word_eyes Posted September 6, 2005 Report Posted September 6, 2005 A dark frost where I stand a cold celcius, degree of who I am broken temperature has me frozen to that feeling of alone, so far below sub-zero, that no one will ever know. Lost, in this black hole, I am swallowed no cure for distanced nobodies, no candle lit path to follow get me out of this bottle, or I'll break it with my wrists, so far below sub-zero, that no one will ever find it. I can hear the music, thudding against the ground and then the silence when they all get tired of the sound I used to live up there, way before I was knocked down trying to fit in, now, so far below sub-zero, that I actaually fitted out. Ice cycles string from my bloody eyes when I try, to move, to stumble, to crawl a little closer to the light, 2 inches away from society finally hearing my screams so far below sub-zero, that their feet continue passing. Hell is not made of fire, but the sting of glaciers burn, I was trapped beneathe one once, until I cracked the frozen skin from my bones, the flesh was ripped from my torsoe, and to my mass of solid tears, it dried so far below sub-zero, until I realized I could fly. And with my wings, I traveled miles to reach the humid air, I took a deep breath and hard look around, and found nobody there, remembering how betrayed I felt, by myself in that pit, so many below sub-zero now, that I could never fit. So here I am, above them all, fianally where I wanted to be, my feet on solid ground, but once again, no one beside me, alone is such a sadder place, no matter where you go, so far above sub-zero, that I miss being below.
Sweetcherrie Posted September 10, 2005 Report Posted September 10, 2005 It’s a sad image you’re giving, but I like the way it feels as if you’re taking a positive sarcastic stance against those feelings. As for possible improvements; there are a few spelling mistakes, running it through a spellchecker will most likely get those out. Also the second stanza the last line read as if the last ‘it’ wasn’t really needed, or possibly better changed into ‘me’ You start with having an AABC scheme, but then it flows into not rhyming at all, or similar sounding words. I definitely like what you’re saying with this poem, but sometimes it feels…hmmm…sort of here and there. Not sure how to express this better, but there are some changes in the theme, and then you go back to where you were before. It feels as if this is a dream, and I really think this poem has great potential. I like it already the way it is, but with a bit of fine-tuning it could probably be even better. Thank you for posting, and please keep posting more of the good stuff Oh, and *hugs* I certainly hope that you will find someone to keep you company, either above or below zero, but preferably above
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