Life Question # 18

[Salinye]

It has been a recent topic among some friends (in a couple of different settings, actually) about the struggles of being shy and in the dating world. I have several male friends who feel that being shy makes it hard to ask girl's out. Furthermore, I have several female friends who really find shyness and endearing quality in a man. So my question is multi faceted.

 

1. Are you more of a shy person or more of a social butterfly?

 

2. Do you feel like being shy makes the dating world harder/easier?

 

3. Do you feel like being a social butterfly makes the dating world harder/easier?

 

4. Finally, how do you view the aspect of shyness/social butterfly-ness in a perspective companion?

 

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts,

 

~Salinye

[Mira]

When it comes to social situations I'd have to say that I lean pretty strongly towards the shy side. When with people I know and am familiar with I have no problems interacting, but when the people around are new and unfamiliar, I become very self-conscience. However, I'm slowly beginning to work my way toward a healthy median between shy and outgoing. When it applies to dating I'd have to say that my shyness is a bit of a handicap. When I'd like to approach a potential companion, it doesn't help too much to worry over every word that leaves my lips as well as every gesture, glance, and action.

 

As far as outgoingness in a companion or significant other, I'd have to say that I would probably look for someone who is very similar to myself in that respect. Someone who is more than capable of carrying on a conversation with myself, but who also knows that silence can speak more than words in the right situations.

[Lord Panther]

Hmm, an interesting lot of questions you have there. I think I'll just take them in the order that you've layed them out.

 

1. Definatley a shy person here. I will echo mostly what Mira said, in that if I am with people I know and am comfortable with, I'm not really shy, but if I am with new people, definatley shy.

 

2. Being shy definatley is a hindrance in the dating world. Being shy does prevent you from meeting new people, even if you really want to.

 

3. Being the butterfly would make the dating world easier, as far as meeting people goes. If you're a butterfly, you're normally quite extroverted and thus feel comfortable talking to new people, asking them questions and whatnot that a shy person would almost never do. Chances are that the butterfly also does not care as much as to what others think of them, therefore will not censor themselves as much and will say more.

 

4. Hmm, this one makes me think. Personally I could lean either way. A shy companion would likley understand another shy person. However, a butterfly and a shy person could do well together in that old adage "Opposites attract". The butterfly would, more or less, force the shy person to come out of their shell. I'm going to sit on the fence with this one.

[Sweetcherrie]

Are you more of a shy person or more of a social butterfly?

Depending on the situation, as long as there aren't any guys around I'm in love with I'm the butterfly, buuut as soon as I start feeling things for someone it sorta ties my tongue, and I start throwing out all sorts of stupid things. (seeing that I'm already someone that can speak before she thinks, not being able to think is actually making these sort of situations a disaster) However, I will still try to go for it, and try to make contact.

 

Finally, how do you view the aspect of shyness/social butterfly-ness in a perspective companion?

I think it's very possible to have two totally different people together. However, I can imagine it must be hard for the shy person being dragged to social gatherings all the time, and for the butterfly to stay at home.

 

Then again I've never been able to keep up a relationship, not with a shy person nor with a butterfly...so who am I to give my opinion here

[Peredhil]

1. Are you more of a shy person or more of a social butterfly?

I'm a shy social butterfly. Because I'm shy, I present a social butterfly face to the world. The more nervous I am, the more maniacally social I become. There are very very few people with whom I can just be quiet without being depressed.

 

2. Do you feel like being shy makes the dating world harder/easier?

Depends. If you act shy, people will seek you out, both as a good listener and wondering what lies in side. If you are shy but act loud, then they look at the mask and don't bother to find out if there is something beneath it.

So I suppose it depends on the shy person. Do they respond when sought out, are they able to focus outside themself? Or do they cover up, trapped inside their mind by the waves of feelings and insecurities.

 

3. Do you feel like being a social butterfly makes the dating world harder/easier?

Again, it depends. When flittering, are they only seeking reflections of themself, or are they interested in others? Shy or social, selfishness for any reason is unattractive, and a genuine interest in others is attractive.

 

4. Finally, how do you view the aspect of shyness/social butterfly-ness in a perspective companion?

I'm a social butterfly who married a socially shy person. It is a guarantee that if I had a good time, she didn't and the reverse is also true. The fact that we love each other makes this more painful, because the dichotomy in our social behavior goes right to the core of our beings, which makes compromise difficult.

[Regel]

1. Are you more of a shy person or more of a social butterfly?

 

I used to be shy, but I grew out of it.

 

2. Do you feel like being shy makes the dating world harder/easier?

 

Without a doubt shyness makes dating harder. Unless you have the good fortune to meet a clairvoiant you have to ask someone out to let them know you are interested.

 

3. Do you feel like being a social butterfly makes the dating world harder/easier?

 

I take acception to the word social butterfly, however if that is the alternative to being shy then social I am. I assume that being confident in what you bring to any realtionship can help you, but it's how a person accepts rejection that matters more.Rejection used to bother me alot. It bothers me less now because I have a better appreciation of who I am.

 

4. Finally, how do you view the aspect of shyness/social butterfly-ness in a perspective companion?

 

It is a non plus. It is something that I have come to realize about people that their outward behaviour does not always tell you about the person inside. Social butterflies can be over compensating and quiet shy types could just be bored or uninterested.

If I meet someone I like I will take the time to find out what is inside. If I like the inside I will warm up to the outside, the outwardly attractive person has often turned out to have warts that you can't see, but you can feel.

[WrenWind]

1. Are you more of a shy person or more of a social butterfly?

I am shy but I try not to let it take over. I will seek out others in a social situation start a conve sation then sit back and listen.

 

2. Do you feel like being shy makes the dating world harder/easier?

 

I guess it would make it more difficult. The dating world is far removed from my reality.

Though I do tend to be less shy with the opposite sex. I am comfortable with who I am.

 

3. Do you feel like being a social butterfly makes the dating world harder/easier?

 

 

I don't think that a social butterfly has an advantage really because people would see them as fightly not worth talking to becuse they don't stay in one place or one conversation long wnough to get to know them.

 

4. Finally, how do you view the aspect of shyness/social butterfly-ness in a perspective companion?

 

I don't think either is a good determination of who is a good perspective companion. Quiet confidence it a big attraction for me.

[Patrick]

1. Are you more of a shy person or more of a social butterfly?

 

I'm quite shy when it comes to girls I like, but am not shy in other situations.

 

2. Do you feel like being shy makes the dating world harder/easier?

 

For me it makes it harder.

 

3. Do you feel like being a social butterfly makes the dating world harder/easier?

 

Knowing more people could make it easier but then again there would be people who don't like people who get along too easily with many people.

 

4. Finally, how do you view the aspect of shyness/social butterfly-ness in a perspective companion?

 

Anything can work, it also depends on the other characteristics.

[Canid]

First, cards on the table, I haven't dated, tried to date, met anyone I want to date, etc etc. So that particular facet of my response won't be there.

 

I am neither shy, nor the social butterfly (perish the thought).

I might be described as forward; I am not uneasy about voicing an opinion, chatting with a stranger or performing for an audience with a high chance that I'll muck up.

I tend to make a good first impression to people who appreciate etiquette. Depending on the circumstances, most of the time I will greet people formally.

The flip side is, it is because I have to. Given that I like behaving formally, and would anyway, the other big factor of the equation is that social interaction does not come naturally to me. I know how to talk if I have something to say, but social ad-lib is a skill that I lack almost in its entirety. The formal behaviours that I use are in a way a lifeline - a routine that is run through to get me by.

After it is finished, I stand there feeling quite awkward. If there is a topic afoot that I can take part in, there are no problems, but otherwise, I don't really know how to act.

Even in the presence of people I do know well, I fall into this situation on occasion.

 

 

I have one friend locally, just the one. Mainly because the type of person I get along well with is so very rare. So I couldn't in any way be described as a social butterfly. But in general I am confident enough not to be described as shy either - it is just that that particular part of my brain that controls social behaviour is not really normal - it manifests in other ways too - I don't remember new faces, even if I was looking at them less than a minute ago, I am not good at picking up on people's signals when they are irritated for example, one or two other things too I think.

 

 

As far as shyness in a potential mate (I'll answer this one because I don't need experience to have an opinion), I'm not sure how much it will matter. Shyness is not a positive trait when it comes to getting a job, and someone who is shy to a ridiculous degree would be annoying, but overall it wouldn't really matter. I would be inclined to say I'd prefer someone awkward in some of the same ways that I am (a little anti-social and inclined to follow their own way of thinking), but at the same time I know (because my grandfather is an example) it is possible to socialize smoothly in any community while not being one of the sheep. So in the end, so long as he isn't a follower, I really don't care.

Edited September 2, 2005 by Canid

[Falcon2001]

1. Are you more of a shy person or more of a social butterfly?

 

Definitely a social butterfly, but that's a very odd definition, as butterfly's are flighty and easily scared by nature.

 

2. Do you feel like being shy makes the dating world harder/easier?

 

Harder, of course. If you're shy you end up attracting only women who will put forth the effort to seek you out, as well as making moving into the 'friend zone' very very easy.

 

3. Do you feel like being a social butterfly makes the dating world harder/easier?

 

Well, I suppose it does, but at the same time I'm not really successful at dating, so I'd have to say 'yes from my perspective not from my experience'

 

4. Finally, how do you view the aspect of shyness/social butterfly-ness in a perspective companion?

 

I'd prefer someone that is comfortable in social situations, but maybe not someone as outgoing as myself. Someone that is completely scared in such situations wouldn't make a good partner for me.

[Katzaniel]

I'm seeing a definite trend here, in the answers to "Do you feel like being shy makes the dating world harder/easier?" But I wonder if we replaced "quiet" for "shy" if there might be a difference.

 

I am a very quiet person. I used to be a very shy person. My life has changed considerably with the change, and I can tell you all that the difference between quiet and shy is not as subtle as it might sound. A shy person has trouble getting up the courage to say things, whereas a quiet person has the confidence to express the things they want to express, but usually decides to stay in the background.

 

Now, I wonder, will there be any who argue that being quiet makes the dating world easier? I can see that it might, since you filter out many of the sort of people that a very quiet person might not want to date anyway, ie the loud or aggressive. But I guess it might work the other way around, too. Ehh.