Dear Dan

[word_eyes]

It seems you've stolen more from me

than I could ever take

I cannot be a crutch for you

the more you lean, the more I break,

I tried so hard to help you

I never left you alone

I never took a friend from you,

they all left on their own,

as did I eventually

when my pain became your hobby,

you became predictable,

as if your mood was photocopied,

I never meant to hurt you,

I said I'd never leave,

I've always stood beside you,

you started leaving me.

But still I tried to follow

until the distance was too great,

I waited in your shadow

like a good little mistake,

We used to fight this battle

with ammunition in our guns,

but when the war began

we both dropped arms and tried to run,

we did this to ourselves,

you, made me not care

I, made you forget

that I can't always be there,

I said I needed space

I never said goodbye

years carry us to waste

but true friends never die,

I just wanted you to see that throughout this storm,

every time you fell

I picked you up and carried on,

but then my back got weak

and I had to put you down,

then I watched you walk away

leaving me for dead on the ground,

letting me drown in your dust

like I drowned in your "Pity me" stories

so this is just another time

that you weren't there for me,

but still I pick myself up,

and dust of the sand,

run to catch up

and hold your backstabbing hand,

but you've unmasked yourself this time,

I 'm not sure if it's really you

pushing my hand away,

knowing you'll regret it soon.

Who do you think I am?

Who do you think you are?

that I have to drop my life beneath yours

so if you fall, I get the scars,

this time is the last

you were never worth the struggle,

if you still refuse to give a damn,

then, f@#% you.

[Wyvern]

A nice poem, word eyes. :-) The message of fake friends is heartfelt, particularly in the context of the internet, and I really liked the idea of the narrator as a rickety crutch. I also found the history of the narrator with the friend-turned-stranger interesting, and liked the concept of masks and truth versus lies.

 

In think that the ending of this poem comes off as much more immature than the rest of the piece, and you might want to consider rendering it a bit more ambivalent given the ambivalence in emotions and truth depicted in the rest of the piece. Criticisizing the fake friend for his "'Pity me' stories" in the poem may also run the risk of pretentiousness, as in some ways the narrator is aiming to evoke sympathy and pity from the reader in the poem. The metaphor of the war also didn't strike me as very original when compared to some of the other metaphors used in the poem, and there were points where the lines felt a bit forced by the rhyme scheme ("as if your mood was photocopied," comes to mind).

 

Out of curiousity, was this poem based on experiences with a pen pal on the internet? If so, I'd be intrigued to learn more about the context of the interactions between the narrator and the fake friend... in fact, even if this relationship had nothing to do with an online setting, I'd still be interested in learning more details pertaining to it. :-)

 

Nice work.

[Sweetcherrie]

Nice work.

 

I would like to see some breaks somewhere though, but that's probably only personal.

 

Keep it up