Tasslehoff Posted September 25, 2005 Report Posted September 25, 2005 (edited) I have talked to you about your new man It makes you sound pretty happy It feels like someone just slapped me in the face My stomach is turned into knots I say he doesn't have what we had And it makes me kind of mad That I lost my one true love There is no need for a jacket or umbrella I can see the storm coming in quick I'm going outside into the rain because I can't handle this pain For 2 1/2 years we made it work And now its all gone, leaving tears on my face. Im writing this one last letter To let you know how I feel Before I do my best to keep it all together And keep my broken heart concealed. I will be on the other side Patiently waiting for the storm to clear Watching over you as best I can We went from lovers to friends We'll go from friends to lovers So, if he makes you smile There is nothing for me to do but accept it & respect it I'm saying my last goodbye in hopes it will sink in And let you think about it Then I'll just leave you alone and let our frienship be And be a man about this situation. *just fixed a few small errors I saw* Edited September 26, 2005 by Tasslehoff - AngelXIIX
Ayshela Posted September 26, 2005 Report Posted September 26, 2005 *hugs* nothing to say at the moment, just... *hugs*
Caralyn Posted September 26, 2005 Report Posted September 26, 2005 Wow is all I can say. You're a fabulous poet.
X-Sabre Posted October 22, 2005 Report Posted October 22, 2005 Mr BBE, excellently crafted poem. Obviously the pain in each and every word is what truly makes this an great work. Amazing job evoking such emotion, especially in someone like me.
HappyBuddha Posted October 23, 2005 Report Posted October 23, 2005 *hugs* This poem hits hard in the right spots. You do a good job of painting the situation while leaving it vague enough that the reader can identify intimately with it. I have one suggestion for improvement. Consider the stanza which reads: There is no need for a jacket or umbrella I can see the storm coming in quick I'm going outside into the rain because I can't handle this pain I thought it would be cool if you replaced the last line with something like, "Because I can't stand this leaking roof anymore"
Tasslehoff Posted October 27, 2005 Author Report Posted October 27, 2005 Thanks Sabre.. Long time no hear. I see what you are getting at Budda.. Interesting approach. Ive been looking into it and cant find something that I feel flows.. *leaking roof* just doesnt seem like it has enough strength.. You know? Any other ideas though? We are thinkin vivid!!
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