Cyril Darkcloud Posted August 23, 2005 Report Posted August 23, 2005 To have is to hold So many little things to clutch! Clenching fingers locked in place I sit and cling to scraps of memory. An empty man whose hands are full.
Mira Posted August 23, 2005 Report Posted August 23, 2005 So few lines; so much depth. As always you grace us with your words.
HappyBuddha Posted September 1, 2005 Report Posted September 1, 2005 (edited) Very well done, as always Cyril. I love how the last two lines take the reader outside of the original speaker's perspective to give a more unbiased, and revealing, look at the subject person. The first four lines are good in and of themselves, but the last two lines are the perfect complement to them, transforming a clever 4 line stanza into something deeper. One slight complaint - the balance of syllables in the first stanza is very good, imo, but I find the 3-syllable, "memory," a little disruptive to the otherwise lucid and easy composition of the stanza. Consider: "Some many little things to clutch" <-- 1-2-2-2-1 (Syllables - 10) "Clenching fingers locked in place" <-- 2-2-2-1 (9) "I sit and cling" <-- 1-1-1-1 (4) "To scraps of memory." <-- 1-1-1-3 (6) [i'm treating "things to" as a dual-syllabic word here, for purposes of linear repetition] That three-syllable, "memory," is jarring, after the solely mono/dual-syllabic words of the rest of the stanza, and after the 4 syllable line preceding it. As always with your poems, I find that the tiny flaws stand out more because of the otherwise admirably high quality of the poem. That, "memory," is but a minor drag on an otherwise excellent work that you should be proud to call your own. Edited September 6, 2005 by HappyBuddha
Tasslehoff Posted September 3, 2005 Report Posted September 3, 2005 Makes me want to cry actually. Crazy how so many words, can create such harsh memories and sad feelings with-in ones soul. Great Job Cyril.
Cyril Darkcloud Posted September 23, 2005 Author Report Posted September 23, 2005 Happy Bhudda, thanks for the thoughtful and insightful feedback. You’re correct in flagging the ‘of memory’ as problematic. However, I think the issue is one that lies a bit deeper than the question of syllable count – although the disrupted verbal rhythm is a helpful clue that something needs attention. Given that I will often include intentional disruptions of pattern in my writing I have no problem with the fact that the reader is disturbed by the change of syllabic rhythm a bit at this point of the piece as this point is a very good location for just such a disturbance to occur. That this change draws attention to a word that in itself lends no additional force to the movement of the piece, however, marks the disruption as both weak and unnecessary. The real weakness is, I believe, thematic rather than metric. ‘....of memory’ is in the first place a bit too definite – always a danger in a brief piece of writing – in that the work is likely to be stronger by forcing the reader to fill in the blank as it were of to what precisely the narrator might be clinging. Given my preference for strong, blunt words and ideas at such points in a poem, my first inclination is to simply excise these words and leave the blunt ‘to scraps’ hanging in the reader’s hearing: So many little things to clutch! Clenching fingers locked in place I sit and cling to scraps. An empty man whose hands are full. There are several intriguing fields of meaning that open out from the piece with this change as the notion of scraps has a number of distinct, but related nuances – a number of which are sufficiently striking as to have me pondering whether there might be another poem or two lurking within these simple lines. Another option, however, is to excise the fourth line in its entirety and leave verb ‘cling’ simply hanging in the unqualified absolute, an action without any apparent object. This creates an emptiness by means of a statement of absolute grasping that makes an attractive parallel with the concluding lines. It also has the advantage increasing the relative importance of the repeated 'cl-' and -ing' sounds: So many little things to clutch! Clenching fingers locked in place I sit and cling . An empty man whose hands are full. At the moment, I am inclined to prefer the second of these possibilities. But taking a bit of time to let the ideas percolate a bit seems to be the prudent approach for now. Again, thanks for the helpful comment! My thanks as well to the others who took the time and trouble to post their reactions to this piece.
Recommended Posts