Beautiful Nightmare Posted November 1, 2005 Report Posted November 1, 2005 (edited) It's getting late It's getting dark I wonder where The hell you are I shut up Don't say a word Take my place In this mute world Listening to silence Staring into oblivion Stagger towards my despair Because of you I'm unspoken Because of you I am broken You build me up To watch me fall Tear down my fence And build a wall I can't take this I've lost my place Caught in your world I need my space Listening to silence Glaring into oblivion Running towards my hopelessness To you I was just a token Because of you I am broken It's getting late Later than planned And i wonder where The hell i stand I'm in a place Where I've become Myself, finally No longer numb Owning this silence Daring oblivion Facing my hopelessness Because of you I've awoken Because of you I'm more outspoken More outspoken More outspoken Edited November 1, 2005 by Beautiful Nightmare
Zariah Posted November 1, 2005 Report Posted November 1, 2005 I actually really liked this poem. This really struck a chord in me You build me up To watch me fall Tear down my fence And build a wall And I also liked the repetition in the end. *Hugs*
Parmenion Posted November 1, 2005 Report Posted November 1, 2005 (edited) Reminds me of the struggle many people face in many situations... Children not being allowed to have opinions because adults think they know better. Younger siblings being kept in the shadows regarding their opinions because of the strength and mental bullying of older siblings (I remember being particularly good at this when i was younger and don't think I have lost the knack ). Partners who are pschologically bullied by those of stronger character in relationships. The poem is a very apt window looking out from such a situation which describes the victim's emotional distress , duress, lack of understanding regarding such mistreatment and the inevitable result of such mental abuse. That being the protagonist's gathering of strength and mental stability to themselves. The protagonist gains what every victim in such a a situation will gain - strength of character and a greater sense of self. So the reality of the poem for me is very accurate abd believable lending credance to the description. The repetitive style used to drive home the points being made was used for me with the right weight at the right times stamping into the reader's mind the main issues being dealt with. As Zariah quoted, that stanza is a fantastic image! I do believe this poem marks a turning point in your ability as a poet. It shows the depth and intricacy you have learned to shape words and sentences; that you have learned how to use complex imagery to convey your messages and that you can take subjects objectively and tackle them with the ability to portray a a protagonist who could exist in a number of possible situations without diminishing the weight of any one in particular - this makes your poem have a much broader base and a more encompassing appeal in general to readers. I think I am already at the stage of learning from you. Edited November 1, 2005 by Parmenion
Appy Posted November 3, 2005 Report Posted November 3, 2005 Reading this like a lyric, I like it a lot hun You've come such a long way, and I love where you're going. Thanks for posting *hugs her sis*
Sweetcherrie Posted November 14, 2005 Report Posted November 14, 2005 Shame you edited in your original post, would have been nice to see how this work got developed Still a nice poem though
Parmenion Posted December 3, 2005 Report Posted December 3, 2005 just read this again like I hadn't read it before - still as good second time round. Save this one lass, its a masterpiece.
reverie Posted December 4, 2005 Report Posted December 4, 2005 (edited) hmm, reminds me of some the habits i tend to fall in... lot's of things going on, but hard to see just what exactly that is... I've always subscribed to the notion, that well that's just fine... The reader's not supposed to know everything, and who doesn't love a good mystery... Though, lately, i've rather reluctantly come around to the view, that it does matter "some" what is being held back or not being said to the reader... Example, my poem "to the shrine of regret" I talk a lot about the effects of a few events on my life behind a veil of metaphores... yet I back away from describing/dealing directly with the events themselves... In your poems case, I'd say your persona is doing similar in describing the figure/person that has inspired you, and just how that particular situation came about... Suggestive Questions to ask yourself: How did the person build you up? How and why were you broken? Why'd it shut you up? What made you realise that you had become yourself and how did that come about? If you can answer them in the context of showing us a few of the actions of this person which effected your persona so greatly, than mores the better. Not exactly an easy thing to do, but in dealing with them head on, you may create something more beautiful than the orginal, though I won't lie, the potential pain evoked by doing that may be increased as well. Hope that make some sense. I'm struggling with it myself, for polish in poetry like in any craft is never easily obtained... rev... Edited December 4, 2005 by reverie
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