An Open Letter to Whoever is in Charge

[Falcon2001]

Dear World

 

It has been brought to my attention by various parties that I am a person with desireable traits. I am not wholly ugly, I have a large amount of self-confidence and creativity, and am no slouch when it comes to intelligence. Mediocrity is not my strong suit, but neither is perfectionism. I prefer the upper 75-90% range.

 

However, it has been brought to my attention that I am quite 'awesome' at what I do. I have two or three extremely attractive women that will flirt with me for days and then tell me they I wasn't such a good friend, because then they would sleep with me. I find this alarming, because I was raised to believe that producing desirable traits would lead to desirable outcomes, but alas, I was wrong. I am doomed to watch friends date other friends of mine and complain to me, while I lie asleep alone. At this very moment, my friend who told me she 'doesn't have sex with roommates' is currently in the bath with another very good friend of mine, who happens to be a roommate. I am flabbergasted.

 

These incidents could be attributed to chance, wholly, except for various other places it comes up. I work two jobs, as you well know (being the World), and both of my bosses have told me that I am 'the best worker they have'. At FedEx my boss informed me that I am such a good worker that he was placing me on 'cleanup detail', working wherever the facility was in dire need of help due to others slacking off. This results in me spending more time and energy each day working. At my second job, I was informed that given the excellent recommendation I had recieved, my resume, and my personal achievements, I would have been hired in a second had my current boss's employee review of me not stated that 'losing Will would be a great loss to the labs...manages all aspects of job...excellent worker.' The job I was denied due to my excellence paid more and did less work, while the job I am in currently pays a flat wage with no chance of promotion or raise, and I dare not quit to transfer for fear of sowing seeds of enmity.

 

So, you might ask, where do you come in? Simple. Please enclose a pamphlet stating exactly how to become worse at what I do so that I can have enjoyable guiltless sex and get promoted so I don't spend 15 hours each day at work and school so I can save up to buy a car that will doubtlessly break within twenty minutes of hitting the freeway. I'm sure you have pamphlets, as I see an increasingly large number of people displaying such winning behavior as:

• Dispensing misinformation to students
• Cheating on loved ones and then lying about it
• Refusing to accept basic standards of decency and manners
• Slacking off at the job
• Doing as little work as possible so that others will pick up the slack
• And so much more!

Given that these people lead happy, successful lives and I collapse each night into a pile of blankets and pain emanating from the cold dark hole where my heart used to be, I feel as though I have been wronged.

 

Please include either a pamphlet so that I may change my ways for the worse, or a listing of the reasons why I, more than almost anyone else I know, continue to lead a life of pain and emptiness.

 

Thank you

 

-Falcon

[Katzaniel]

Dear Mr. Falcon:

 

We at the World Office have reviewed your case and found nothing unusual. We regret to inform you that your life does not seem to be out of the ordinary in any way, and thus no immediate changes are in order - but there is some good news. We have chosen to reveal to you some proprietary information in hopes that some good may come of your choice to communicate with us. We do, after all, encourage feedback.

 

What you need to realize is that there is a correlation, albeit a rough one, between what one can loosely term as "effort" and the point in your life at which the desired outcome is achieved. Thus, one who commonly reverts to the simplest path will find that their early years are quick and easy, but will soon discover that their failure to put away funds, nurture a relationship, or live a healthy lifestyle means a difficult and not so enjoyable future. One who instead puts their full effort into everything they do will most likely live a difficult youth, but garner a comfortable retirement. Of course, this does not always happen, and there are many factors in play, such as length of life and overall behaviour rating, but since your specific case seems to be typical in most ways, we can only assume that you will achieve your happiest time of life just after midlife and not find a decline in average quality of living until you approach elderly status.

 

One option that is open to you is changing your whole style of living, but we would not recommend that. Results are unpredictable and rarely as desired. You would probably live out the remainder of your youth much happier, but eventually find that the reputation and income you had been working at were gone, and you would end up with fewer better years than either the one who slacks off from the start or your original destiny.

 

A second option is to change your effort in just a few key areas. If you are impatient for a relationship, for example, you could simply relax your standards and go to a disreputable bar. But again, you must keep in mind that it may be harder to find a long-term relationship in the future if you go this route.

 

It would probably be irrelevant at this point to go into all the behaviours that you mentioned. We will only to remind you that every person receives their particular outcome in a different way, and that by the end of your life, you should be just as satisfied as the average liar, cheater, jerk, or slacker.

 

We hope this information answers your questions satisfactorily, and we thank you again for the feedback.

 

-The World Office

Edited September 14, 2005 by Katzaniel

[Quincunx]

Tzimfemme, supporting an unpolished chocolate figurine of Knight, reads the placards for procrastination's sake. She reads Falcon's form letter, then Katzaniel's form reply, shifts her eyes to look at Falcon, swivels them the other way to study Katzaniel. Then the naked mage walks a discreet distance away, sits down on an empty pedestal, and laughs until her nipples shake.

[Regel]

Falcon, I have made a list of things that will reduce you to the standards that you have requested.

 

Rule #1: Care only about yourself.

 

Rule #2: Lose your personal integrity.

 

Rule #3: Lower your expectations in life.

 

If you follow these simple rules and you will slip into a very comfortable level of mediocrity. You find lying and cheating comes a whole lot easier. Deception will become second nature to you. You will begin to believe that the person you once were was an idealistic sap. You might find a person willing to be taken advantage of, and you will. Don’t worry about those people that held you in esteem they will get over it and you. By the way that guiltless sex you wanted. Any sex you have will be guiltless any theft you commit will be guiltless, slacking off at work will be guiltless. So what if you lose a job or two or some friends you didn’t need them anyway and then maybe you will be happy.

[Tasslehoff]

Falcon.

 

I can tell you from experience what works on one girl wont work on another, or what works on one girl wont work 2.5 yrs later. Just have to go with the flow of life and do what you want, not what other expect of you. Good Luck with your ventures.

 

Tass.

 

The Kender

[Peredhil]

*hugs*

 

In my experience, it's not hard to do the right thing. What is hard is to keep from comparing to others who aren't.

 

Personally, I'm incredibly proud of the man you've grown into.

 

-Peredhil

[Falcon2001]

The irony is that what works on one person does work on another, and it's pissing me off.

 

I can deal with being told that I'm not sexually attractive, but the friend thing? Cuts me deep. Looks I can get over, being lied to I have troubles with.

 

I, incidentally, created two corollaries to the golden rule today.

 

Addendum One: "Do unto others whatever the hell you want, because they sure as hell aren't going to treat you differently for it or change how they behave."

 

Addendum Two: "Do unto others as you want them to expect you to do all the time without fail, pouncing on the slightest falls. Nevermind the fact that they couldn't manage doing what you're doing, but they're definately going to jump all over your case for messing up once."

[Vigil StarGazer]

Dear World

 

It has been brought to my attention by various parties that I am a person with desireable traits. I am not wholly ugly, I have a large amount of self-confidence and creativity, and am no slouch when it comes to intelligence. Mediocrity is not my strong suit, but neither is perfectionism. I prefer the upper 75-90% range.

 

However, it has been brought to my attention that I am quite 'awesome' at what I do. I have two or three extremely attractive women that will flirt with me for days and then tell me they I wasn't such a good friend, because then they would sleep with me. I find this alarming, because I was raised to believe that producing desirable traits would lead to desirable outcomes, but alas, I was wrong. I am doomed to watch friends date other friends of mine and complain to me, while I lie asleep alone. At this very moment, my friend who told me she 'doesn't have sex with roommates' is currently in the bath with another very good friend of mine, who happens to be a roommate. I am flabbergasted.

 

These incidents could be attributed to chance, wholly, except for various other places it comes up. I work two jobs, as you well know (being the World), and both of my bosses have told me that I am 'the best worker they have'. At FedEx my boss informed me that I am such a good worker that he was placing me on 'cleanup detail', working wherever the facility was in dire need of help due to others slacking off. This results in me spending more time and energy each day working. At my second job, I was informed that given the excellent recommendation I had recieved, my resume, and my personal achievements, I would have been hired in a second had my current boss's employee review of me not stated that 'losing Will would be a great loss to the labs...manages all aspects of job...excellent worker.' The job I was denied due to my excellence paid more and did less work, while the job I am in currently pays a flat wage with no chance of promotion or raise, and I dare not quit to transfer for fear of sowing seeds of enmity.

 

So, you might ask, where do you come in? Simple. Please enclose a pamphlet stating exactly how to become worse at what I do so that I can have enjoyable guiltless sex and get promoted so I don't spend 15 hours each day at work and school so I can save up to buy a car that will doubtlessly break within twenty minutes of hitting the freeway. I'm sure you have pamphlets, as I see an increasingly large number of people displaying such winning behavior as:

• Dispensing misinformation to students

• Cheating on loved ones and then lying about it

• Refusing to accept basic standards of decency and manners

• Slacking off at the job

• Doing as little work as possible so that others will pick up the slack

• And so much more!

Given that these people lead happy, successful lives and I collapse each night into a pile of blankets and pain emanating from the cold dark hole where my heart used to be, I feel as though I have been wronged.

 

Please include either a pamphlet so that I may change my ways for the worse, or a listing of the reasons why I, more than almost anyone else I know, continue to lead a life of pain and emptiness.

 

Thank you

 

-Falcon

Dear Falcone:

 

You got lied to. Enough said. GG K THX BYE.

 

Sincerely,

 

The World

 

 

 

Or do you want the more elobrate explaination??? I'm sure you must have a prequel... like whinning about not having sex. You know how girls are... once you pull out the "Weakling cute puppy" card they will reply with sympathy response. Please remember in the next 5 seconds what they say will never mean a thing, Mr. Inflated Ego.

 

For the Job thing, it's funny as hell because I'm stuck at the same position. Think about it, if you are in your bosses' shoes and you got this slave of en employee who would do anything to keep his job to the point that he's not replacable. What would you do? KEEP THAT GUY ON THE SAME JOB!!! Why would you promote him and then replaced him with another guy who needs to be trained again and is probably won't be as good as the first guy?

 

 

BTW here's the real Pamphlet:

 

* How to get a new Job instead of being stuck on a dead end job.

* How to go to Javis and get hookers, cheap.

* A Guide to Metro Transportation.

* Serious relationship... not now.... but at Age 30

* A General Guide to Life.

[reverie]

hmm.

 

I suggest changing your life.

I did and I'm feel so much better.

Though it took the death of my brother to give me the courage to do it.

Funny how life can work out like that huh?

 

More practically,

 

Forget girls. No seriously. Really forget about them. Focus on building your own self worth. If friendships all you can get, then make sure it's a mutually benificially friendship. To have friends, be a friend. That said, if you not being treated or supported like a friend, then drop them. You don't need to waste your energy on a black hole. I'm talking about girls here, 'cause friendships with guys is somewhat different. We usually don't think about that whole reciprocal thing. But girls obsess over it, so if you going to be friends with girls, you should be more than just a soundboard for their concerns. Otherwise, you just being used.

 

Job wise, if you're really that much of an asset, start making a demand or two. You'll really find out how much they "need" you then. Of course, they may just end up firing you. But at least then, your free to explore other options.

 

Or you could just say the Hell with it all, and move to...oh I don't know, california, europe, thailand... Save up for a ticket to someplace, and just go. If you survive the first year, you're good. If you're not up to that, then find a place where you at least know a few people, so you have a place to crash for a few days once your money runs out.

 

good luck,

 

rev...

Edited September 20, 2005 by reverie

[DoctorEvil]

The Doctor will dispense the Doctor's limited wisdom later this evening when the Doctor has more time. It's a good thing the Doctor checked into today and saw young Falcon's ordeal! If there are two things the Doctor has lots of evil experience in it's Jobs and Women.

 

OK....the Doctor will take a few minutes right now and throw some thoughts out.

 

First and foremost.....everything is about appearances. It doesn't matter what the reality of the situation, the people in power (bosses and women...and don't even get the Doctor start about women bosses....) will shape their opinion of you based on their perception of you. Perception is reality...althought it's really NOT! It took the Doctor several years of frustration and heartache before the Doctor embraced this concept and used it to the Doctor's advantage. More of this concept later this evening, but for right now , go rent HITCH the movie starring Will Smith. Excellent illustrations of the "perception is reality" rule and how to use it correctly when dealing with women.

 

Secondly, women are evil. Oh, there are some not evil ones laying around, but those aren't the one you're interested in. The corrollary to "women are only attracted to jerks and pass over all the nice guys" theory is "nice guys are only interested in evil, unattainable women and ignore the good ones". It's like the McDonald's commercial. Most nice guys totally don't get it. More on this later this evening also.

 

And lastly....well not really lastly, there will be more later.....the only person that can prevent forest fires is YOU! What the Doctor means, is that until you make the decision to change what you're doing, nothing in your life will change. Sounds simple. It's really not. We're talking about fundamentally shifting the way you view the world and take actions to correct the things you dislike about your life. Nobody here can do it for you....althought we certainly will try

 

More later.....

[Falcon2001]

Dear World

 

Thank you for reviewing my case. It appears that I must have hit a nerve, as many of my complaints were reviewed and many were amended.

 

Firstly, the complaint about the girls and the 'friend' thing. Apparently you decided that I had suffered enough on this, and introduced me via the wonders of random pairings online to someone that lives nearby and shares many of my interests, and is also looking for someone. I meet here tonight and - barring any tricks on your part, world - things should go well.

 

Secondly, I noticed that I have been appreciated more at both jobs. At FedEx, my boss has told me I'm one of the best people there, and improvement is not needed at this point. In fact, the only point he made when I asked him what I needed to improve on was that he'd like to see me spend more time on the other side helping out my friend Shane, the other cornerman. This is really "awesome". Also, at my job at school, they finally offered me the job including the raise, so I will be making an extra $100 or so a month as well as having more responsibility. This raise allows me to actually quit FedEx, so I could concievably do things such as sleep for 8 hours a night. However, the fact that I am now actually in shape makes me feel incredibly good, including the fact that nobody else in my facility can do my spot, which is pretty darn cool.

 

Seeing as how these two points have been addressed, I am witholding any further complaints until I see how these play out. Thank you for your prompt attention to my request.

 

Sincerely,

 

-Falcon

 

PS. The pamphlet is no longer required.

[Regel]

Dear Falcon, It is always a good day when a friend has had a good week or some success that we (your disfuntional extended Pen family) can revel in. I would suggest to you that we (the world in general) are largely self absorbed but for some reason here we are less self absorbed in here. I am very happy about your promotion, as well as your expanded sleeping period. I suspect that some day real soon you will be announcing to us all that you have found some young lady that makes your heart beat quicker. Hope things continue to improve for you. Best wishes, Regel

[Falcon2001]

Addendum to earlier letter

 

Dear World.

 

I was too rash in my apology letter, as I see that you were merely holding off to hit me that much harder. That being said, please ignore the contents of teh second letter and consider the first one to stand.

[reverie]

when it rains, it pours, but it can't rain forever.

 

 

rev...

[Annael]

Addendum to earlier letter

 

Dear World.

 

I was too rash in my apology letter, as I see that you were merely holding off to hit me that much harder. That being said, please ignore the contents of teh second letter and consider the first one to stand.

 

*raises an eyebrow, reaches into the waste basket under her desk, and removes the first letter. Mumbling to herself, she painstakingly decrinkles the letters. Grabbing the "Open" stamp from the right of her desk, she stomps the stamp on a bright red ink pad before slaming said stamp onto the letter. Looking at her work, she takes the letter and adds it to the already overflowing In Basket on her desk.*

 

Dear Mr.Falcon.

 

Sorry to have disappointed you, but, that is what we, (the World) does best. So yeah, I have ammended your letter, and added it back to the pile of other POP (peeved off people.) When we, (the World) deem that we have the time to look into your complaint, we will do so. Until that time, we, (the World) figure that you had better accept what we throw at you and just, what is the term....roll with the punches. Hey, it can't be that bad. Your here to actually write us, (the World) a letter of complaint aren't you?

 

Signed,

The World

 

*motions to the pidgeon. Rolling the scroll up into a little roll, she slides said roll into the little tube around the pidgeon's next and points to the window.*