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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

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Posted

Darkness envelopes the world tonight.

Little girl in tatters stares, beyond tears.

Teddy bear in the street lost in flight.

No home left to hide from the fears.

Posted

Heavy or empty? Still not sure

 

The world around isn't as bright as before

Black and blue fluctuate through the heart

Still little bits of brightness poke through to the core

Revealing that there can be a new start

Posted

I really like the original "Beyond Tears" poem, Wrenwind. :-) I think it conveys a very sharp image and message in a few short lines, and found it very evocative. I also thought that the ABAB rhyme scheme of the poem was very effective, especially with the rhyme of "tears" and "fears" which set the tone nicely.

 

In terms of potential improvements: the syllable count of the second line seemed a bit off from the rest of the poem to me, and you may want to consider dropping "stares" or changing the wording a bit to help it flow better. Also, the phrase "lost in flight" struck me as a bit awkward in the context of the third line, and you might consider rephrasing it somehow.

 

Anyway, "Beyond Tears" definitely stood out to me. :) Very nice work.

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