"Serenity" by Zadown

[Wyvern]

I read your most recent story this evening, Zadown, and must say that I really liked it overall. :-) I felt that the driving force of this story was definitely the Dreamer revisiting Jankiize, as it was very interesting to see their interactions after so many years had lapsed. The concept of placing Jankiize in a marital relationship was also very intriguing, as it caused me to question how the Dreamer would react to Jankiize's new life and how Jankiize might react back. Your descriptions and phrasing throughout the story are also excellent, particularly in the post where the Dreamer first arrives to visit Jankiize. I liked how Jankiize's name wasn't mentioned until late in the post, as it kept me guessing. :-)

 

One thing that dragged this story down for me was Melenar and the Jalar family. The Dreamer and Jankiize are both very well-developed and complex characters, but Melenar struck me as very two-dimensional and stereotypical. I felt that both Melenar and the relationship between Melenar and Jankiize were underdeveloped, and due to this a lot of Melenar's interactions struck me as unrealistic (for example: the conversation that the Dreamer happens to overhear is entirely expository and unreal). I feel that if Melenar and the Jalar family were developed in much greater detail and more depth were given to Melenar's relationship with Jankiize, it could render the story much more powerful and evocative.

 

Another thing that struck me as odd about this story was that it seemed to be more Jankiize's story than the Dreamer's story, despite it being told from the Dreamer's point of view. I felt like Jankiize was the one that had to endure the most conflicting emotions and struggles in the piece, and at times I wanted more insight into her feelings instead of the Dreamers. The side plot of the Dreamer visiting Azkhael Raerzaven struck me as sort of irrelevent to the story... Perhaps at some point you could detail a story about Jankiize's struggles from her point of view? :-)

 

Anyway, these are just a few thoughts and suggestions that come to mind, feel free to ignore them. I definitely liked "Serenity" overall, and think that Jankiize and the Dreamer have an awesome chemistry in their interactions together. I'll be looking forward to new installments in the Dreamer saga. ("Absolution" is the next one, right?)

[Zadown]

Thanks for taking the time to go through my story and write yet another review, Wyvern. As usual, I agree with some of what ye say and don't quite feel the same way with some other points ye bring up.

 

While Melenar and the Jalar family might lack the rich history the Dreamer and Jankiize has, it's a bit difficult to give out all that information easily in story without using very clumsy writing. I tend to use the same system with most side characters - give out information about them slowly, keeping them two-dimensional at first and fleshing them out later if I keep on using them.

 

The scene where the Dreamer spies on his and Jankiize's conversation is closely modeled on a real-life conversation straight out of my own history, so for me it's hard to see it being "unreal". Either it is one of those things you don't get unless you've been there or my written version is faulty, or both, but now that I read it again it still resonates very strongly with the memory of the real-life conversation I had. *shrug*

 

The side-story about the lich I was somewhat unhappy with myself, also. I wished to portray what happens with the Dreamer's blank-outs where he just stares through people with an Astral blue gaze. It got perhaps a bit too long as I tried to add some highly visual ideas that had been haunting me. In the end maybe a few lines of text in italics would have worked better.

 

As for using Jankiize's point of view - I might've done that if the story had gone on longer, but as it was, I felt no need at any point to add such a segment.