Patrick Posted September 4, 2005 Report Posted September 4, 2005 Within my mind Your voice so kind Tells me many things. How nicely it rings. Within my soul The thing you stole I do not miss it, That I shall admit. Within my heart Right from the start I felt different Change I underwent... Within my dreams Everything seems So nearly perfect When shall my dreams come true?
Sweetcherrie Posted September 10, 2005 Report Posted September 10, 2005 Sorry this took so long The rhyming feels a bit forced. Personally I always feel that rhytm is more important than rhyme in a poem, and the poem has to feel nice to the ear if I read it out loud. I can tell you where I stumbled in this poem, not too sure on how to change things, but at least it might give you an idea where could be looked at First stanza: First two lines flow nicely, the third one is ok, but the fourth one feels off. Second stanza: In my head I leave the 'it' away at the end of the third line, which might mean that this just doesn't flow. This would also screw up the fourth line though, a bit like domino bricks. Third stanza: Again the first two lines seem to flow, third one is still ok, but then the 4th doesn’t feel right, not sure how to change it. Fourth stanza: I like the way you decided to make the last line stand out by breaking the rhyme, but somehow again the rhythm feels off. I’m not a professional poet, and I’m sure that there are lots of people around here that could give you better advice, and therefore I only tried to point out where it felt slightly off. I might be entirely wrong here as well, I’ve been careful lately to give any advise on poetry seeing that I feel sort of inadequate myself sometimes at even writing it, let alone telling others how to improve theirs, but you asked me to have a look, and I tried my best.
Patrick Posted September 12, 2005 Author Report Posted September 12, 2005 I appreciate any and all feedback on my poetry, knowing that I'm not very good with it. Already knowing where it doesn't feel right helps, as I then can try correcting it. I'll have another go at this poem when I feel in the mood, but that isn't right now.
Tanuchan Posted September 12, 2005 Report Posted September 12, 2005 Within my mind words are born inspired by verses of skilled soul. Within my mind ideas fly eager to find a shape to form. Within my mind a smile appears - how easy it is to spark the Muse. Your poem has, overall, a nice rhythm and a refreshing simplicity - I really liked it. As for comments - I'm not good for technical feedback, as I'm unable to think/work with metrics and rhymes. But from what I feel while reading it, this is what I noticed: Within my mind Your voice so kind Tells me many things. How nicely it rings. Love the rhythm, and the pause introduced by the period at the end of 3rd line. Within my soul The thing you stole I do not miss it, That I shall admit. There's some trouble going from "it" at the end of the 3rd line to "That" in the beginning of next line. The way I read it, there's a break in the flow there. Maybe another period, forcing a longer break instead of having a half-linking, would help. The last line of the same stanza troubles me a bit - whether because of the "it-that' trouble I felt, I don't know. There's something there that breaks the flow. I would try, maybe, I do not miss it. That, I shall admit. Not sure if it really improves the rhythm... I guess it goes to how you pronounce 'shall' . Within my heart Right from the start I felt different Change I underwent... The last line completely breaks the flow for me. I feel it's too long - like it has an extra syllable from the previously set rhythm. I feel that last line feels better if I read like... I felt different Change I 'derwent (Of course 'derwent isn't a possible change, it's just to explain why I feel it's a syllable too long ). Within my dreams Everything seems So nearly perfect When shall my dreams come true? I have trouble with the end of the poem because of the completely unexpected break in rhythm. I could suggest, maybe, breaking not only the rhyme/rhythm but also the visual of the last stanza. Something that, in a way, prepares for this end. Within my dreams Everything seems So nearly perfect... When shall my dreams come true? I still feel the last line is way too long, even for the intended break. But that can be just me . To clarify: though I read Sweet's comments, I made a point of writing mine more than half a day later to lessen any influence. For me, poetry is something very personal - for both sides, writer and reader. My comments here are from the reader's point of view (and my particular view, at that); feel free to completely disagree with me, or use whatever information you feel right. And, please, keep sharing your poems with us. ~Tanny
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