madhatter Posted September 7, 2005 Report Posted September 7, 2005 (edited) [b]Spiral of Descent[/b] Round, round, round Rotating, twirling, spinning, No gravity, not a pound Not a reason to be grinning And yet he was Broad smile, ear to ear, Was this just madness, or a man beyond his years Engulfed by a pain Still the smile will remain He had lost his love It had flown far away Like the white dove How could it stay Once bliss reigned Now pain plagued Yet remembrance lifts Conquering the painful rifts The smile continues It is better to have loved even small Than to have never loved at all OOC: A pretty fast work for my standards. Hoping to receive some criticism. Thanks. Edited September 7, 2005 by madhatter
Tanuchan Posted September 7, 2005 Report Posted September 7, 2005 (edited) A wolf enters silently, startling the poet who is still musing over his application poem. She nudges him gently, raising herself to the height of Wyvern's table so she can read the poem. Madhatter steps away a bit, giving Tanny full view of his work. Tanny smiles while reading it, then turns to him and shimmers into her human form. Glad to see another poet applying! I see you want a bit of criticism... so, although I don't usually like doing it at the Recruiter's Officer, I liked the poem and its rhythm - so, here you go The first lines set nicely the downward movement. But although I can understand it, I caught myself asking what exactly was in that spiral; for the remaining of the poem you talk about the strength of smiling in spite of the guy losing his love, so it gets a bit confusing if you think about the title of the poem. Also, the last two lines jarred me in my first readig, and still make me pause... they are a bit clichéd (in my opinion), and I would have liked to see the poem ending in lines that expressed the same feeling in other words. They broke the flow that was so nicely set for the whole poem... Edit: But those were really the only points that made me stumble, and the first one isn't that important - just a small wondering . The whole poem has a good feeling and rhythm, and I did enjoy reading it. Just making it clear . Welcome to the Pen, and I hope you post more of your poems, madhatter. Blushing a bit for having talked so much about a poem in the Recruiter's Office, Tanny hides her embarrassment by changing back into wolf form soon after providing refreshment for the new applicant. She settles comfortably in plain view for anyone coming through the door, and weaves a simple warding around her - supposedly a scheming-lizard-proof one. Edited September 7, 2005 by Tanuchan
Sweetcherrie Posted September 7, 2005 Report Posted September 7, 2005 Hmm....Ok, I'll give it a try...and at least say what I felt at reading this... The first stanza really had me going down the spiral, not falling, but almost floating like a feather. Probably because of the "not a pound" part... Then the word 'grinning came' and I stumbled, which is definitely not a bad thing It announced nicely the next part of the poem. The imagery of the second stanza is pretty nice in my opinion, I can see the village nut in front of me....and he wasn't a nut at all, just a bit lost. After this the feel sort of changed from mockery to serious lost love and all that...not too sure if I personally liked that change of feel, but in the complete view of the poem it fits well. Technicalities are not my strongest point in poetry, and I won't say anything about that here, I think what's important is that all in all the poem was one that I definitely enjoyed reading, and that has left me with a pretty good image. Thank you *huggles warmly* Welcome and yes, please let us have more of this
Wyvern Posted September 11, 2005 Report Posted September 11, 2005 Madhatter rocks back and forth in his applicant easychair as Tanuchan and Sweetcherrie smother him with thoughtful responses. He turns over his application sheet and whips out a quill to jot their comments down, only to pause as a drop of liquid lands on his eyebrow. The applicant turns his eyes to the ceiling, and his jaw drops at the sight of several clots of batter hanging from it. Sweetcherrie and Tanuchan both turn their heads upwards, and slowly begin to raise their hands to their mouths. "Well, I guess that would account for the strange smell..." Tanuchan's eyes remain frozen on the prosthetic limbs stuck in the batter clots above her. She flinches as one of the legs breaks from its position, and braces for impact as the limb falls, dragging the rest of the limb-clot along with it. When she opens her eyes, she's surprised to find that none of the limbs have hit her, and notices that they've fallen in a circle around her with their thumbs raised to the sky. "Wonder how it got this way." Sweetcherrie frowns and steps to the side as a dribble of batter patters down near her. "Wyv better not use that date as an excuse for a Fall cleaning job." Madhatter hops out of his seat as two more droplets of batter fall onto the arms of his chair. He adjusts his hat nervously, glances once more at the ceiling, then turns his eyes to Sweetcherrie and Tanuchan. "Will the Elder of Initiates be here soon? I'd really like to submit my application before any batter gets on i-" Madhatter jumps as the Office door slams open and Wyvern barges in. The overgrown lizard is dressed in his typical tasteless hawaiin attire, with the exception of a tacky new addition of mismatching socks. He hisses a gleeful greeting in Madhatter's direction, then snatches the poem from the applicant's hands. "Hmmmm." Wyvern scratches his scaly chin as he reads over the poem. "I definitely sssympathize with this little piece, Madhatter. A spinning piece of geld is indeed a sight to behold, and such a tragedy when it's lost. I can't believe the IRA has gotten to the point of using white homing doves for late revenue collections, but there ya have it." "Errrr." Madhatter flinches as a drop of batter falls onto his head. "That wasn't exactly what I-" "Geld is a perfectly good reason for grinning, though." Wyvern sneers at Madhatter, then stamps his application ACCEPTED. "Speaking of which, feel free to pay your application fee dues at that Almost Dragonic Brand Loose Gold Tooth Spitoon over there." ;-) OOC: An ACCEPTED application poem, Madhatter. Welcome to the Mighty Pen! It's nice to see that you've finally applied, and I apologize for the delay in responding to your piece. I hope that you find the Pen a friendly and welcoming writing community, and look forward to reading more of your stuff. :-)
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