenSinger i can see what you mean - condensing it like that makes it more generalised and open to interpretation, and keeps the mood better than i thought it would. i like the story tho, it was... hard and i'm glad i managed to get it down in a way that evoked something GeldrinHor, i don't think i've met you before so HI *hugs* and thank you for your comments they meant a lot ... *stops before brainfog reduces me to blathering*
Quincunx Posted February 26, 2007 Report Posted February 26, 2007 This does more properly belong in Scarlet Pen, the spot for topics which raise eyebrows*, although we seem to have gotten good results from leaving it out here. I'll probably shuffle it in there, but not right away. As for commentary. . . Damn, I wish I could have written that. *Both serious and. . .er. . .well. . .the Thong Song.
GeldrinHor Posted February 27, 2007 Report Posted February 27, 2007 Phoenix, I am just an old soul come back to roost after a long absence. I was a member of the Pen back in 2001/2002 for a few months (Pen name then was Lord GeldrinHor), when to my deep friends regrets and worry, I sorta dropped off the face of the planet, as it were. About the only one I spoke to during my long absence was Peredhil, as I have him on my Yahoo Messenger and like to harass him from time to time. I got the chance to come back home and they had to practically build a wall to keep me out... . And my words were heartfelt....I formed ALL the pictures in my mind as I read the words on the screen. I was THOROUGHLY taken by the words, and felt what I could only imagine you felt as you put the words down. As was once mentioned, a man (or woman) with the right word(s) is stronger than nearly any army on Earth. I once again, applaud your words. /me bows deeply. 2 .......teeheeheeheeheehee (The giggling old mage wanders off down a hallway, his chuckles echoing as he moves away)
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