word_eyes Posted September 6, 2005 Report Posted September 6, 2005 We learned standards of beauty from supermodels and Hitler Discrimination= women not getting equal pay for equal work how to lie= watching our mother's put on makeup avoid our problems= caller I.D. Confidence= Old Navy Commercials How to love= repetetive episodes of Barney and living as a child of divorcing parents We learned how to steal from having empty pockets and everything else having a pricetag Independence= Our parents getting jobs and leaving us at home with 20 dollars to order pizza Feel uncomfortable= minorities being followed around in the 7-11 Injustice and guilt= the rabitt not getting any trix self destruction= somewhere between "nigger" and "nigga" how to listen= everyone who has something to say owning a gun. how to obey= the first fist to the face. we stopped caring about the difference between right and wrong when we found out that Santa Clause wasn't real. we learned how to need, when we learned how to want, but where did we learn how to think for ourselves?
Wyvern Posted September 7, 2005 Report Posted September 7, 2005 I found this a very interesting poem, word_eyes. :-) I liked the format of incorporating "equals" signs in each of the lines, as it's a very succint structure that I haven't seen used before. I also liked a number of the original details and pop culture references that you incorporated in the poem, as they stood out and struck me as evocative. In terms of things you may want to consider improving in this piece: the broad spectrum of ideas and wide range of subjects touched upon in the poem made it seem a bit haphazard and general to me. To improve upon this, you may want to consider choosing one of the ideas, be it commercialism, gun violence, or race, and expanding upon it as the center of your poem. Similarly, you might want to narrow down the language of the poem in certain places, as it struck me as a little wordy and conversational at times. The "equals" signs might be an interesting aspect to play off of in cutting down the language, as I'm sure they can offer all sorts of less wordy possibilities. :-) Once again, very interesting and original stuff. :-) Thanks for sharing.
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