Darkcherrie

[Sweetcherrie]

Fine.

 

She was lying on her bed, and the world was blocked out. An invisible screen had been pulled up between her and the rest of the world. Knowing full well that his was her own doing, and that it had little to do with anybody but her, made her feel even worse about it.

 

The chaos in her head made her want to scream, simply lash out at the world around her, and kill each and every person that was inside it. She wanted to cry hot tears, but knew that she’d feel ridiculous towards herself, especially because she knew she was being irrational.

 

It wasn’t the world that made her feel like this; it was her own selfishness and silliness that kept her locked up in this cube of anger. It had been dark before at times, and every time she wanted to claw against the walls and scream at them to set her free, give her that feeling of euphoria that she’d had just moments before.

 

Just moments before she’d been on top of the mountain, screaming how good she felt, and now…now she was typing madly at a keyboard to try and get rid of the chaos that was building inside her head. At times she was scared that it was more than just a mood change, at times she was almost afraid that it was more than just feeling a bit troubled. Sometimes she even touched words like manic-depressive, and borderline, but she simply couldn’t accept those options.

 

After all, she’d be considered a nutcracker if that was the case; a fruitcake, a fool, an idiot, no longer able to think for herself, and not at all the person that other people could look up to, and that was always there to try and support others. She shook her head to get rid of these ridiculous thoughts of self-pity. She simply didn’t want to be one of those people, she hated them herself so to become one….no. she simply refused that.

 

Then why? Why did she come to ask herself these questions? What was it that troubled her this much? And why on earth had she ever started writing only to not be able to stop?

 

The tears burned behind her eyes, not tears of pain, tears of anger, but tears of feeling powerless. Powerless to stop the feelings rush over her, and trying to cling on to that ‘top of the world’ feeling she’d had just moments before. She knew she could be there, then why wasn’t she?

 

“Screw the world for a moment, I need to figure this one out for myself,” she thought.

 

Never before she’d asked help of her friends, and never before had she stayed in this mood for long. Every time this happened she just retreated inside her own head, put on some good music, and drowned it all out. And that’s exactly what she would do now, put on some good music and drown it all out.

 

She’d be fine.

 

She’d be fine.

 

....

 

She was fine.

[Sweetcherrie]

Today would be one of those days, a day that you have eight of in a week, and she knew it when she swung her legs over the side of her bed. Getting up was getting harder now the weather kept her hostage in her bed. Looking out of the window she saw the rain pouring down, and the stark grey sky that didn’t allow the weak autumn sun to break through.

 

Am I the downpour?

 

With a sigh she got up from her bed and pulled a towel around her neck. Shampoo in her right hand and keys in the left she walked downstairs, all the while hoping that the shower would be empty. She loved her room in the student house, but sometimes sharing a shower with others was a pain. With a soft click the key turned in the lock and as she opened the door she knew that there was of course someone already in the shower.

 

Or would I feel the water pouring down on me?

 

Ten long, shivering minutes later the shower finally emptied, and she nodded at her upstairs neighbour and slipped into the shower cabin, literally. Her hands grasped for something to hold on to, but it was no use. Her knees hit the edge of the shower basin hard, and the right one started bleeding immediately. With a curse she hoisted herself up and checked the damage, it wasn’t deep, but hurt like hell.

 

Did I make you shiver? Did I make you slip?

 

The tap wouldn’t turn at first and when it finally did; boiling hot water shot out and burned her skin. She jumped back and bumped with her butt into a clothing hook. That would definitely become a bruise. When she turned the coldwater tap, the water first went freezing, but then finally managed to stay on a proper temperature.

 

Burned your fingers? Oops, was that me?

 

The shampoo didn’t sting too much when she got it in her eyes, it did however sting a lot when it ran past her open knee. It kept stinging even after she had rinsed it out with water, and naturally she discovered that he towel had been blown of the hook, and had fallen on the wet floor when she turned the shower off.

 

I hope I was that breeze.

 

With the towel wrapped tightly around her she walked back to her room, and suddenly felt her flip-flop stick tightly to the floor. Some idiot had spit out gum in the middle of the hallway, and of course she had managed to step right in the middle of it. A whole hallway to herself, but she had to step into that piece of chewing gum.

 

Yep, that’s me.

 

When she reached her bedroom, she looked from her bed to her clothes that were hanging neatly over the chair, ready for a day at the office. Her hand reached out to the phone, and two minutes later she was back in bed; her boss had told her to stay at home for a couple of days, and get it out of her system.

 

Don’t worry; I’ll get out of your system.

[Wyvern]

Very well written pieces, Sweetcherrie. I think that both of the scenarios you present here are things that many Pen people can relate to, and your uses of detail and emotional impressions in each of them worked very effectively. The bad day narrated in the second piece is something that I'm certain many of us have experienced at various points in our lives, and the escape from the real world in the first is a particularly relevent experience to us net dwellers. I hope that the writing proved to be therapeutic, and wanted to thank you for sharing it with the Pen community... It's a comfort simply knowing that you're willing to share your darkest moments here, as it just enforces the feeling of the Pen being one big online family.

 

Thank you for sharing. :-)

[Sweetcherrie]

No replies needed, simply needed to get it out.

 

I closed my eyes, but the world wasn’t gone. This time it didn’t let itself be shut out, it thundered in with force and I wondered if it was simply the hour of the day that made me feel like this again. Or was it simply in me?

 

With my eyes closed I reached out and I knew that I would not touch anything but the wall built around my own self. Why do I always step in without thinking and then walk into the walls I have erected myself. Rather stupid to actually let them take over that what I have always loved so dear, the world.

 

Not even my closed eyes give me the peace I long for, the silence that I want in my head. I know I should not complain, most of the time I’m the happy bouncy girl, so why not today? Where did the bouncing go? And who the hell decided I’d get this back in return?

 

Behind closed eyelids the question marks float around, and all I wanted were some frickin answers. Can someone please find me some? Don’t have to know them all, I’m no idiot, and I do realize that life would be rather boring when you would know all the answers, but just a couple isn’t too much too ask, is it?

 

I shake my head with my eyes closed. I should go to sleep and dream the world out of existence. Simply drown all of it away with my own nightmares screaming in my head.

 

But I can’t.

 

I know that the moment I open my eyes I would have to face the world again, and knowing the world this is probably a good thing. I almost believe myself as I’m writing it down. The words simply flow from my head into my hands, and when it’s like this my hands won’t be stopped.

 

I open my eyes, and see that the world is still turning and sigh about the silly thoughts that have just appeared on my screen, and for one moment, just one moment I think of deleting it all. My hand hovers above my mouse and I know that with one click the last 20 minutes would not have happened.

 

And then I open my eyes.