An Assassin's Tale (provisional title)

[Tanuchan]

I like your story so far, and I'm pretty curious to know how it will end. I'm not really good to analyse story and plot, and I'll let it for others who can do it better than me. But, as for inconsistencies and typos... in chapter 11 there's a paragraph that I couldn't really understand.

 

What he wanted right now was to kill a man. A man, he had gotten to know as a young boy, and had saved from the Chinese. Ian Davis had just learnt that Pieter van Huydink had lately turned to importing drugs. Pieter had long been independent from Ian, but had never gotten free from his influence. After the police it was probably Ian Davis, whom the drug dealers feared most in London, since he was known to send his hit men after them, trying to free the town from what he considered the worse thing invented ever since fire.

The way I see it, the phrase "After the police it was probably Ian Davis" has a missing complement... "whom the drug dealers feared most" tell me that Davis is feared; "since he was known to send his hit men after them" tells me why he is feared; "trying to free the town from..." tells me why he sends hit men after drug dealers. But ... what does the beginning of this whole sentence tries to tell? "It was problably Ian Davis" that did what?

 

I think also that this same sentence is too long - even if it isn't missing something; it's too easy to lose track of the main idea. Maybe you want to work on that also, besides clarifying what Davis was/did .

 

 

In chapter 12...

 

“You’re phone. It’s going to be traced. Get rid of it.” – he said handing the phone back. At the same time he went to the open porthole of Leanne’s room and threw out his own phone.

... I guess you meant "Your phone" in the beginning.

 

Nice work so far, Patrick - thanks for sharing this .

 

~Tanny

[Patrick]

Thanks for pointing out those errors Tanny. The sentence in chapter 11 wanted to mean that the dealers feared him nearly as much as they feared the police since he was known to send his men after them. I'll try editing it up, and I'll edit that your/you're problem.

 

Edit: the mistakes have been (hopefully) corrected.

Edited September 12, 2005 by Patrick Durham

[Tanuchan]

Ohh... I think there's an extra comma at that sentence, then!! That was what mainly confused it for me!

 

After the police it was probably Ian Davis(,) whom the drug dealers feared most in London, since he was known to send his hit men after them, trying to free the town from what he considered the worse thing invented ever since fire.

 

I'm sooo easily confused ...

[Patrick]

Well, I changed the sentence completely. Is it better this way?

[Tanuchan]

Honestly... I think I liked more the long sentence, at least in feeling (after I understood it ). It also gives a very nice view on why he sent the hitmen ("trying to free the town from what he considered the worse thing invented ever since fire").

 

Sorry for the mess...

Edited September 12, 2005 by Tanuchan

[Patrick]

Guess it's back to square one, with the comma added then.

[Patrick]

Oh and one thing I forgot about the story. I had meant to each time when there is a foreign language used (spanish and in later chapters french) to add the translations at the end of the chapters. I'll go through the story a bit later today and do this.

[Patrick]

Instead of at the end of chapters I'll add the translations here to not break the flow of story.

 

Chapter 10

 

Quien es? = Who is it?

 

Me llamo Juan. La signorita me ha dicho de venir aqui. Tengo que decir a usted que para ella no esta bien esta tarde. Y tengo que dar a usted un papel donde ella ha escrito algo. = My name is Juan. The miss told me to come here. I have to tell you that it isn't good for her tonight. I also have to give you a paper where she has written something.

 

Tu no eres Juan! Tu eres el ingles! = You're no Juan! You're the englishman!

 

Abre me Miguel. Soy Maria. = Openthe door Miguel. It's Maria.

 

Un momento. = One moment.

[Patrick]

I have removed a paragraph from the last chapter posted here at the pen, as it did not work together with upcoming chapters I have started writing.

 

 

I'm going to add a list here of what I still want to write about in the story both so as to help guide myself and to let people know which way I want to take the story. Not all shall necessarily be added, and the order might change.

 

-Upon arriving in Paris, Stephen is arrested at the train station by French police.

 

-The next day he is extradited to London, where to his surprise he receives a lawyer who works for Ian Davis.

 

-Davis pays bail for Stephen, and has a lengthy talk with him, in which he tells him that Alan Johnson works for McCluney and that for some reason McCluney wants to kill Stephen. Davis also tells Stephen that he had given the French police the tip, because in Paris Johnson had already been waiting for Stephen.

 

-Leanne arrives in London, and has a private moment with Stephen, during which he tells her that he is in love with someone else.

 

-Alan Johnson arrives in Edinburgh, where he meets with Lieutenant McNeil. We learn that Johnson is an undercover police officer, who wants to capture Stephen.

 

-Sergeant Kittle visits Rachel, just when Stephen calls her at home. Stephen tells him about his earlier phonecall with Johnson.

 

-Sergeant Kittle is fatally wounded by Johnson, who heard the recording of the conversation between him and Stephen. Kittle manages to tell Rachel what Stephen had told him before dying.

 

-Hicks, Stephen and Leanne travel to Glasgow, to confront McCluney, but find that he has been murdered.

 

-Rachel goes to the Police to tell Lieutenant McNeil about what Kittle had told her, but as she finishes Alan Johnson comes out from the adjoining room.

 

-Hicks, Stephen and Leanne go to Rachel's place in Edinburgh, where they find Lieutenant McNeil. Leanne sacrifices herself to save Stephen, and McNeil is also killed. He reveals the truth about Johnson before dying.

 

-Final showdown.