Challenge of Five Elements

[Gwaihir]

Screaming Shaman

 

The five elements for this story were:

1. The story must have a dragon in it.

2. The story must involve a scripture at the end.

3. A character buys a house, but it is done for different reasons than people would expect.

4. A character becomes relaxed during the story.

5. The story ends in a hospital/medical centre.

Sweetcherrie

Firstly, I’d like to say that I really liked this story. It was a really nice read, and it left me wanting more.

 

Planning:

I think you’ve incorporated the five elements very well. You managed to make a story with all parts coming together in a logical way, and I think you’ve done pretty well on the planning part in this respect.

 

In the beginning I was almost thinking, “Oh my, a prince story, what the?!”, but quickly you twisted the story line around, and managed to make it into something entirely different, but without losing the reader’s attention.

 

Dialogue:

In general the lines go well together with the characters, and I think they could be spoken the way you’ve written them, pretty realistic. I loved the way I had to go back over them, and found parts of a priest giving the last sacraments….you’ve interwoven 2 worlds nicely into one story.

 

Gwaihir

Somewhat Taleth-like but no worse for that. Enjoyed this quite a bit.

 

Comments:

I Like the note about the solid door and the material. Nice bit of setting and just the sort of detail I always notice when I'm knocking on people's doors. (Hope I'm not encroaching on Description here;))

 

The way you show Miakel sparing the woman here effectively makes him seem dangerous but still shows him as a nice guy.

I like the sentient hair although it's a bit confusing.

I accept the amnesia issue but still I wish we had more characterization of the Nemesis. Surely there have been chances to get to know him over all those failed attempts to kill him?

As Ray'Shel turns into a dragon I once more wish I had knew more about this powerful pixie.

It seems on the face of it a bit odd when a brother robs a brother but maybe if you had characterized Jacob more that would help?

Re: Setting, the dream-like setting of this all makes it a bit unreal and I'm not sure whether that’s a strength or a weakness. I guess I'd like a few ore details in some places but the general way you did this is quite clever.

Entertaining. I hope Jacob can be convicted.

 

Panther

Screaming Shaman:

 

What a world. I could picture it clearly in my mind, its surroundings, the town, the shaman, Miakel, and his companion, Ray'Shel. The images did not hinder the movement of the story, however, just fleshed it out enough to keep the reader interested. Orlan did a good job striking the balance between keeping the tale moving, and giving enough details to build the world around it.

 

The language used in the writing was very appropriate, and the use of words was well varied. It was an easy read, as far as structure, not making me re-read any more than I had to for my own reasons. The combination of clear images and concise language made this a very enjoyable read for me.

 

[Edited to insert Panther's comments]

Edited March 14, 2006 by Gwaihir

[Sweetcherrie]

Pen Pal

The five elements were:

1. A character hits something in anger, and they are surprisingly over enthused about it.

2. The story starts during a riot in Asia.

3. The story must have a cat in it.

4. The story must involve a cube in it.

5. The story ends in a crypt in Europe.

Sweetcherrie

Boy, you do manage to put in many layers each time you write something. I’ve read it a couple of times, and it’s taken me those couple of times to see it all. Still, even though this was a draft only, I liked it, and hope that it will find continuation some time.

 

Planning:

I can see how the setup is developing and I think that it can become something really nice if it would be finished. Your style of writing is a very particular one, and one that takes getting used to at times, but still a well thought out one.

 

Dialogue:

I love the way you manage to strengthen the development of a character through what he or she says, and in which way they say it. You manage to convey emotions very well in their words, and once again, I would love to read the full story of this.

 

Gwaihir

Very good story, though it takes several reads before I could piece it all together. Once read, though, it proves worth the effort.

 

Setting: the style of writing truly captures he chaos of the protests described in the beginning. The second section doesn't seem to have much setting; it's the event that defines the scene. The bookstore, though minimally described, sounds like any number of indie bookstores I've visited, so it's also good.

 

Characterization: Like the setting, I think this one does a lot with a minimum of description, which brings the characters alive even though it takes some investment on the reader's part to bring them out. I like the volatility of both characters, between the idealistic zeal of Raina to Janna's fierce pragmatism and strange penchant for low yield explosives. meanwhile, the bookstore scene establishes an intense camaraderie between the two. Again, minimal description makes a relatively easy-to-relate to situation suddenly more real.

Perhaps a little more context? More description on the second scene? These are ideas, though I would not want to ruin the minimalist intensity of the story.

 

Very well done!

 

Panther

 

Despite Quincunx saying that this was more or less a rough draft, I think that this piece was quite well written. The grammar in the text was consistent and easy to read. It wasn't as polished as a final draft may be, but I believe it was better than rough draft quality.

 

The description in the piece was also quite good. Again, probably not as polished as it could be, but considering the truncated timeline that she was working with, they were quite effective. The depiction of the cruelty of the mob, the meeting in the bookstore and the chaos of the explosion was quite good.

[Gwaihir]

A Moment’s Peace

 

The five elements were:

1 A character writes a diary, and the action has far better results than expected.

2 A character is vengeful throughout most of the story.

3 The story must have a theologian in it.

4 The story takes place at midnight exactly.

5 During the story, there is a letter delivered.

Sweetcherrie

Wow!

 

I have to be honest, I was not looking forward to reading this many pages, but wow, what a story that turned out to be!

 

Planning:

The tension build up is great, the puzzle pieces all fit. At the end I have to say that it took just slightly too long to reveal what you wanted to reveal. I can understand you don’t want to leave anything out, but this could be reworked by using a slightly faster pace of writing. Possibly more shorter sentences worked into the story towards the end. Also I have a hard time to find back the five elements, but you did an amazing job with this story, well written.

 

Dialogue:

Very realistic, and even though this story is entirely in a fantasy setting you still managed to get the dialogue across as if it could’ve been said by the guy next door. Overall I would say that for dialogue you would get a level 3 from me here.

 

Gwaihir

Wonderful story!

 

Comments:

Beautiful setting.

Very believable boy at the beginning. He has a hard time communicating and wants to be tough but he's a kid.

I really love the details here. You make the setting real and very enjoyable.

The transfer to the letter about the Great Bear is a bit sudden. Maybe it would help if you'd told us more about the style or background of our setting? This story is complicated enough that it would be nice if we had some story or tangent that gave us some ideas of the religious beliefs of the participants before they become vital.

Good mother-son tension

and I definitely like the way Kilde is done. things like calling herself a sack a bones are nice details that give some life to a character.

carp-et that sounds useful for fishing-I am amused.

 

I very much like that when her moment really comes Kilde becomes confident.

So the gods are rather like all the rest of us I see. At least they tease each other that way.

However, I'm a bit uncomfortable about his mother's punishment here. What did she really do? We don't know and I think we need more characterization on this certainly.

 

A Moment's Peace:

 

Though much longer than any of the other pieces in this challenge, I truely enjoyed reading this piece. It flowed well throughout the piece, with very few hang-ups within the wording, and surely a few of those were just my brain being a pain. The words were well chosen, and used in the proper context, as far as I could tell.

 

The images produced by these well used words were quite good and powerful. Be they of the basin at the beginning in Lupisle, of the two wolf riders bounding down the side of the mountain on their wolf mounts on their way to Bruinisle, or of the great assembly at the temple of Bruinisle. All were well produced and developed. This is overall a very good piece, and I would actually hope that there may be a follow-up piece to see how things go with young Vachten.

 

Panther

A Moment's Peace:

 

Though much longer than any of the other pieces in this challenge, I truely enjoyed reading this piece. It flowed well throughout the piece, with very few hang-ups within the wording, and surely a few of those were just my brain being a pain. The words were well chosen, and used in the proper context, as far as I could tell.

 

The images produced by these well used words were quite good and powerful. Be they of the basin at the beginning in Lupisle, of the two wolf riders bounding down the side of the mountain on their wolf mounts on their way to Bruinisle, or of the great assembly at the temple of Bruinisle. All were well produced and developed. This is overall a very good piece, and I would actually hope that there may be a follow-up piece to see how things go with young Vachten.

 

[Edited to insert Panther's comments]

Edited March 14, 2006 by Gwaihir

[Katzaniel]

Wow you guys, this feedback is awesome. Definitely makes me wish I had enough time to go over the story again. I think when I finish university you will see me reworking quite a few pieces around here.

 

I really liked the fact that it was all written from someone who in the end turned out to be dead already, but what I found somewhat confusing in this is the parts of the police agent. Somehow it didn’t entirely fit in with the rest, and somehow it came across as less…hmm…involving as the rest of the story. Almost as if you put less effort in that and added it in later.

That's really interesting. I wrote the whole thing in the order it appears, so I'm not sure why it would seem that way. I suppose he seemed a less central character to me, so I didn't bother to understand his motives as well? If I reworked it, perhaps I could either remove his parts or try harder to understand him. Part of might be that I don't have a very good idea what a negotiator actually does... a little bit of research wouldn't go amiss.

 

Although, if I rework it the parking ticket bit will have to go, I think. It seems way too out of place, even as a reason for Officer Jackson to miss Alexander standing up. (Plus, what happened to the snipers?)

 

I really like the way you wrote this in first person and still didn’t make a mess of it. Third person is so much easier to write without going into repetition, but you did a pretty good job with that.

I don't remember whether this was before or after Spik, but it was that story and this one where I realized I actually find first person easier. I'm not sure why. Thanks though.

 

Dialogue:

Well used, fitting with the character, and in my head it all made sense what they were saying. In this I would definitely say you’re a level 3.

Cool. Of course I always try to make it realistic as possible, but I never know if it comes across that way to others. I guess I should keep doing what I'm doing, then, as far as dialogue goes. (Though I don't usually include swears, and that could be a large part of the realness of this one....?)

 

Extremely interesting and not like what I have come to think of as 'your usual style.'

I was just thinking today about how I try not to have too much of a style, rather aim my "voice" toward however the teller would speak. But even so, I can see that this is radically different. Well, I can thank you guys for the inspiration for that. I always do like to stretch myself as a writer.

 

Setting:

Well, it's a house at a hostage site and it's a very reasonable setting considering the topic but I could wish for a bit more detail to make the setting live.

*laughs* Yeah. Yeah, I'm aware that I'm bad at describing the setting. For me, the surroundings don't usually play a big part, and that includes any visual description at all, really. But I need to work on realizing that my readers don't know what I don't tell them, and they like to be able to picture things, and they usually need a description of the setting and characters in order to do that. When I go over this again (knowing me, perhaps I should say "if" ) I'll need to look into that. (Though this part will be harder in first person, and I'd like to keep it in first)

 

I really like the characterization we get of Alex. However, this is mostly in his mind so we don't really get as much of Jeoffrey. We don't really know enough about him for my taste.

*nods* I can see what you're saying. I think this might be more because Jeoffrey is a softer personality. He doesn't emote as much. I'll have to think about what I can do to tell you about him. Presumably more from his own point of view would help, but how much more is there to tell from his view? Well, anyway, I'll take that advice to heart. It's good advice.

 

I like that Alex keeps rationalizing this even though now he knows that his ex never had even slept with anyone else. Still, he says that anyone else would have done the same and how could he have known etc.

*grins* Well, that's just Alex for ya.

 

I really like that you give different people's points of view. I wish you could expand this though, maybe. I would like to hear more of other participants in this, particularly if you can make them as believable as you did Alex.

Other participants? Like others with an apartment in that building? A sniper?

 

Jeff in tears is well done.

Thank you.

 

Interesting that Alex didn't want to fall off the top of the building by accident--only on purpose would do.

I think that's mainly because he's so screwed up from no sleep. There was no real reasoning there. I'm glad it didn't come across as confusing or anything.

 

Good story. I want more.

Well, they're both dead now... If you're saying it would be better longer, then I'm not sure whether I agree with you. Maybe I'll seek out more opinions about it. Anyway, thanks.

 

 

I'm looking forward to hearing from Panther, too. Thanks for this, guys.

 

EDIT: Why on Earth don't my quotes work any more?

EDIT2: Apparently we're limitted to 10 quotes so that last one is getting a "code" designation.

Edited March 6, 2006 by Katzaniel

[Sweetcherrie]

Aiaiaia, I have to rectify something here....

 

Tavrilyn wrote me a pm that I had misquoted her 5 elements (I had accidentally taken those of someone who didn't manage to find the time to compete), so here are the elements Tavarilyn worked with:

 

your five elements are:

 

1. The story must have a bear involved in the middle.

2. The story must involve a carpet in it.

3. A character will take a bath.

4. A character becomes lonely during the story.

5. During the story, a character is slandered.

Sorry

[Sweetcherrie]

For the feedback posts under my name, I've added in Panther's comments and will sent Gwai the parts that she can edit in

[Sweetcherrie]

Okido....it's taken a while, but bosy lifes all over the place prevented us from getting together with the three of us

 

I won't make a big fuzz over this but I will *gives a sign to some sidecharacter in the corner and a drum can be heard*....

 

aah, that works

 

 

 

 

 

 

oh, yeah, I should announce a winner.....it's....Tavarilyn *applauds loudly*

 

Congratulations!

[Katzaniel]

Congratulations, Tavarilyn! It was very well deserved.

 

And this certainly produced some good reads, so thanks to you three for hosting and judging - and giving such good quality feedback.

[Tavarilyn]

 

I've started and stopped and started this post about five times over, so I'll just get to the point: Wow. I'm stymied. Thank you for ... well, reading my ridiculously long entry, to begin with. I remember posting it, wincing over how long it was going to take to pour through. I almost didn't post! But I'm glad I did, because now I have a finished piece and some wonderful edits to make (thanks to some great feedback!). Thanks, also, to everyone who read and contributed and... and.... and I'm running off at the fingers. Anywho, I'll be sure to post a re-draft, when ever I get the chance to hack up the original.

 

-takes a deep breath-

 

Thanks again, to all!

 

Tav

Edited March 28, 2006 by Tavarilyn

[Katzaniel]

I don't think you have access to the forum with the Pen Recommends in it, yet, but you ought to know that this piece has been nominated & seconded to be a candidate for the Pen Recommends list. It would still need to be put to a vote to all members, and you would have to give permission for it to go to that vote. I suppose if you're still planning on doing heavy editting, you may wish to decline until that's done - anyway, that's up to you. In the meantime, feel very proud. Regardless of the length of the story, it really was an excellent piece.

 

* adds to the clapping *

[Tavarilyn]

This is the sound of my jaw dropping...

 

I.. no, I don't have access to any of the other boards beyond the general ones. Wow, well, um. Speechless twice in one week. That's gotta be a new record. I guess I'll do the editting on my end and .... post later?

 

Thanks for the heads-up Kat.

 

-stunned-

 

Tav

[Sweetcherrie]

And you deserve every last bit of it